English: “Visualization of the Heart Chakra” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
These are the blogs I put up on Xanga in reference to meditation, just so you can get caught up to speed, if you so desire:
April 26th, 2012 –
“Vivid Meditation”
All right, I don’t know what most people see when they meditate. I will do my best to describe what I saw, felt, and heard. Just bare with me if it sounds crazy or something. It’ll be fine.
At first, I tried my pendulum. It gave me mixed answers. For some reason I was focused on Lindsay. It was very erratic about answers concerning her. I quickly gave up on that.
So, I began by saying a prayer to the Universe for protection and to give thanks. I’m eternally grateful for a lot of things and I like to give thanks whenever I can. That’s just how I work. Before I could go any further, I saw something looking at me from the other side of the room. It was a dark figure that looked like a huge lizard or a dragon. He was shadow-like with white eyes and claws. I kicked him out. He didn’t belong here and needed to leave. I felt like he might do me some harm if I let him stay. He did put up a fight, but I cleared him out of my room, aided by some of that protection I mentioned before. Next I cleared my chakras of negative energy. My 3rd Eye Chakra was the easiest to clear. I won’t tell you which of my other chakras was the hardest to clear because that may be too much information. I’ll just say that I might be close to that time of the month, because it showed. Once everything was in-line and flowing properly, freely, I moved inside my body/mind.
Once there, I was on a green path to the door that normally houses my Higher Spirit, and Angora. If I haven’t explained this before, Angora is a wolf. She’s a very furry black, tan, and white wolf. I adore her. I talked to my higher spirit and she told me to clear out a dark mass in the room. I removed it, forgave myself for negative feelings, since that’s where it came from, and incinerated it. That’s just my way of getting out negative, harmful energy and bringing in something better. My Higher Spirit proceeded to tell me that I had to go to a different room to get the answers that I needed. She told me not to look for a doorway, but an opening. I thought I could just focus on getting there, but then decided that was too easy. I drifted around, searching for this place. Eventually, I did what I thought I should do originally, and ended up in a grey, circular room, who’s walls would change. Every few seconds I would see flowers on the walls, everything from peonies to wisteria. My Higher Spirit was in the center of the room.
I was having trouble focusing, so I allowed myself to open up. I openned myself up to the room, and everything became much clearer. Instead of being a cilander of radiant light, my higher spirit was a white-light version of me. She was wearing what I was wearing in my own spiritual form. My spiritual form is much more theatrical that I am in life most of the time. In that form, this time, I was wearing heels with skeleton-toe shaped holes on the top and sides, a black A-line skirt, a black spaghetti strap shirt, and purple/gray/black yarnfalls with lace strips in them. I’d love to dress like that. Maybe I can soon, just gotta save money to eventually by something nice for myself like that. I talked to my Higher Spirit about the future. She helped me open my heart chakra and would sometimes envelope me in hugs or light so that I could see or hear her better. I don’t want to go too far into what she talked about with me. The word “soon” came up a lot. She told me that patience is the key to everything. I need to stay calm and be patient. She said I would be friends with Lindsay a long time. She also told me it would be okay to explore my house, which is an out of body experience type of situation. One of the times she enveloped me in light, she showed me something interesting. It was like looking at something through a video camera. There was a time stamp in the corner. It said Jan 19 2013. I could see a hospital room. A man by a blue hair, looking out over a city. I saw myself. I saw the hospital bed and all that. It was hard to recognize myself. It really was. I looked disheveled, and I have a hard time recognizing myself in the mirror anyway.
At one point, while my heart chakra was completely open, my Higher Spirit placed stars inside. I suspect the reason was for comfort. She named each one and touched them as she did. They lit up under her finger so I knew they were there. One of them, she said was Saga. She had to reach pretty far into my chest to touch it. The light wasn’t as bright. This made me worry, a lot. I was worried Saga was reluctant or just wouldn’t be that close to me in life. My Higher Spirit informed me that she would be the closest of all of them. You have no idea how happy that made me.
Eventually, she hurried me off. When I started to have doubts, she called me back and gave me a hug. She told me, “Not too soon” and “Soon Enough”. I know I’ve probably lost you here, but that’s what she said. It lifted my spirits and I went to the other room, the normal one I meet my Higher Spirit in. She was there, of course, as was Angora. I moved passed them and went right to a thread that leads to Lindsay. It’s a golden thread, so I think it’s a social, empathic thread. Like a highway, I’m fairly certain it goes two ways, but I don’t know if Lindsay uses it. I found her rather quickly. She seemed to be wearing blue and near a desk or a counter space. It didn’t look like she was at work. Even though she was smiling, her demeanor was all business. I don’t know what she was doing, but she was in extrovert mode. She was very focused on someone for however long I saw her. She was thinking about Ritchie, Zig, and Bayden (in that order). I could see pictures of them passing by me. There was also something else, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. It might have been a clock. I cleared up some of the answers I got from the pendulum, and touched her aura. I wanted to talk to her Higher Spirit, since hers was otherwise occupied with the situation at hand. Her aura, in that moment, was gold and reddish-pink. A woman appeared next to me that looked like a white-light version of Lindsay. I asked her some questions and she told me that everything was amid chaos right now, but fate would have it’s course soon enough. I was worried that who I was talking to wasn’t Lindsay’s Higher Spirit because she didn’t want me to take my hands off Lindsay’s aura. I called to my Higher Spirit and she accompanied me into that aura. There, I saw an identical being as the one outside. This one was seated at a throne-like chair. She smiled and told me “Very Soon”. She and my Higher Spirit conversed a little. They seemed to agree on something about everything having its own place and time. I asked if Lindsay was concerned about all that they were talking about, and her Higher Spirit told me that she wasn’t. She’s far too into Ritchie for that right now. Both spirits smiled and I knew that was just how it was, if they’re right. After that, I went back to my body with my Higher Spirit. She told me there were aspects to Lindsay that I would have to get used to. There were aspects that weren’t great for our friendship and that I would have to find that support elsewhere. I think she was just trying to tell me not to blame Lindsay for just being Lindsay. It’s a solid piece of advice that I really should keep a better grasp on for all the people I know.
In my body, I decided it was time to explore my house, for just a moment. Angora guarded my body. I can trust her with that easily. I left my body by pushing myself up. My room was fine, cozy and full of light. I said aloud that I wanted to see Brighid. I think that was because of the time I saw her protecting my body at my aunt’s house. I felt myself being pulled and ended up in am enclosure, with trees all around. Brighid was right there, smiling at me. I told her I didn’t know what I wanted to see her and I knew I was far away from my body. She told me that was okay and that she was happy that I wanted to name a daughter after her. If I remember correctly, I think she said she was honored. I was floored. I didn’t know what to say, but she sent me right back to my room. It was incredible. Instead of just going back in my body, I left my room. The house was crawling with those lizard things and a little boy came out of our guest room to watch me. I increased security on my body and wandered out into the hall. I got rid of some of the lizard things, and looked at the boy. He was dark. His skin was gray, and his eyes had a glossy glare. He looked angry. His hard was black and in a bowl cut. Honestly, if he wasn’t so angry, he would have been pretty cute. I stood in the dining room and looked around. There were lizards here and there, and I saw a man standing in my parents’ room, watching me from out of the doorway. He was very tall and lanky. He was basically just a shadow. I turned around and found the boy in my path. I felt like I should touch his shoulder, so I did. Color washed over him. He was wearing a blue plaid, button-up shirt. He had dark hair, still in a bowl cut. His eyelashes were thick and he had dark brown eyes. He didn’t look as angry anymore, just upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me, “Nothing”. I didn’t believe that. Who’s upset like that when nothing is wrong? I asked again and he gave me the same answer. When I frowned at him, he told me that he just wanted to be left alone. Because he was blocking a path to my room and those lizards were making me nervous, I made a truce. I told him that if he let me go back to my body and he went back to his room, I would leave him alone for the most part. He seemed okay with that. He nodded. I asked him about the man, and he told me I didn’t want to see him. He also told me that I didn’t want to see the woman attached to the picture in my room. She’s a spirit I call Elizabeth. I’ve been told not to talk to her and I know she leaves the house frequently. The kid went to his room and I went to mine. I went back to my body, only to see that Angora was hurt. She had a nasty scratch on her face. I took her to my Higher Spirit and did all I could to help her. It actually healed right up. She seemed right as rain after I focused on it mending for a while. I gave it a hug, then turned my attention to the lizards. It was a fight getting that one out my room, mostly by myself, so I prayed that they be taken to the light were they can find peace and harmony. I also said that they couldn’t return. In my mind’s eye, I saw them being lifted from my house. They were gone, Angora was better, so I gave her another hug and ended my meditation.
Now it’s time for me to do school work. This was a vivid meditation. I did a lot more in it than I normally do. It’s nice to have my chakras in line. The house doesn’t feel as ominous, for the most part,…. namely my room. I think I want to try future interaction with this boy. I won’t do it too soon. He wasn’t to be left alone, apparently, so I will try not to pester him too much. I want to know more about him though. I want to know why he’s here, what happened, and if I can help him (safely and securely of course). He seems like a good kids. As for the answers, I know I was vague. I’m sorry, it was just very personal, and stuff that would be better left as private for now. I’m certain that I will be able to reveal more in the future. Have patience, apparently it’s the key to everything.
May 2nd, 2012 –
“Tears and Support”
I was going to try this meditation sitting up, but I wasn’t able to concentrate like that, especially since I had to use music to block out a lot of sounds. I used “Gallows” by Ghost Party. It’s the same song I use when I’m trying to block out noise while I’m writing. It works pretty well. I’ve heard it enough times that I can work around it.
While I was clearing my chakras, I realized I forgot two people in my last post. They’re both friends of mine and they’ve been incredibly supportive. I really need to extend my apologies for not mentioning them. The fact of the matter is that I was thinking about people that are here around me right now. I wasn’t thinking about everyone else. I owe a lot to them because they talk to me and because they care. Why should they when they’re so far away? I am so grateful to have them in my like. One of them is Vanessa, I commonly call her Elou, since it’s her username. I think both names are very pretty and awesome. She offers so much support and she is a real life friend even though I’ve only known her through virtual space. She’s amazing. She really is. The other is Jarrett. I said that the guy here was the only guy, with few exceptions, that’s been interested in me in a long while. Jarrett is interested. He’s a great guy and if I hadn’t been so shallow in my previous post, I could have told you that. He’s been incredibly kind to me as well. Thank you both for being there for me. I really mean it and I am sorry I didn’t acknowledge that before.
Clearing my chakras went very smoothly. I think clearing them so often has been what been keeping them in decent shape. I had some issues with my Heart Chakra, but if you haven’t been able to tell, I’ve had some issues in the heart region in general. I was able to slip into meditation easily, disturbingly easy to do this time. After climbing a set of green steps to a platform, I found myself in that room with just my Higher Spirit.
First thing was first, I wanted to know about past lives or at least one of my past lives from this plane of existence. She told me to get rid of my shell and she could let me see one of them. It took a lot of work, letting go of everything, but I finally did it. She took me back in time to a place with fields. I think they were wheat fields. There was a woman in a peasants dress with very light brown hair, green eyes, and freckles. Apparently, that was me, way back when. I saw a little stone house and a windmill. There were three children, a little girl and two boys. They were all pretty young. There was a man there, a farmer and my husband. He had light hair and brown eyes. My Higher Spirit told me that we were farmers in northern Europe. We had three kids and we were very hospitable. We provided food and shelter for anyone that needed a place to stay that crossed our path, travelers to soldiers. We lived in a quaint village and my spiritual life lesson was to learn when I’ve given too much. She showed me the man that eventually ended my life. He had dark hair under a metal helmet. He was a soldier and my death seemed to come from his sword. She didn’t tell me why, only that my children survived into adulthood. That was what I was concerned with in the moment anyway. I was wearing a brown dress with a white blouse when I died. Can you imagine? She didn’t give me any names, just a glimpse of a life that she says was once my own.
I asked about children, as I’ve had doubts. She showed them to me. The room was the same for two images, and different for the other two. I believe she told me that meant different locations. They were all so beautiful. I spent a long time just looking at them. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
Next, she sent me up to the other room, where I usually see her and Angora. I gave Angora a hug, which I needed. She was so happy to see me. We went to the place that I met her the first time. We ran through the woods to the clearing where she’s shown me her pack, her family. We wrestled and I hugged her a lot. I needed that closeness. In a moment, she looked up and wagged her tail. A familiar form stepped from the trees. He had hooves, deer legs, and antlers. He had this odd glow that made him hazy, inhuman, and blue eyes. Whenever I see Cernnunos, this is what he looks like. He smiled at me and sat on a fallen tree log. He had me come sit next to him and he gave me a hug. As Angora rested her snout on my legs, he told me that I wasn’t alone. He told me that I was always cared for, by more than the people I know. He told me there are others in the Universe that care, like him and Brighid. I didn’t ask him why, it was just nice to hear. It was nice to have the support. I think I was crying in real life because my cheeks were wet when I came out of it all. He told me I would be fine and that it won’t be as bad I think it will be. He told me I wouldn’t feel a thing during the surgery, I would be with my Higher Spirit and Angora, and that I would wake up with a knowing. He told me it would all be okay. He also told me that I’m ready. Also, just a side note, I saw a gnome or a goblin or something while I was out there. He didn’t say anything, but yeah.
Cernnunos said he was flattered by the balanced character that I have in my stories that is a little like him. That character is Kiern. He said that he’s a little boring, but he’s a good man. He has faith that I’ll even him out and make him better. He said he was a good balance and partner for Mortalice. When he mentioned that I should do my chant, he suggested that I should do it in the clearing. I told him it wasn’t safe, and he just smiled. He told me that Angora would keep us safe and that he would do it with me. He didn’t want me to do it the way I was planning, he wanted me to repeat after him.
We sat down in the grass and he had me put the backs of my hands in the palms of his. He told me to repeat after him. He said, “The good in me outweighs the bad. The good in me overwhelms the negative. I am a balanced and whole person. I am loved.” He had me say that in different variations a number of times. When it was over, he told Angora to take me back to myself. I said my good byes as we left.
Once back in the room that I usually see Angora and my Higher Spirit in, I’m now officially calling it the Cast-Off Room, I gave Angora another hug. She’s a sweetheart and let me do it. I had the inkling to see my grandmother, Grandma Betty. She was preoccupied, but I saw her. I also so my Grandpa, on my mother’s side. He told me that he knows its painful for me to think about him. He wanted me to know that he loves me. He also told me my Grandma is fine. I’m not sure why he said that, but she’s coming here today. It will be nice to see her.
I need to get out of my room now though. I need something to drink or something, maybe some water. This was an intense meditation, and I’m glad I did it.
May 3rd, 2012 –
“Soskin” (Before my gallbladder removal surgery)
The doctor’s office/surgery center suggests that I bring a book along for while I’m waiting to have surgery. Awesome, huh? The book I’m reading right now is still pretty sad, borderline depressing. It’s picking up, to be honest, but very slowly. It’s called “Feed” by Mira Grant. It’s amazing, you should read it. It’s about zombies, just sayin’. Well, I didn’t think the part of the book I’m at right now would be good for right before I go into surgery. It was just a guess, so I decided to have my last financial splurge before I started paying back my loan and the doctors. I went out and bought a few books. I ended up getting a Celtic Names book by Sean McLaughlin. It’s called “Celtic Names: Their Meaning, History and Mythology”. I thought that would be helpful, considering the faerie aspect of my series. I don’t always use Celtic names, but I really should use more. Some of them are really beautiful/awesome. I also got “Meditations for Mothers of Toddlers” by Beth Wilson Saavendra. I’m not a mother, I don’t deal with any toddlers. The book just called to me. I picked up idly in the store at first and had a hard time putting it back. I thumbed through some of the pages and it has a few really wonderful tips. I don’t know why, but I feel like it was a good investment, even though I don’t think I’ll get to put any of it to practice for the next few years. I have to follow my intuition, right?
So, the last book I got is the one I’m taking to the surgery center. I’m willing to bet it will put people off, but I don’t care. I think it’s cute, and it’s busy enough that it will keep me occupied. I thought I was going to pay close to nine dollars for it, I ended up paying around six dollars. Pretty awesome, dude. It’s called “How Psychic Are You? 76 Techniques to Boost Your Innate Power” by Julie Soskin. The cover boosts that it covers a little bit of everything, “From auras and dream interpretation to clairvoyance and color energy, how to harness your intuition and enhance your life”. I have no idea how helpful it will be. It’s interactive though, and that sounds perfect when it comes to distracting me. Honestly, I could have picked up a connect-the-dots book and gotten the same effect, but hopefully this one will give me a little insight. Also, this is going to sound shallow and childish but, the pictures are pretty.
My surgery is tomorrow morning. I’m scared, I will be until it’s over. My aunt told me not to be. She said that Grandma Betty, Grandpa Chub, and my maternal grandfather would be there, watching over me. She said they would make sure that nothing went wrong. After yesterday’s meditation, that really struck home with me. It’s good to know I won’t be alone. Cernnunos said that I would be with my Higher Spirit and Angora. He told me Brighid watches out for me too. I don’t know why I’m so lucky to have so much love in the universe, but I appreciate it. I sincerely hope that I don’t take it for granted too often. I know I do sometimes, but it’s better to be loved than have nothing at all.
Sometimes I wish I knew why Brighid chose to appear to me and to watch over my body that one time. Does she do that for everyone? Does she do that for all my family? Was she there because of Tyler? Did he see her? Does she watch out for him too? Or Samuel? Auntie Gretters? I just don’t know. I can see why she’s been so well loved for so long. She certainly deserves that and more. I’m glad people didn’t abandon her when they moved over to Christianity.
In case you’re wondering, I am christian. I’m a spiritual christian with wide-spread, liberal beliefs, but the basis is still within Christianity. That’s just where my roots are, despite the fact that I believe in a lot of things. I’m also not big on reading the bible for any purpose beyond academic pursuits. Sorry if that offends you, I’m not trying to open a debate here. I just thought I should clear up some possible misperceptions.
All right, I have school work to finish and some editing to do (hopefully) before bed. I’ll tell you how the Julie Soskin book goes. I already recommend it if you like reading and answering questions. I think that’s pretty fun, myself. I don’t know when I’ll get to post again. I will try soon, but I’ll be on pain medication for a little while. I don’t know when I’ll be able to type a comprehensible sentence or reinvoke the awesome power of judgement. My apologies if I can’t post for a week or so. I will tell you how the surgery goes as soon as I can, and I will share whatever I can when I get back.
May 6th, 2012 –
“Woke Up Knowing”
I had my surgery. My gallbladder is gone and I was told it was a very textbook surgery. It went perfectly. Really, the worst part about it was the IV. I have very shallow veins that like to move, especially in my left arm. It went a lot smoother into my right arm. It still hurt like crazy though. I hate needles. Also, they found out that I had an infection in my gallbladder, so that accounts for a lot of things, including my constant fever.
Well, everything I’ve heard and everything I’ve read told me that I would not remember a thing when I was out. Everything and everyone said that it would all go dark and when I woke up, I would have nothing from that gap in time. There are rare stories about people that see themselves being operated on or something, but I’m not one of those cases. Instead, I went to the Cast-Off room during my surgery. I don’t remember much about it, but I woke up with a sense of knowing.
The first thing I thought when I woke up was that Angora is so beautiful. I remembered running and playing with her. She’s so beautiful. She really is like a wolf with a few sable shetland sheepdog markings. I guess that makes sense, because my baby, Akela, is a gorgeous sable sheltie. I’ve only known about Angora for a few years. I’ve had Akela since 2005 and I’ve treated her like I gave birth to her or something. She’s my baby. The second thing I thought about was knowing two things. I do mean that I knew them, as if someone told me that air was oxygen. I knew it as soon as I woke up. I knew I would have kids some day and I knew I needed to start cooking again, because it would help me feel reconnected with the world.
I had surgery, so I was drousy. I know I don’t remember a lot. I wrote down what I remember, and I’ll type it all up, as is on the paper. After that, I’ll try to explain it the best I can. The medication I’m taking makes me groggy, causes me to doze off, and sometimes I get dizzy. You have my sincerest apologies if this blog doesn’t make a ton of sense. I was worse yesterday when I wrote down what I remembered from when I was out. My words exactly were: “I remember the cast-off room, I think. Or it was the other room. I remember wisteria in a hanging basket made of black plastic wrapped wire and wicker. The wisteria was blue with white edges. Higher Spirit filled the room with white light. I ran and played with Angora. She was so beautiful. Her brown-amber eyes were just so happy. So nice to have her close. She always stayed close. Didn’t feel anything bad. I think I saw Grandma Betty. She was wearing a light blue, button-down shirt and old lady jeans. She had blue eyes for some reason. I can’t remember if she had blue eyes. She was smiling. They’re coming. Everything was so peaceful and light-hearted. Never really alone. Lady with auburn-brown curly hair was there, just a glimpse. Everything was just so pretty and she said, “It’s okay to be loved”. Light and beautiful and peaceful. Woke up with Angora.”
I’m pretty sure it was the cast-off room I stayed in, but the other room I mentioned is the room that just has my Higher Spirit in it. The blue wisteria was gorgeous. I don’t think it even really exists, but it was phenomenal. I told my Mom about it, and she got me some hydrangeas for me to look at. They’re beautiful too. I definitely played with Angora a lot. There was a lot of running, wrestling, and cuddling. She’s a sweetheart and she really let me feel loved. I’m certain now that I saw my Grandma Betty while I was out. My mom read my note to my Aunt Neddy. After which, my aunt told me that she remembered that exact outfit and that my grandma had blue eyes. I nearly cried when I realized that I saw her. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I wish I was able to get to know her better before she passed away. I still remember being in the Cast-Off room and the peaceful atmosphere. It was very serene. I’m not sure who the auburn haired woman was. It very well could have been Brighid. Cernnunos said that she would be looking out for me too.
Also, when I discussed Grandma Betty with my aunt, they asked me about my biological grandfather. I couldn’t tell them anything really. I don’t remember a lot of what happened. I know more happened than what I remember. It was all like glimpses. His name was Grandpa Chuck, or it would have been for me if he hadn’t passed away before I was born. I did recall a spirit that had been staying in the house for a few month a couple years ago. He told me his name was Charlie and he always told me that this was his home. It didn’t occur to me until yesterday that my biological paternal grandfather’s name was Charles. He could have very well meant that this place was home because he has family here. He didn’t stick around because he had other family to attend to, probably people that would recognize him. He had mousy brown hair that he always wore gel in. He wore khaki slacks and well fitting button-down shirts. I don’t remember how else he looked. I asked my mom if my theory was possible, and she said that his work friends called him Charlie. Maybe he was called Charlie when he was younger? I need to find out what my Grandpa Chuck actually looked like.
I’m sorry this is sloppy, I’m all but falling over with this medicine. Some of this was typed with my eyes closed because I just couldn’t keep them open. It’s hard to focus my eyes sometimes because I’m so sleepy. My mind is as active as ever, but my body would love to just lay down rest for a decade. I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m okay, and share my unique experience. No one usually comments, but if you have any questions, my comments are always enabled. I am more than happy to answer questions.
Oh, also, I’ve been bolder since the surgery. It might be because of the medicine. I talked to my family about baby names and my spiritual stuff. That is stuff I don’t usually talk about with my family. I’m always scared they’ll judge me, think I’m crazy, or have me committed or something. Nothing bad happened. Either they were humoring me, or they really did like what I had to say. Mom told me that she would love to be a Grandma someday. I think she would be an awesome Grandma. I’d really like for her to quit smoking before then, but still, she’d be wonderful. It was nice to be open about it all. My best friend also got me interested in meeting a guy she knows. Richie’s roommate is really cute (according to pictures) and we’re going to all hang out one evening and have dinner. Lindsay and I are going to cook and then we’ll all watch a movie or play a game. I look forward to it. And no, I’m not cheating on Scott, because we haven’t made anything exclusive. We haven’t sat down and made any sort of agreement not to see other people. We have said that do need to say we’re exclusive if we decide to go that route. The fact that he hasn’t mentioned it since makes me think he’s just waiting for someone better to come along. I might be being too hard on him though. He did send “Imeesu” to me today,…. then whined about not knowing when I’m being sarcastic when I told him it was sweet. I was being sincere. Josh was my only ex to tell me he missed me, and that was just when he was trying to manipulate me into doing something for him. It was nice to hear, even with the terrible grammar. Anyway, I messaged this guy that Lindsay referred me to. He’s really cute. I’ve been bold. I’m hoping its the lack of stress and the assurance that I had that’s doing it, and I’m hoping it’s not a side-effect of the medicine.
Ah well,…. I can hardly concentrate. I’m just prattling. I hope I got everything out. It will be so nice when I don’t need this medicine anymore.
May 12th, 2012 –
“Power Out – Meditation In”
I finally decided to meditate. Our power went out yesterday around 7pm. After taking a bunch of pictures of the rain and my outside greenery, I texted with my best friend Lindsay and Jordan for quite a while. I think Lindsay and I stopped texting around 10pm or maybe closer to 11. Jordan and I were texting until 1am. I really need to think of better things to talk about with him, but that’s a different story all together. When Jordan decided to go to bed, I couldn’t sleep yet. It was the perfect time to meditate. The house was relatively quiet and I didn’t have any distractions.
I initially decided to meditate because I was talking to my spirit. I hear a noise up above me in the attic. Now, for some back-story here, the last time I heard a noise up there was when that thing from the Kickerbocker Hotel paid me a visit. Yeah, that’s right. I had problems with that thing I’ve never been there. It was really scary. One night, I had the notion to watch the cams for the Kickerbocker. I never see anything on those things anyway, but I decided to give it a shot. I was thinking to myself, I might visit this place if I see anything on the webcam, and I saw something move up the stairs. I used the chat to confirm that the other person watching saw it too. I thought, well, if I see or hear something again, I’ll definitely go visit. I heard something that sounded like footsteps just a few moments later, then a shadow passed over the cam. I watched this thing for a long while and even considered planning a trip out to this hotel sometime. I mean, I said I would go, right? Well, eventually I turned off the cam and the computer. I got ready for bed and laid down to go to sleep. I wasn’t freaked out or nervous. The Knickerbocker is a LONG ways away from me. The ghost was there, not here. I turned out the light and my dog moved from her normal sleeping place to the pillow next to me. She was really close, which is usually nice, but the room was starting to freak me out. It didn’t feel safe. It was my room! I had a hard time keeping my eyes closed, and when I casually gazed at the foot of my bed, I saw a shadow over where the light should have been coming through the window. I flipped on the light as fast as I could, but there wasn’t anything there. I still didn’t feel safe, so I prayed to be kept safe and for anything negative to be pushed out of my room. It worked, I felt it being pushed out, but that’s when I started hearing noises above me. I heard thumps and creaks mostly, there were a few scratching sounds. Every time I would feel it back in my room or in my house, I would pray. I would pray that the Universe would keep me and my family safe. I prayed for this thing to be evicted from my house and not allowed to return. It was a long night and after hearing all the thumps, tapping, creaks, and scratching I could handle from above me and from my window, I was pretty shaken up. Akela wasn’t comfortable either. She never gets disgruntled with Elizabeth is in the room, so I know she was looking to me for protection from this thing. I knew it was okay to go to sleep when Akela moved back down to the foot of the bed. It was a long battle that night, and I did eventually get some sleep, but the light stayed on all night. I’m not going to that hotel. I don’t even watch the cam anymore, not after that night. That was months ago, but you can imagine my unease when I heard the noises in the attic last night.
I asked my spirit if it was something bad. She told me no. She conveyed that it was the little boy that stays in the guest room most of the time. She told me he makes those noises every night, I just don’t hear them because I run my fan. Basically, she told me that he wasn’t going to harm me and he wasn’t going to do anything to scare me. Because I had this conversation with my spirit, I decided it was a wonderful time to meditate. Because this was last night, I had to take notes after I finished. Normally my descriptions of my meditation are in order as they occur, or as close to it as I can get, but not this time. It’s harder to do on paper when you’re sleepy. The meditation itself lasted maybe an hour.
I cleared my chakras. This time they had more color to them. The top two were purple/violet. The throat chakra was an indigo color. The heart chakra was a yellow color. When chakras are depicted, this one is normally green. Mine was yellow because it was reflecting a lot of my fears. The stomach chakra was orange this time. The bottom two chakras were different shades of red. Once everything was flowing nicely, I used healing energy to stabilize my aches and pains. My incisions were a little sore and what I could only guess was my ovary was in pain for some reason.
After that I relaxed and just talked to my Higher Spirit. I don’t remember everything we talked about, but she eventually told me to go in deeper and see her. I moved into my body and to the Cast Off room, as usual. I hugged Angora and cuddled her. She’s so sweet. She gave me face kisses and I remember feeling pretty thankful that she was there with me during the surgery. I’m glad I got to play with her, because that was long overdue. I just wanted to relax this time, so I fashioned a comfy chair and sat down with my feet up. Angora got up into my lap and she practically covered my whole body. Higher Spirit and I talked. We talked a bit about Jordan, but that conversation was rather personal. I’d rather not share that here. We also talked about names and she wanted me to know that Xavier might not be Kane’s name. She also wanted me to know that Finias might be one of the other boy’s first name in lieu of his second name. She assured me that he would have a Norwegian middle name though.
Here’s something pretty cool, she showed me a woman. She said I should put her in my series. It was a lady with white, curly hair and it was all done up Marie-Antoinette style. Her skin was exceptionally fair, in fact, it almost blended in with her hair. Her eyes were brown. Her eyelashes were really thick and painted black with mascara. The eyeshadow she was wearing looked more like paint and it had very crisp lines. It was a dark violet color, and it curved up and away from her eyelid in a little arch. She was wearing this elegant, off-the-should white and gold gown. She was really pretty. Her name is Antonia. She’s going to be the prophet for Queen Nephila’s fae court. Her literary opposite is going to be name Caiomhe. She’s the one Harley Celeste knows. Antonia will appear in Blood of Reform.
I asked my Higher Spirit about Lentay. She told me to go to him, so I did. He was in this room that I didn’t recognize in a chair with his feet propped up. He was asleep. I was told that he was safe and resting. After watching him for a moment, hoping that was true, his eyes opened wide. I could have sworn he saw me. I stayed there for a moment, then nervously went back to my body. Higher Spirit said that he saw me and that he would talk to me soon. She told me I should make him the Godfather of any of my future children. He deserves that much, if not more. She said it was fine for them to have Lindsay as a Godmother and Lentay as a Godfather. She also told me he would have a son someday. She told me he would contact me soon. I hope that’s true.
At one point, I played around with the connections that are attached to my psyche. I don’t know why, but I did. They all appear to be golden piano wires. It’s kind of cool. I found the one attached to Tyler and shook it. I wasn’t expecting a response, but I actually heard him tell me to stop it. We even had a little disagreement/argument over what I was doing. I took it all in good stride, but he seemed pretty annoyed. I don’t remember the whole thing, but he was pretty insistent on me no messing with the connection that attaches us. Maybe he thought I would break it or maybe it was giving his mind a jostle, I don’t know. I might have been interrupting a dream for all I know. I told him I love him and he said something to the effect of “Yeah, you better”. I repeated myself, I said, “Tyler, I love you” He begrudgingly answered with “I love you too”.
I ended my meditation because Akela was being loud and annoying. She was hot, so she was panting a lot and moving around. She whined a little bit. It was really hard to stay focused with that.
So, that was my meditation for last night. I guess it was a good thing the power went out. Now, I’m hungry. I need to tie my hair back and have something to eat. I need to work on Blood of Reform as well. This was a good meditation. I look forward to the next one.
May 31st, 2012 –
“Muse”
It’s been a little while, I know. I’ve been busy. I have meditated much because of that, but I also haven’t had time to jot down my meditations either. I’m still without a computer, so you’ll have to bear with me. I can only get on my mom’s computer every so often. I’m in the process of getting a new one.
So, this entry is about The Muse, but not my muse. I have yet to meet my muse. I’m a little nervous about that one. No, this Muse that I met was Jordan’s. I didn’t even actually meet her, if you want to be technical. I felt her around. He played a few songs for me on our date earlier today, and I noticed her come into the room. I mean, it was a definite presence. It was almost freaky, but very beautiful. While he played, I centered myself and investigated her while I listened to him. He is wonderfully talented. I loved hearing him sing and play his guitar. It was really awesome. It was also pretty cool to feel the colors shift in his Muse as he played. I’m calling her Muse because I never got a name. The only feeling she gave me was a reminder to be respectful, which I was. He’s wonderful and deserves that and more. His Muse was usually somewhat of a purple color, but she would gather hints of red and blue as he played. It was really awesome. I think that was pretty cool.
I just wanted to share that, but now I’m going to bed. I’m way tired now.
June 2nd, 2012 –
“Catching Up” (After some computer failure)
So, now that I’m hear, I’ll do some catching up. I didn’t get to do many meditations. I saw Jordan’s Muse, but I found time to write about that on my mom and her husband’s computer. Also, I caught up a little with my best friend. We had a slight experience through that. I had a brief meditation were I found out a little about Lucy and the entity that paid Kysmet and I a visit in her apartment. Also, I did my first completely lucid meditation which was also brief because it was difficult, especially with my mom’s husband in the house. He’s very loud, all the time, and it’s very hard to concentrate when he’s making so much noise. I swear babies make less noise then him. We’ve been at odds because I’m starting to think he hates me. That’s another matter entirely though.
I’m going to work through this in order the best that I can, so bear with me. I’ll start with talking about the lucid meditation because that happened a week or two ago, while the other stuff is more recent. I’m going to completely skip over seeing the Muse, because I already wrote about that. I don’t know a definitive word for what I call lucid meditation. It’s not like I’m passed out or out of control when I’m meditating normally. I do find myself in something of a trance though, because of the level of relaxation that is provided in the way I meditate. Lucid meditation, at least by my definition, is where I’m not in that softer, trance-like state when I do things. I intend to develop this further because it could be a wonderful asset. Until then, short bursts are fine. In my lucid meditation, I talked to my Higher Spirit and felt out the ghost boy’s energy. He was near by and it seemed like a good idea at the time. He gave me the name Everett James Andrews. I received a picture of a headstone that said “E. J. Andrews” on it. The feeling he gave me was that his friends called him James and his family called him Everett. My Higher Spirit informed me that he died when he was ten years old and that he wants me to call him Everett. I argued with both of them that I’m just a friend, and thus I should call him James, but they were both insistent on Everett. Everett it is! After all this, I received the picture of a red, metal wheelbarrow and the back of Everett’s head, brown hair and all. This was alluding to how he died. My best guess is some form of child abuse, to be honest. I got the impression that his father did something to cause his death. I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before. This all happened relatively quickly, I was starting to come out of it because this was a lot of information and I had trouble focusing. As I was leaving this style of meditation, which is basically just the act of doing something else, my Higher Spirit informed me that Everett did not die on this property. I didn’t get more information than that, but I fully intend to.
I guess we’ll breeze over to the meditation about Lucy and the other spirit. The theory between Lindsay and I was that Lucy is fae and that she was a douche one of the times I spent the night. Here’s a little background for all of you. When Lindsay was first moving into her apartment, I wandered around it a moment. I noticed that the toilet in her brother David’s bathroom was making noises, so I went to check it out. I jiggled the handle, and didn’t get a response. I felt like I was being watched the entire time, so I decided to leave. I was going to take it nice and easy and act like I wasn’t bothered, but I was still getting out of that room. As I walked through the room, I swear I heard what sounded like whispering. It sounded like someone was whispering right next to my ear. It was breathy and I couldn’t hear what it was saying, but I flipped. I ran from that room. Lindsay didn’t see, but I left that room in a hurry. I told her about it later. Later that night, we walked in and I automatically called out “Lucy, we’re home”. Now, she’s Lucy. We don’t have a real name for her, but that’s what we call her. She has a real soft, sweet energy. Usually it has a regal air about it. I don’t know why we suspected that she was the one that scared us (which I’m getting to) because she really has a lovely energy. Sometimes appears as colored dots, like an ill-formed aura. Usually, she’s a purple color. Lindsay’s seen her in a dream before, but I don’t remember what she said she looked like. I usually just see the sheer orbs and occasionally some brown hair up in a bun. We think she’s fae because she’s so different. She comes around when we talk about the fae. She travels around fluidly and makes her presence known. She might just be a ghost, but she might be more. I want to note that when Lindsay and I were talking about fae while cooking or cleaning her kitchen one evening, we saw the shape/shadow of a small child running around on the rails of her porch. This same shape also seemed to zip right past us when we were talking about the same thing out on the porch as well. Now, here’s where this starts to make sense, I guess. Lindsay and I had been getting signs that I should stay the night one night for a little while. Lindsay wanted me there was one. Another was that I was trying to go to sleep one night and felt a presence in my room. It didn’t feel like Elizabeth. It felt like Lucy. At first, I consulted my pendulum and asked about her. Using this technique, I asked if it was Lucy and what she wanted through a series of yes or no questions. My answers came up that it was, in fact, Lucy. She was checking up on me and she wanted me to go to Lindsay’s apartment soon. I put the pendulum away, and I could still feel her there. When it was starting to unnerve me, I used my energy to push her out. A few days later, Lindsay found something of mine in her hamper. Now, I have a few stuffed animals. The one she found is special to me. Her name is Miss Rose. She’s a purple leopard spotted sheep that my now ex-boyfriend won and gave to me from a claw machine at Cinemark 8, otherwise known as the Dollar Movies. She’s special because he won her AND gave her to me. She’s also special because I named her after two of his dogs, Rosie and Missy. In case you’re wondering, I miss them a lot. So, Miss Rose does not leave the safety of my room. I love her and I want her to stay in the best shape possible, so she sits by my bed, in my room, always. Lindsay found Miss Rose in her hamper when I hadn’t been to Lindsay’s house in at least a week and she hadn’t been to mine for at least two. I could have sworn I saw Miss Rose the day before that. We figured out that Lucy was the culprit, but I don’t know how she managed to get her over there. Miss Rose was returned to me and we made plans for me to spend the night. When I finally did and we laid down for the night, we were talking as we usually do. It smelled funny, but I just kept on talking. Lindsay was actually the one to ask, “Do you smell a skunk?”. I did, it was a pretty bad stench. We sniffed blankets, pillows, sheets, each other, and still the smell prevailed. Finally, Lindsay got out of bed and I remained there as the control for the stench. She rose, took two steps away from the bed, and the smell was gone. She moved around the room, sniffing and moving things, and couldn’t find a source. I couldn’t smell it at all anymore. She came back to bed, and we noticed that her dream catcher, which hangs properly over the bed, was moving. As soon as she sat back down, the smell was back. We were floored. I watched the dream catcher and noticed there were metal magnets on it. I got an unnatural feeling from them, but kept my mouth shut. When the room’s lights flickered, but all other electronics stayed on, we decided we had enough. We left the room. We sat out in the living room. She used her computer to ignore the activity, and I investigated it the best I could from the seat beside her. We have different ways of coping and different methods of securing households, as long as we don’t step on each other’s toes, it’s good. We noticed that her room still had a creepy vibe and that the curtain would move on its own, so she removed the dream catcher and threw it outside onto the porch. We sat back down, and resumed our previous activities. She ignored it and I observed it. I noticed that the binds on her sliding glass door would fan out or wave side to side. I also noticed that the curtain in her brother’s room would float up. I pointed this out to Lindsay, and while she made note of it, she also made it clear that she would prefer that I respect her method of doing things. She talked to Bayden, and I continued to watch. Soon after, I saw Lucy’s orbs. They were inside the apartment. She would be by David’s room, then she would come up next to the couch. She had that strong, regal sense. She felt nervous but steadfast. The other thing felt male. It just did. It felt like it was outside. Occasionally it would feel like it was in David’s room, but it never stayed in there long. It seemed to me like Lucy was defending her territory. I don’t know what Lindsay observed in total. It might be hard for her to talk about. I might make some sad attempt to make a similar blog, just so she can get that sort of thing out. Well, the activity eventually died out, and we ventured out onto the porch long enough to grab the dream catcher. After removing the magnets, we replaced it over the bed. The house seemed calm and we were both able to sleep. We slept pretty well if I remember correctly. Lindsay told me later that she suspected Lucy was behind the whole thing. I went with that 100% because Lindsay is around Lucy more than me. We also suspected that she was some how behind a voice that David heard. He said it sounded male and that he screamed bloody murder. Lindsay was in the apartment and never heard him scream. I did a meditation earlier this week. It wasn’t aimed towards Lucy, or anyone really. I was actually just trying to center myself out and trying to go to sleep. I was told that the energy that bothered us that night and the thing that bothered David were one and the same. According to what I heard, it was something attached to David and attracted to the magnets. I was told Lucy wasn’t to blame for that mess. She lives there and the other things doesn’t. I told Lindsay about it when we hung out the other night. It seemed to make sense to her.
That’s about it. That’s what I’ve got. I’ll give you more soon and hopefully try to get Lindsay to start recording her stuff too. Her experiences are interesting. I think she should have them in writing somewhere. She could disagree. She might never make a blog about it, but I’ll suggest it.
June 5th, 2012 –
“Balancing Out”
So, I had a bit of an off day today, I guess. It wasn’t that it was bad. I saw Lindsay, her boyfriend, and Jordan. The thing is, its been brought to my attention how different Jordan and I are. I like differences, but this seems like a weird mix. I don’t think he likes me. Just like anyone else, he doesn’t like the person that I am. He doesn’t like the gothic subculture. I don’t dress the part, but most of what I like is part of that. He doesn’t like my yarnfalls. He said he would be embarrassed if I ever wore those in public around him. I pointed out that no one would know I was with him. They wouldn’t. I keep my distance. All he has to do is ignore me, and no one ever knows. It’s not that I want that, but I don’t think I’ll ever find a guy that likes me for who I am. I’m stuck being alone, and that’s all there is to it. I don’t know what to do with this situation with Jordan. I’m not sure I should talk about it with him. If he doesn’t like me, he doesn’t like me. That’s just how it is. It’s not like that’s something that can be fixed or anything like that, and that’s okay because I’m sure there’s someone better out there for him. There’s always someone better. I don’t know if I should just leave this alone. Is that really fair to anyone? We’re not exclusive. We’re not in a relationship. He’s free to see other people or disappear off the face of the planet. It happens. I don’t want that either, but it’s not like it’s not possible. I might just leave it alone. I’ll take a break. Push myself through my work days, sleep a bit, and just let him be a while, that might be okay. I mean, he shouldn’t mind. He doesn’t like me anyway, right? I’m probably just bothering him when I text anyway.
Well, if you couldn’t tell, I haven’t been in a great mood. Little self-discussions like that have been going on in my head all day. Just a little drama to add to my already messed up life. Wonderful. I know. I meditated early, hoping to even myself out a little. Honestly, I was just looking for a hug or something. I feel entirely too alone and outcasted for my own good. The meditation was pretty short. I did my best to clear out the darker energies from my chakras and auras. I got a bit done. I don’t think I fixed it. Clearly, I’m still a downer. Tomorrow is going to absolutely suck at work. It is going to be the worst day ever. I don’t know how I’ll get through it. Anyway, I got a lot of the bad energy off/away. I was in a worse mood than this, believe it or not. At least I’m not all weepy now, lol.
Once I was actually into my meditation, I had two things in mind: talk to someone that would give me a hug and severe that weird cord up top to make life a little easier on myself. I only accomplished one of those things. Let me explain. I dropped off onto the green path that I normally land on. I was wearing something different from normal. If you want to really get a good jist of how I’m feeling here, I was wearing a lot of loose netting and just plain black heels. That might be a way of saying that I feel ordinary and trapped. Anyway, I went to the Cast Off room, where there was music and a bunch of people in there. I saw Angora and dropped down to give her a hug. While I was hugging her, someone came up to me. It was Adam. He told me that I was being too hard on myself. He said a lot more than that, which is unusual for him, but that was the prevalent message. He wanted me to know that I’m too hard on myself. Higher Spirit told me to go see Cernunnos, because he wanted to see me. I went to him with Angora. The world I normally see him in was covered with snow. He gave me a hug and had me look around at the beautiful scenery. He also told me that I’m too hard on myself. That seems to be a running theme. He also told me that I’m being too hard on Jordan. I guess that’s fair. He didn’t really tell me how to fix it. The overall message was basically that I’m loved (by more people than I think), that I’m too hard on myself, and that I shouldn’t be so hard on Jordan. He’s a nice guy after all. I intended to go cut that cord, but he told me to go write this so I can go to bed.
Turns out, I have more to do. I forgot it was Monday and forgot to do my paper. I’m going to get more points taken off. Great. Monday is not my day this week. Most days aren’t my day. Oh well, f- all. I have to go do that and get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow.
Here’s hoping tomorrow’s a better day at least…
June 9th, 2012 –
“Letting Go of Negativity”
I meditated, like I said I would. I started by clearing my chakras. I took as much negative energy out of them as humanly possible. It was a lot of work. I had some major blockages. After that, I cleared out any negative energy I had stored up inside. I did my best to clear that out. I had to leave some that was compressed together at the bottom because I couldn’t get rid of it. I did my best to make it a ball that would be revealed in the light so that I could remember not to let myself become so filled with anger and negativity anymore. After that, I reformed what my spirit looked like. She was pretty dreary, which fit. Now she’s wearing nice shoes, a lace and cotton skirt that has an empire waist, a silver top that tucks into it and falls off the shoulders, black make-up that looks like feathers on the sides of her eyes, and a lace veil that hangs through a side braid. I say “she” like she’s a seperate entity, but she’s really me. I’m just talking in third person when I describe her/myself. It’s just my spirit form. I think I do it that way because its weird for me to say that I felt beautiful in my spirit form. Anyway, I went to the cast-off room and I was told immediately that I look nice. I was also told to go see Cernunnos. Before I could even leave, I heard his voice and he said that I looked beautiful. I shook that off, and my Higher Spirit gave me an anklet to wear around my ankle. It was green and silver in color. It wrapped up my leg and there was a red stone at the top. She said the red was for passion.
I left and went into the plain in which I usually see Cernunnos. I was drawn to a path so I took it. It led to a niche in the woods and a clearly. After calling for him, he came out to greet me. He gave me a hug, and told me that he loved me. That was actually the problem, to be honest. I’ve been hearing “I love you” in my head for about a week now. I know it’s not me, because I don’t even like myself. My pendulum told me that it was Cernunnos. I confronted him about that, and he told me to calm down. He talked to me about the future and how I need to relax. Things can’t work out if I keep focusing on them and interfering with my flip-flopping intent. I just need to relax and let them take their course. He also said that I’m still being too hard on Jordan. I don’t think that matters now. We aren’t talking anymore, but I’m going to work on easing up on the guy. I did like him after all. If I’m honest, I’d say that I do like him. He’s a good person. I like him as a person. I wasn’t lying when I said that I wish him the best. If I just let him be, and not make this such a big deal, it’ll be fine. He also told me that Jerry wasn’t a good person for me to be around. He said that Jerry is fine for my mom, but I shouldn’t be around him. He said I could leave soon. I hope he’s right. We talked for a while. I can’t remember the whole conversation, but I eventually had to leave because I had some business to take care of.
When I left, Angora showed me to the house. It was just a quick run through the woods. At the door, I gave her a long hug and told her I love her. I’m am forever grateful for her love and support. When I got back into the Cast-Off room, I had to summon the negativity inside me. I was faced with an emaciated, dark version of myself. I put my hands on her shoulders and asked the Universe to help me cure this thing. She turned into this almost angelic state, except she was flinging back and forth as if she was under water in the middle of a hurricane. My Higher Spirit directed me to take her up. So I pulled her into the Higher Spirits light and ended up in a place among the clouds. I laid her on a table and as others approached, I randomly kissed her forehead. Her eyes opened and she tried to choke me. I made her ease her hand and stepped away when the others came up. They surrounded her and started working on her. I was told I could leave if I wanted. She would be fine and they didn’t need me there. When I went back down, my Higher Spirit told me that she wouldn’t be coming back. She would be nourished and dispersed as good energy. When I went to leave, a black ball appeared in my Higher Spirits hands. She sent it up, where it was rid of it’s hard shell and brought back down. She told me to pray to have it dispersed as well. When I touched it, I knew it was the hatred I hold for myself. I prayed to the Universe to help me disperse it. In the process, I did my best to forgive myself for the person that I am and the person that I have been. I tried to forgive myself for the wrong I’ve caused myself and others. I tried my best and the thing crumbled. I don’t think it fixed the problem completely, but I asked for strength and help. I was given strength and help. That was nice.
When I left the room, I went up to where my connects are kept. I gathered up a lot of the clutter and put it in the past, literally. I put it in there and pushed the past away. After that, I got rid of the tether where the cord. The cord was long since gone. I got rid of that. This time, I got rid of the peg that could keep it there. The thing grew back. Instead of being a wooden peg like the rest of them, this one was gold and silver. It was arched toward my mind so that any cord placed there couldn’t slip off. I shrugged it off and said that it could be there but nothing was going on it. I could be wrong about that. I’ve been wrong in the past.
Once I was done, I resurfaced. Instead of coming out of meditation, I stayed in that relaxed state where I could view my chakras. I found an egg in my heart chakra. I took it and placed it inside my Orange Chakra. A bird hatched out of it and grew as I watched. It went from being a tiny naked bird to a white feathered dove. I helped her out of the chakra and talked to her a little. I stroked her soft feathers and just before I released her, I noticed the black streak on her tail. I apologized for being negative and continued to talk to her. The black streak went left and I lifted her up. She flew off toward the sun, flew around it, and disappeared. My Higher Spirit said she was safe and that I could leave my meditation, so I did.
June 22nd, 2012 –
“Morning Meditation”
I wrote Jordan a good-bye text last night. It was more for me than for him. I have so many fond memories of him that I didn’t want the last thing I said to him to out of distance or anger. I don’t think he’ll reply to it, and that’s okay. To each their own. I made my peace and now its dealing with the aftermath.
This morning, I knew I needed to meditate. I prayed and felt the Universe touch my hand while I was doing that. I cleared my chakras. I had some problem with the throat and heart chakras. They cleared up nicely though. I also saw a man holding a baby in black and white. He let me get a good look at him then he walked away. I called for him to come back but he just kept walking.
When I went into my body, I was drawn to the Cast Off room. There were figures there, dressed in white. I was told that I had to confront them to get rid of them. They were overbearing emotions. I confronted all of them. I released them and they fell apart and left. I had to go all around the Cast Off room to do it, then I knelt on the floor and prayed again. This time I prayed to have the strength to keep such emotions at bay and not let them overwhelm me. Adam was there. He helped me with that. I talked to my higher spirit, but I’ve already forgotten about what. I noticed that Angora wasn’t in the room and I panicked. I realized she was in the place that she came from. She was waiting for me at the doorway to that place. I went to her and cuddled her. Cernnunos came into the house and offered a few, short comforting words. Angora and I went back to the Cast Off room and I played with her.
My mom briefly interrupted here because it’s time to get ready for work. I made her get out instead of coming out of meditation. When she finally left, I played with Angora until I got my bearings again. I went up to where the connections are. I had every intention of dissolving the one that was attached to Jordan. That was basically my goal. When I tried, I heard a voice tell me no and asked me to wait a few more days. I expressed that I was done, but it begged for a few more days. I fixed the pole so that it would stand up right and I allowed it a few more days. Thus, it’s still there.
I have to get ready for work now. I’m running late as it is. I had a lovely meditation, even though I’m still a tad confused about the outcome. Wish me luck today, kiddies.
June 29th, 2012 –
“What Do I Know?”
I meditated today. I was feeling depressed by my situation. I won’t loiter on the feeling. I don’t want to feel it again. Meditating helped.
I cleared my chakras. It was all fairly normal. I couldn’t get the intensity of orange light out of my womb chakra. I don’t know what else to call that chakra. It was just intensely orange. I felt myself let go of the depression.
When I laid there in that feeling a while, I caught myself dreaming. I don’t know what about. When I would come to, it wasn’t fully. I was still in mediation.
I went to the place that I keep my connections with the intent of getting rid of the one that I associate with Jordan. I talked to a voice that popped up when I tried to pull the peg out. I told it that having the connection made me feel hopeless. I miss him still. I miss the little things. I miss his laugh, his mannerisms, and I miss the way he’d touch my knee in the car. It’s hard to deal with because I don’t want to miss him so much. It’s illogical and to top it all off, it seems so impossible. I was reminded that nothing is impossibe. I wasn’t allowed to remove the peg completely, no matter what I tried. I even tried to put it in the past where I put all the other things, and it just felt so unnatural.
I talked to my Higher Spirit, ended up in a cave-like setting. It was very peaceful. She gave me a hug and told me to pray for my doubts. So I did. I told the Universe that I was sorry for doubting. I’m sorry for saying things I didn’t truly mean. I’m sorry for saying things that I meant at the time. I’m sorry for not being perfect. I just want my light to shine. I don’t want to be lost. I begged not to be lost. I also begged for help. When I went to end the prayer with “amen”, my Higher Spirit stopped me. She told me not to end it but to leave it open ended. She told me to open my eyes. I did.
Soon I left to go to the Cast-Off room to see Angora. I ended up in a bedroom at the foot of a bed. In the bed there were two children, fast asleep. I looked on at them until someone else came into the room. It was my inner child. She was mad at me. I asked her to take my hand. She did, and then she bit me. I told her not to bite me and she only bit me harder. I explained to her that I love her and that I didn’t mean to cast her out all those years ago. I told her that it was dumb of me and that it wasn’t right. When I drew her in for a hug, she hugged me back. She absorbed back into me, into my being. I felt rather whole. After that, I kissed each child in bed on the cheek and left. In the hallway, there was a woman, she called herself Marie. She looked like a caretaker or a nanny. She explained that she was me in another life. The children that were in the room were hers and mine. I was really confused, but then she pressed me close for a hug. I felt part of her absorb into me and the other part walked off down the hall.
I needed help so I hurried off to the Cast-Off room. I immediately went to my Higher Spirit. She put her hands on my shoulders and then on my head and told me not to fight it. Marie was my womanhood. She was all that was feminine in me and I needed to accept her. I tried, and I accepted a lot of her, but part her just felt too foreign. I asked my Higher Spirit to take that part out and she did. I took it to a doorway that led to her world and pushed it through. After that, her energy seemed to intergrate with mine nicely.
I then tried to play with Angora. She wasn’t feeling it today. I was told that I needed to open up and give her access to my life and not just my psyche. I obliged and opened up everything just for Angora. She could come into this world. She could go where-ever she needed. She could be where-ever she needs to be.
After that, I was told to come out of meditation. I was told to write, watch a movie, and eat. I’m not that hungry. I feel fat and ugly. I always feel fat and ugly. I will write though, and I’ll watch a movie. I might even eat later. I don’t know. I guess I should.
July 1st, 2012 –
“Letting Go”
First of all, I want to start this out saying that I found out that I have a surveillance mode on my computer’s webcam. I was fooling around with it when I was helping make dinner and eating, which required me to leave the room. My cam turned on several times. I would post one or two of the videos, but some of them eventually have me coming into the room. A few of them don’t have me in them, but my room is a mess. Yeah, I’m going to be weird about that. But I have an 8 minute video that includes me walking in at the end. The cam shuts off after a few seconds of no movement. I tested it. It was crazy. I didn’t really see anything on the video, other than a a shadow or two moving slightly. I’m not sure what to make of it.
Now, I had a weird dream last night. It was about Lindsay, Jordan, Richie and I. I dreamed that Lindsay was seeing both guys, and I was jealous because she was seeing Jordan. There was something about a hotel and seeing Lindsay on a walk for art with Jordan. We all had fun pretending to be other people using props, like a mop and some silly putty. It was a weird dream, and I woke up knowing that I was jealous of her because she wasn’t so alone all the time. I admit that I can be jealous of my best friend. I’m not saying she has it perfect, and I am happy for her, but I’m sad that I don’t have some of what she has. I removed Jordan from the equation then.
I decided to meditate. I went to see my Higher Spirit. She told me that I’m lonely, and that’s why I couldn’t get rid of that attachment in the past. She said that the loneliness is what made me still want him. I’ll agree to that. I should have been over him by now. He didn’t even like me. He betrayed my trust. I shouldn’t like him anymore. I’m just lonely. I’ll have to accept that. She told me there wasn’t any reprieve with the guys I see all the time. It was just time to deal with it. I thanked her. There was more to the conversation, but that was the jist. I played with Angora because I love her. She followed me up to the place where I keep my connections. I grabbed the peg with the cord attached to it and I threw it off. I still felt it dangling nearby. I gathered up all the memories and whatnot of being with Jordan or being around him, and threw those out too. After that, I found the cord attached once again. I ripped it up and threw it out of my psyche entirely, then set up a barrier so it couldn’t come back.
It’s time to deal with my loneliness without thinking of him. We’re weren’t meant to be. We weren’t meant to date. We weren’t meant to even be friends. I can see that now. I think I’ve seen that all along, I just didn’t want to ackowledge that. I hope he has a good life. I won’t be seeing him again.
July 12th, 2012 –
“Clarity and Release”
The title of this one sounds like a bad title to a metaphysical book, doesn’t it? It’s like catch and release, only not. Yeah, it was intentional. Enjoy that, muahahahahaha.
Now, in more serious matter, I meditated tonight. Finally! I know!
I was actually spurned into it after an encounter with a guy on the internet. I randomly decided to place an ad in the vampirefreaks classifieds, and someone answered. Well, lots of guys answered and some of them seem very nice. I have enjoyed talking to a good majority of them. That’s not the point though. I ended up talking to this guy. I won’t give any names because I’m just not going to. Let’s call him Awesome with a capital ‘a’. That will be his code name, because I just met him, technically, and because I think he’s an awesome human being. In short, he’s Awesome because I found him interesting.
Anyway, Awesome reads tarot cards. I’ve been trying to learn this for a while, I won’t say how long. I’m not as good at it as I’d like to be. Part of that is lack of practice, a small portion is because my cards and I aren’t as connected as we should be, and another part is a blockage in myself that I have to take care of. I need a less hostile environment to clear that particular blockage, so it’s suck there, for now. Either way, he’s very good with his cards. He was nice enough to do a reading for me on Skype, even though I was a little boring, or maybe a lot boring. He’s cute, a lot cuter than I expected, and it threw me way off guard. Plus, his reading hit a little close to home and I wasn’t completely clear on it. He talked a lot about energy and the fact that I need to let something go to move forward with my life. He mentioned love a lot, true love. I was thinking it may have been something a little different from that. I found myself needing to hug Lugh Thorne near the end of it, and I didn’t want to do that on cam. That’s just what I need someone to see, me hugging a stuffed animal bunny. Never mind the fact that the bunny is a physical representitve of the acknowledgement I hold for the fae, oh no, all he would know is that I was hugging a rough looking bunny with angry eyes. Lugh Thorne is adorable, by the way. He talked about more, but because I can’t be exact, I’m just going to leave what his reading was at that, and move on to my meditation.
When I laid down for my meditation, I had to pray for safety and clarity. I cleared my chakras and got rid of the negative energy. When I dropped down into full meditation, I took a trip to that room where I store my negative feelings. I cleaned it out, completely. Not like last time where I got most of it out, no, I cleaned it out.
I didn’t know where to go after that though. I asked where I needed to go, and tried going to the Cast-Off room, but I was told that wasn’t where I was needed. So I went to the place were I have my connections. I went there and Angora was waiting for me. I gave her a hug, of course. I love her after all. I tested some of the connections and moved some around to fill that gap where Jordan’s connection once was. My Higher Spirit appeared to me and she was there to give me clarity. The details are a little fuzzy here. I’m not entirely sure why, but we had a long conversation. She told me that I have to let go and take risks again. It was time to stop hurting and time to start living. I have to be patient. I have to win my patience back. They’re coming, but I don’t need to worry about it anymore. She seemed to approve of my new motivation as well. She helped me re-ignite my flames for writing.
The big thing that happened was that I released my Obsessions. I let them rise up and they took the form of a golden angel. I released it and asked that the energy does good in this world instead of us weighing each other down. It flew off, and I really did feel a weight missing from me. At first I cried, because it was disorienting, but it’s good that its gone. I can focus on other things now. Maybe it’ll help me live again.My Higher Spirit filled that whole that it left with water, which is a symbol of emotion, and in that, a pink ribbon slipped out. Pink, whether I like it or not, is a symbol of love. I stored it away and thanked her. We gave each other a lot of hugs. I loved on Angora too, because she’s amazing.
July 20, 2012 –
“As Promised, Meditation”
I had a hard time focusing for this meditation. I have so much to do. I’m going to meditate more later.
I cleared my chakras and dropped down into meditation. I cleared out the negative energy and tried to relax. I played with Angora a little. It was sweet. She lead me to the Cast-Off room where my Higher Spirit was waiting for me.
My Higher Spirit seemed nervous or at least uneasy. I have so much to do, which is part of it. She was also nervous about going up north. She said it’ll be like it always is when it comes to family. We’ll feel distant and rejected. She said its worth it though. That’s an overall feeling in my soul. It’s worth it. It’s worth it. She said that I’ll have premonitions up there. She said there would be a little clarity, but I would have premonitions. That’s part of why it’s worth it. She said it wouldn’t be a bad time, and that I would be able to get some serious spiritual work in around the family activities. I’m excited about that.
I also asked if I would bring something back. I intended to bring back a rock from Lake Superior, and I might if we still go. I sincerely, desperately hope that we go to Lake Superior. That is the plan after all. She told me that there is something I should bring back that I will have to buy. I need to check my funds of course. I hope we stop in a thrift store or something if that is the case. But apparently there is something I need to bring back with me from this trip.
I really hope the plans go through.
I will make a separate post for the tarot reading. Right now, I want to go look at the rain. I can hear the thunder, even with my earplugs in.
Anyway, I intend to take pictures. I’m not taking my computer with me, but I will try to relay as much of the spiritual activity that I encounter up there as I can when I return. I’ll even try to share some of the pictures, if Xanga will let me. I won’t leave you out of the loop!
July 25th, 2012 –
“My Trip to Minnesota”
Happily, I was able to get on a later flight to go to Minnesota! I met Amba and saw my family. I had revelations, as predicted. I had an amazing time and I wish I didn’t have to come back down to Texas. The time away gave me a chance to truly think about what I need to do though, and I have a battle plan, of sorts. I’ll try to walk you through everything the best that I can.
I made it to the plane just in time for boarding. The crew was running a little late, which was lucky for Mom and I, because we all but ran to it. When I got on, I was seated next to a skinny kid that couldn’t seem to stay on his side of the arm rest, as well as his very young looking mother and her baby. The baby didn’t make a peep the entire plane ride. I listened to music going up. I tried to nap, but I was jolted awake every time that kid brushed my arm or knee with his arm or leg. When I got there (after a little wait for the bathroom and baggage claim, which both seemed to take forever), I got to leave the airport. Guess what? Tyler was driving! That’s way cool, right? We went back to their place, and Tyler did very well driving. They made fun of the ridiculous accent that I’ve slowly acquired in this awful, awful state. There was mention about how my awesome shirt made me look like a hippie. That was fine. There was a lot of picking and teasing during the trip. Overall, there was picking/teasing about my “small ears” (as well as a comparison to Amba’s ears, which are also small according to Tyler,… I didn’t notice so I don’t actually know), my height (there were comparisons there too), my being so quiet (that was a big one), and follies of mine that Tyler remembered but I had kicked out of my memory long ago due to embarrassment (I have enough embarrassing moments that I beat myself up over, so I let some go). Those are the ones I remember anyway. Despite all that, and sometimes because of that (sans the embarrassing recollections) I had a lot of fun. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them and I missed them a lot. We ended up running errands and getting Taco Bell the first night out. I talked to Samuel quite a bit. He’s doing really well in school and he’s very good at video games. He’s also great at building stuff. He’s going to graduate a year early. He’s thinking about becoming a pilot or doing something with games. Some of us think he should go into something where he can build stuff. He’s really good at it. Not everyone can say that. I also met all their kitties and puppies that night too. I didn’t think I’d remember all the names, but I believe I have them down. I tried to meditate after Samuel and Auntie Gretters went to sleep. I was able to clear my chakras, pretty easily too, but when I tried to sink back, I was told that it wasn’t safe. I gave up the ghost and went to sleep instead. … Oh! Also, Raven remembered me! She was so excited to see me! I had to give her lots of hugs and love.
Well, the next day, we took off for Lake Superior! We didn’t leave until around noon-ish or an hour after noon. Somewhere in there. We all talked a little on the drive up, then they threw in an audiobook. We listened to “Dead Men’s Boots” by Mike Carey. It’s really good! We listened to it on the way back too. We started on chapter 10 when we got back that night. I need to get the audiobook so that I can hear the rest. The guy that reads it sounds so pretentious, and yet it fits. It kind of reminded me of Scott (my ex) and the association made me smile on more than one occasion. I talked about him a lot while I was up there. I guess that’s because he was such an influence on my life. He had me interested in a lot of things and I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I hope he’s well. The drive up was gorgeous. We drove through Duluth and that area was gorgeous. We stopped at a pretty rest stop and at Gooseberry Falls state park. We ended the first half of our driving at the beach next to Split Rock Lighthouse. It is incredibly beautiful there. I think it was my third or fourth time being there. It never gets old. It is so beautiful. I took lots of pictures. We ate. We threw rocks in the water. Samuel built a rock throwing game. We saw Bella and Quinn swim (their dogs). We took their three dogs with us, by the way, Raven, Bella, and Quinn. That was great. Bella and Raven cuddled with Samuel and I a lot during the trip (because we were sitting in their usual riding spots). While we were at the Lake, I gave myself a few moments to let the revelations come. I saw a chord of light between Tyler and Amba, as well as a light blue knotted bow. I think it was telling me that they’re soul mates of some kind or that they’re going to get married some day. I also saw a pink circle shoot towards Amba. Around that time, I saw a blue circle and a pink circle shoot towards my heart chakra from some distant light chord.The feeling I had back in December is still there. It never left. I also realized that I needed to move up north. It’s where I belong. It won’t be perfect. I’ll have my problems there and I’ll have issues with facets of living there and maybe even the people, but I think I need to move up there as soon as I can. I pretty much decided that I was going to look around at what kinds of jobs I can get up in northern Minnesota as soon as I could while I was there. I shared the fact that I will eventually move up with my family and Tyler thought it was pretty funny. They’re all planning on moving down to Texas. Tyler, Amba, and Samuel seemed to have reservations about it though. Auntie Gretters is trying to get a job with EPA before she officially decides. I think those were the big revelations. The trip really was full of childhood delights though. When we drove back, I asked for a sign about the December feeling. It was drizzling, about to full on rain and I was tired. I asked the Universe if the feeling was absolutely real and true, to show me a non-domestic animal on the way home. Sure enough, right before we hit Duluth again, I saw four squirrels in the same clearing near the road. Can’t beat that as a sign. The second time we passed through Duluth, I saw a huge, metal ship. We drove right by it. I was astounded. It was just so massive. The trip back was filled with that audiobook, and the barest amount of chit-chat among us. Tyler drove us up and Auntie Gretters drove us back. While we were at the lake, I found a green rock that I intend to use as a meditation stone and I found a black speckled rock that will go near my Iowa rock.
The next morning, Samuel left to go on a camping trip in Michigan with his class. We missed him terribly, but I’m sure he’s having fun. Michigan is awesome! It was also Grandma’s real birthday. We’re going to celebrate it on the 5th of August so that we can all be there for her, but it was her real birthday. She’s 80 years old now. Grandma, Auntie Gretters, Tyler, and I went to the Minnesota Zoo. I didn’t take as many pictures there because they don’t always turn out all that well. I did get a lot of shots of the bears because they were very cute and very active. Auntie Gretters also bought Tyler and I matching Wolf Coffee Cups. They’re way cute. She bought Amba a penguin cooler thing and Grandma got one too. Amba didn’t go to the zoo with us. We walked around the zoo and left five minutes before they officially closed. It was a lot of fun. Later on that evening, Grandma, Auntie Gretters, Tyler, Samuel, Amba and I went to Perkins for dinner. That was a lot of fun. We talked about what real life would be like as an anime. We talked about Samuel. We missed him and Grandma kept bringing him up. Those two hardly seem to get along, but she couldn’t get her mind off of him. We were silly and had a lot of fun. When we got home, most of us went to bed. I took a shower and then went to bed.
Today, Grandma drove back down to Fort Dodge. She wanted to meet her friends at Hy-Vee. We talked to Mom about the flight stuff. Auntie Gretters and I talked for a while (we did that the day before too. I think I talked too much). Tyler drove to the airport and they dropped me off. I feel bad for not telling Amba good-bye, but I was weirded out about waking her up to do that. It was great meeting her though. I told Tyler and Auntie Gretters I loved them then went to check in. By the time I passed through security, I had an hour to kill. I got Lindsay something else for her birthday and still felt like a needed something. After wandering around a lot, I finally asked the Universe to guide me to what I needed. I followed the pull until I was standing right next to it. I bought a Minnesota Bell for myself. I have been telling everyone for weeks that I want bells, but I want them when I move out. I have a bell now. It has loons on one side and its metal. It’s perfect for me. I guess it can be my first. When I boarded the plane, I quickly realized how much the Universe was pushing that I should be living up north and not in Texas. I had “window” seat, which was really just a wall. There was no window. I was cramped in by a blonde woman with a bad attitude and her husband. Both took to giving me funny looks every now and again, as well as complaining about everything. Also, there was really bad turbulence while we were landing. I don’t mind turbulence, even like it, when we’re flying, but I’m not so into it when we’re close to the ground. When I got off the plane, I felt a little nauseous. I went and found Mom (she was working), gave her a hug, then went to get something to eat. I had some Chinese take-out and the feeling was gone. I stopped in a shop and got Lindsay the last piece of her birthday present as well as something for me. After that, Mom said I could meet her at the baggage claim. I got my bag, after talking to a grumpy man about it. I was doing my best to be polite and everything, and he still griped at me that he called my name over the intercom three times. When I tried to tell him that I was still in the terminal area, he nodded as if he already knew and wouldn’t say another word to me. Jerk. Mom and I left, stopped at the store, and I ended up getting a multi-vitamin.
Which brings me to my plan…. I’m going to start taking a vitamin everyday. I’m going to do my best to exercise and crack down on my writing. I’m going to look into what jobs I can get into with my up-coming Bachelor’s degree as well as start applying for a new job. I realized just how unhappy I was with the demographic truly caters to and how it’s affecting my life. I’m going to get my ID. I’m going to get my finances in order. I’ll save up for driving lessons. Once those are over, I’ll get my license and do my best to get a car. I know that will take a while, but I will do my best. I’m going to do everything I can to work toward moving up there. It’s not just going to be settling for moving out or moving away. It’s moving back up north. That’s what I’m after. That’s the big goal and that’s what I’m going to work towards. To do that, I need to work, work, work – on making myself happy with me, on my finances, and on my actual work. I’m going to do it. It’s going to be so difficult, but I will do it.
Now, some things I didn’t touch on before I go about doing a few other things that aren’t on Xanga (before bed). Something I wanted to mention is that I was asked a lot of questions about Lentay, Lindsay, and a few questions about Lindsay’s little sister Jennifer. Samuel asked the questions about Jennifer. I think he still thinks she’s pretty or something. It’s cute. They asked a lot about Lindsay because it’s been a while since they’ve seen her. There’s been a lot going on in her life, so they asked quite a bit. There was a lot of confusion about Lentay. They wanted to know what he was like and if we still talked. They wanted to know if we were dating and I even heard from one particular person that it was thought that we still were. There was a lot of talk about Lentay. I was more than happy to talk about all of these people, but I was surprised that they were so into Lentay. They haven’t met him, they haven’t seen a picture for all I know. It slipped my mind to show them one of him that’s in my phone. I don’t know how that happened. They were super curious about him though. I think that’s pretty awesome, because I always want him in my life. Just as much as I want Lindsay in my life. I love them like family. The other thing I didn’t really go into that I wanted to go into now was Tyler and Amba. They seem like a good match to me. The had their disagreements or arguments while I was there, but what couple doesn’t? They’re living together after all. I don’t know how that all works. I don’t know what will become of them. I just think that Amba seems like a good match for Tyler to me. They seem to work together. I only saw them together for a couple days, but I just wanted to say that. They just kind of fit.
Also, Tyler has a certification to marry people and read last rites, all of that. It’s really awesome. He seemed pretty proud of that, and he should be. It’s really excellent. It was mentioned that he might use it if he goes into the mortuary business. I think it’s a great idea. Whatever he decides to do, I know he’ll be great at it.
That’s all for now. I need to make the bed, look at some school work, and cuddle a Akela some more. I hope you enjoyed this!
August 2nd, 2012 –
“Decadence”
I said a long prayer before I meditated, part of it asked for ease in clearing my chakras. I thought it would cut some time off my meditation because I need to go to sleep. I need to be up for work in less than five hours. Throughout the time I was trying to clear my chakras, I kept hearing the word “decadence”. I think it was because I asked that favor. When I tried to drop down into meditation, I couldn’t quite make it to a level of meditation until I really fought for it. I landed on a golden path that led to two black doors. I thought they were pretty at first, then worried that they led to something awful, despite the light that was coming from its cracks. I was looking for Adam when I approached the door, but I turned away in fear.
Adam was behind me. If you don’t know who Adam is, he’s my guardian angel. I’ve had issues in the past because during a pendulum reading with him, I asked if we could ever be friends. It said no. I’ve finally wanted to face that in meditation, and not in a pugnacious way. This time, he talked to me. I naively asked him if the door led to Hell, and he told me it did in some ways. We went to it and the door open. It was extravagent inside to say the least. It wasn’t hellfire and brimestone, but instead it was complete luxury. It made me comfortable to be in there, because the places in my psyche are usually rather modest. He explained to me that that was decadence and that I would be all right. We left, and changed the path from gold to white.
On the path, he knelt down in front of me so we could see eye to eye and we talked. He told me that he’s my ancestor. We can’t be friends, in part because he knows all my awful secrets, and in part because he’s my family. He said that he loves me, but we aren’t friends. We are definitely family. He looks very German, by the way. I felt like a child with him kneeling like that just to look me in the eye. He’s very tall. I changed my appearance to let myself feel older, and I tried to make myself realistic. I even put on the few achne spots that I have in life. He touched them and they disappeared immediately. He told me that I don’t have to feel ugly on the inside. He told me that I can be beautiful on the inside, no matter how I look on the outside. I teasingly said that he was implying that I’m ugly. He didn’t think it was funny. He told me that that wasn’t the case. According to him, I’m pretty on the outside and beautiful on the inside. He also made sure to tell me that I’m loved. Somehow it got around to me asking if he was a real guardian angel with the wings and everything, even though I didn’t see any wings. He told me that he’s an angel, but he doesn’t have wings. I asked him why and he told me that I’ll see. Maybe he just doesn’t need them? We were eventually joined by Angora, who growled because she was grumpy with the fact that I didn’t see her immediately. I don’t blame her.
Adam eventually took me to see Cernunnos. I wanted to know stuff about future children and he’s one with nature, so he was the one to ask. He told me that they were coming sooner than I think, but not too soon. I’m not completely ready for them, but I won’t be ready until I have them. He told me it wasn’t a matter of physical time but when things lined up in that direction. I just have to be patient and keep working towards things that might make me happy, like moving. Both Adam and Cernunnos said that I belong near the North Shore because it calls to me and I call back to it. Cernunnos also took a moment to tell me that I’m beautiful. What’s the deal with that? I know I have low self-esteem but that was a lot. Maybe it’s a hint that I’m too hard on my physical appearance.
Either way, when we went to leave, I thanked him, then immediately felt bad. You aren’t supposed to thank fey. You just aren’t. They see it as rude or something. I expressed my sincerest apologies, and when he seemed to accept them, I asked what a better thing to say would be. After all, the impulse is still there. He told me to say “Blessings” in lieu of “thank you”, at least to him/them. When I left him, I hugged Adam (and got an awesome hug in return) and cuddled Angora. Adam told me to go and get some sleep, so that’s what I’m headed off to do now. Loves you all!
August 7th, 2012 –
“Returned From Iowa”
I’m back from Iowa. I wish I took Akela with me and I wish I was still there. Nothing says “You’re screwed” like the depression I felt driving back into Texas. I guess I just have to suck it up and work hard so that I can move. I guess I have plenty to tell you before I head off to work though, so lets get started.
The drive up was kind of nice. It took forever to get out of Texas. Oklahoma was depressing because the scenery was extremely dreary for the first half of it. It was alright for the second half. Kansas was kind of fun. We got lots of souvenirs and I saw Topeka for the first time in my life. That was cool. We drifted through Nebraska. I never realized how conservative they were. There are so many signs out there about God and making conservative choices. I also saw lots of people in orange jumpsuits on the side of the road up there, just sayin. Iowa was excellent. It was nice to be back in Iowa. Albeit, the wrong side of the state than the part I prefer, but still nice.
We went to Rockwell City and traveled through a lot of small towns. You wouldn’t believe how much menial gossip I heard or the strange looks I received. People were mildly abrasive, but that’s okay. I was happy anyway. When we finally got to our motel, Green Acres, I thought I saw a man watching us from the side of the office. It was midnight-ish and I only saw him for a second. The room gave me the creeps, but the creeps went away after I slept in there the first night. We had to flush a spider the first night, by the way. The first day I took a shower there, the door kept opening. That’s all that happened with that. The shower pressure was the best thing about the room though. It was incredible, and my hair felt so great once I was done.
I meditated once in the room. I cleared my chakras pretty easily. I was told to enjoy myself, and have fun. I was told to enjoy being in Iowa. I asked if there was anything I needed to bring back and I was told that I needed to bring back a bell. I came out of meditation, feeling refreshed.
The day of Grandma’s birthday celebration, I helped cook. That’s what I did the majority of the time. I prepped food, did menial kitchen tasks, and ran back and forth to my Grandma’s apartment for forgotten things to take back to the party room. One of the times I ran back to Grandma’s place, I saw a flash of gray move down the hall. It looked like the shoulder of a man. Grandma came out of her room a few seconds later. It shocked me. My Grandma was wearing purple, so I think it was Grandpa. We all know that he watches out for her.
I had fun talking to people I haven’t seen in years, meeting some of Grandma’s friends, seeing family, and talking to Tyler. It was just like old times again. We laughed and joked around. It was really great. We also talked about his theory on the afterlife. That was very interesting to hear. We all saw Mom’s best friend and some of her family. I met my mom’s best friend’s youngest son’s girlfriend, Jacy. It was nice to meet her. She was in their Christmas card last year. That family seems to be doing well and I’m so glad to see that. They’re awesome people.
One thing I couldn’t seem to shake up there was feeling ugly. I mean, I just plain felt hideous, I still feel that way. I guess I always feel that way. It was just so prevalent up there, because everything else was lovely. Everything, even the bad things, were lovely, expect me. I have a zit on my lip that makes me look like I have one heck of a cold sore. I feel fat, like a tub of lard. I swear if I still lived up there, no guy would have dated me, ever. I don’t know how I was lucky enough to find someone down here. We’ll see if that ever happens again. I’m too ugly to be picky, but I’m too picky to settle for a guy that doesn’t even actually like me. I guess I’ll be alone forever.
Just to drive that home, I had a dream about Scott while I was up there. I dreamed that we met up again and the rest is a little more R rated. I don’t generally have dreams like that. It actually shook me up because when I woke up, I realized how much I miss him. I can’t go through that relationship we had again, but I miss him.
Well, my aunt cut my hair for me. She cut Mom’s hair too. We headed back to Texas a bit late in the day and only made it to Wichita, Kansas on the way back down. I got a bell in Kansas. It’s cute and little. It has a nice ring to it. We stayed in an EconoLodge in Kansas. It was all right, I guess. Could be worse, after all. I missed Akela like crazy the whole trip. We continued the drive this morning, and now I have an hour before I have to go to work. I don’t want to go. It’s going to be awful.
I really just want to cry and sleep, but I guess I’ll post pictures to facebook from the trip.
August 18, 2012 –
“A Quick Rundown on a Meditation”
Once again, I’m pressed for time. I work at 8am this morning and I have to do school work when I get home. Lovely, yeah? I disagree. I think Tax Free Weekend is worse than Black Friday at my store, seriously. If they would change the music to something that ISN’T Country music, I wouldn’t complain. That’s a different rant all together.
All right, I have to make this quick. Long story short, I got some tough love from my higher spirit and a little help from the Universe for my story.
Let me explain:
I prayed to the Universe before I went into meditation. I asked for help with just everything, namely with my anger. I get some serious rage at work from being forced to listen to country music for hours and hours and hours. I wish they would at least turn it down so that it isn’t so loud or something. I didn’t complain when they played R&B and I don’t like that music either. I need a new job and I need to move far away from Texas. That’s the only way to battle this issue, especially because they’ll be playing that junk all weekend. Yeah. It actually makes me mad. Everyone tells me to ignore it, but it is so loud. It just gets into my head, and the last thing I want are those stupid twangy songs floating around in there. So, yeah, I asked for help with my anger. I got help in the form of opening up my chakras and opening up my heart chakra to let off some steam. The Universe helped me with my story too. It let me know that Ilara should be this inbetween character that I was thinking about, Lorna should be one of my character’s mate, and the other character that I was concerned with should be paired up with someone independant. Awesome, right?
Well, chakras cleared, I kind of lingered in that state until after my Mom and Jerry got home from vacation. It was a nice state of mind. I then dropped down into my subconcious and went to talk to my Higher Spirit. She got onto me for thinking that I’m delusional and doubting what I’ve learned or heard spiritually thus far. She got onto me for being down about myself and for doubting the feelings I already had in the past. She let me know that my inner child has been speaking up more than usual, so that’s part of why the feelings are a little misguided. She basically chided me,… then let me know that I’m all right and things are going to be fine. Seriously. I haven’t ever gotten anything that intense from her before. When I went into the room, she even appeared as a storm cloud instead of a light for a while, until after she let me know that I’m not just crazy.
Well, gotta go to work. Loves yas. By the way, if you like country music. Good for you. More power to you. That’s all fine and dandy and I don’t think any less of you for it. That’s great for you. I just don’t think I should be forced to listen to it, especially at the volume its at while I’m working. One manager loves it, so everyone that doesn’t has to suffer. Also, we have a station that they play at work that has a limited range of music, but there’s some mix at least. If they listened to that, I wouldn’t complain about the random country songs that came on, because I wouldn’t have to deal with it for all NINE HOURS that I’m at work. Just thought I’d say that,…. and now I’m off.
August 22nd, 2012 –
“Tough Love Meditation”
Man, my Higher Spirit is just dishin’ out the tough love lately! I finally did a meditation and she cracked into me yet again. I think I deserved it though, the way I’ve been acting.
Let me start from the beginning.
My computer froze, so I decided to turn it off and meditate while it cooled down. I prayed to the Universe for protection and also to help me be less vain. I’ve figured out how vain I really am recently and I’ve been appalled with myself ever since. Seriously, I need to cut that out.
I cleared my chakras. It was interesting this time. I spent time pushing out bad/negative energy, but I didn’t throw it all into the sun (which is my way of disposing of it). Some of it just floated off, changed, and left me. I had two that kind of freaked me out. One of them was when I was clearing my chakra below my belly button. I dissolved a blockage there and I saw a gold coin pop out of the chakra (in my mind’s eye). Before I could really investigate what it was, a gigantic raven swooped down and took it. It was gone in a matter of seconds and I was left thinking “What in the world just happened there?”. My Higher Spirit told me the bird saved me from that negativity, but man it was weird. Also, when I was clearing out my crown chakra, I saw a little round person in the black goop go with it. Gross. I wonder if I needed that person, if I got rid of something I needed. I doubt it because I was clearing out the bad after all. It freaked me out though.
After all that, I dropped down into meditation. I looked around and was immediately aware of myself, go figure right? I was wearing this poofy Lolita dress, it was cute, but so not me. My hair was black and I was wearing raccoon make-up with white base. Like I said, I liked it, but it wasn’t me. I changed the dress to be less poofy, and I went to the cast-off room. Immediately, my Higher Spirit gave me a friendly hello and acknowledged that I looked happier. I agreed, because I felt happier, and I hugged Angora.
When I rose, my Higher Spirit gave me a big hug, then made a face at my dress. She helped me fix it. The fabric turned into multiple layers of place and white lace (mostly black). The sleeves became longer and the length of the dress was shorter. Instead of being down to my calves, it was more like a mullet dress. The back brushed the backs of my knees, and the front was just a little bit higher. The sleeves belled out. It had an empire waist and the skirt dropped down loosely. She turned my hair color back to my normal hair color, decreased the make-up level, and added a short lace veil for fun. When she was done, I felt great. I felt like me! She affirmed it and told me that I finally look like me again. I got to keep my shoes. They’re black pumps with little red splatters all over them.
I did a spin, kind of felt like the dress was something out of the 1970s, only gothed out, and felt pretty happy with it. That’s when she laid into me. She decided to get it all out there and not waste any time I guess. Her first order of business was pretty blunt. In a social setting, it would’ve just been inappropriate all the way around. She told me to stop being lazy and lose some weight. She’s right of course, I have been kind of lazy and I do need to loose some weight. I feel like I’m trapped in the body of a manatee. If I would just exercise some and eat foods that I know are better for me, I wouldn’t have as many issues with my waist size. As a disclaimer here, I want to say that I don’t think that everyone who is chunky, overweight, or whatever, is lazy. This is purely meant for me and the fact that I have been lazy. I am capable of losing this weight and I just haven’t taken the steps to do it. I just let myself be cruel to myself and I’m not even trying to fix that. I have to work on that. I’m not trying to get down to a size 0 or anything. I would be happy to be in a 10 again. In case you’re wondering, I’m a size 16 right now, though I do have a pair of 14s that I fit into. Not the point though. The point is that being less lazy will help me feel better about myself. I can’t do anything about the rest of what I consider ugly about myself, namely my acne, but I can exercise and eat good food.
After that, she talked to me about kids. She, once again, told me that they’re coming. She said that’s all I need to know really know. They’re coming and I need to prepare. I need to work on issues that I have already pinpointed because it will be sooner than I think. She also said that some people might think that I did it on purpose, but to just ignore them. They don’t matter in this situation. What matters is losing some weight, working on my books, and finding a better job.
She talked to me about my friend. She said that I took the news so hard because I’m lonely. I might be vain but I took the news that hard because I have no one in my life and I’m jealous. It’s true. I am jealous. I hate to admit it, but I always feel so alone and he finally has someone. I’m so happy that he has someone because he’s an awesome person. I just hate that I’m alone. She said that I’m going to be lonely for a while. I don’t take risks and put myself out there to meet people, so I’ll be lonely. That’s just how it is. There’s not much I can do about it right now.
On that note, I expressed that I was upset with myself for kind of fantasizing about a co-worker. It hasn’t been anything too creepy. Let’s call this co-worker Aspen. I have a little crush on him. I mean, it’s a menial crush and I know he wouldn’t go for someone like me. I’ve seen his type and I’m not it. I’m actually fine with that. I occasionally fantasize about him seeing what I’m really like though. This guy I have this menial crush on is a jerk and I feel like I’m aiming too high just by having a crush on him. My Higher Spirit told me that it’s fine though. It’s fine that I have a crush on him. It’s fine that I fantasize about him seeing me for me, and not just the dork he sees at work. Maybe because I realistically know that Aspen and I would never truly like each other anyway? I don’t know.
I talked to her more in depth about what’s going on with my heart. When I let people in my heart, they’re stuck there. I will always love them, no matter what. It’s really not that easy to get in there in the first place. She told me its all right to miss these people that are in my heart. They’re there for a reason and they aren’t going to just go away because they aren’t in my life anymore. It’s okay to miss them, and there’s always going to be room for more. I have plenty of love to go around and it’s all right to be lonely. Things don’t work out with people, despite my love for them. Scott and Lentay were the central themes to this, I suspect. I got to talk to Lentay recently and he kept reminding me that I haven’t gotten anything done yet. He wasn’t doing it to be a jerk, he was just surprised because we haven’t talked to each other in a long, long while. I still miss him even though the effects of how he reacted stung, a lot. I always miss Scott. I always miss Lentay. That isn’t going to change. For the record, love isn’t always romantic. Just saying.
My Higher Spirit told me that I need to get cleaned up, throw on the work-out shorts I bought over the weekend, and work on my manuscript. Do something that is good for me and something that is productive. In other words, she wants me to not wallow around anymore today.
She sent me on a run with Angora. We ran through the forest in which I met her. It was a run to wear off some hurt and excess energy. When we came to a clearing and I greeted her pack, I ended up back in the cast-off room. My Higher Spirit told me I had one last thing to do. I had to sever a connection. I couldn’t think of what that connection could possibly be, so I went up to the place where all my connections are. Up there, there was a taunt cord, quivering. I knelt in front of it and touched it. I saw people from work, people from school, ordinary people with ordinary problems and very closed-minded, conservative views. I opened my mind and next to it there was a different cord. I touched it, and instead of being pummeled with images of other people, there was a white light, and some random images that passed by. It was a connection to open minded people. I was told that this is where I would find acceptance. I randomly saw a guy in a plaid shirt, glasses, with floppy brown hair. I laughed and asked if that was a hipster. She told me yes, and I immediately had the feeling that he was different, like me. It was odd, because I don’t know anyone that looks like him, plus the hipster thing kind of throws me off, a lot. But I decided that to each their own and drew away. I untied the cord the closed-minded people and let it go. It’s gone now. I don’t have to try to be like them because they’ll never accept me for who I am. I’m going to attempt to focus more on the people that are worth my time instead.
Well, I need a shower. I’m going to throw on the shorts that I bought and do some exercises. When I eat, I’ll eat something healthy. I should eat now, so that I don’t eat to late,…. but anyway,… after that, it’s manuscript time.
August 25th, 2012 –
“Shower Meditation”
I tried it!
It was all right. I couldn’t seem to achieve anything beyond some light meditation, to be honest. I cleared my chakras before I got in the shower. That was hard because I was standing up. I had to take a wide stance with my legs or risk falling backwards.. I have no doubt that it looked at awkward as it felt. I couldn’t clear them as thoroughly as I wanted to, but I got it done.
When I got in the shower, I tried to go back into my subconcious, but my paranoia about having at least one eye open in the shower was very prevalent. I can’t handle being so vulnerable. Silly, I know, but I wasn’t going to concur that fear tonight, now was I? Anyway, I was able to get my body to go through the motions of taking a shower without me really thinking about it. I really only had to focus on that when I was moving my feet or reaching for a bottle. Other than that, that was all fine and dandy.
I had a terrible time with concentrating on the meditation and removing blocks. I constantly wanted to bust out into song (yes, I sing in the shower, its not weird) or daydream about random stuff, which is what I usually do while I’m in there. What I did get with my light meditation was some help with my story. I should have asked about what I should do with the title, but I didn’t get to that. Instead, I figured out what I wanted Harley Mariska to do in the story, and cemented the idea of Harley Lucille. I cemented what I want to do with the Quin as well. I also decided part of what I should do at the end of Blood of Reform (which I’m now considering calling Blood of Reformation).
So, I guess it was partially successful. I didn’t get a full meditation, but I got a little. My Higher Spirit is wonderful when it comes to showing me paths for storylines that I’m having a little trouble with.
Anyway, I need to write a little (a page or two) and hit the hay. All my love and stuff!
August 28th, 2012 –
“Meditate Out of a Rut”
I would love to say that I meditated out of my rut completely. I didn’t. Some of the weight is gone though, and that helps.
I prayed to be forgiven, yet again. I asked for protection while I meditated. I asked for the Universe to help me pull myself out of this rut and for help with ridding myself of the negative energy that’s been harming me. As such, my chakra clearing was pretty complex. Not only was the negativity being pulled right out of me, I was pushing out blockages in my chakras. You should have seen all the layers that the Universe ripped off me. I mean, there were chunks, skins, and literal layers just pulled right off. At one point, I thought I saw this ogre-ish/cyclops thing being taken away too. It was intense. When it was done, I was left with open chakras and what I look like as my inner self. I wasn’t picturing myself as I look right now.
I dropped down into meditation, and saw the path. It was lined with lilacs and they bloomed as I walked down the path. It freaked me out a little. I’m not sure how I feel about that whole flower thing. I said hello to Angora and my Higher Spirit. My Higher Spirit commented that I looked happier than I was. That was nice. I kind of let out how done I was feeling though. She told me that they’re coming, and I told her it didn’t matter because my femininity has been ripped away from me. She basically told me that I was being over-dramatic and that I’m not ugly. I argued with her about that one, but eventually had to shut my trap. She’s my Higher Spirit after all. I argued that it was going to be a very long time before I even go on a date with a guy again, and she just kind of shrugged. She told me that I didn’t know that. I told her no one wants me. She told me I didn’t know that either. Images of some people I talk to on the Internet flashed through my mind, and I told her they didn’t count because they were so far away that I’d never really meet them. They wouldn’t want me in person. She told me that I was stuck in a rut and I needed someone else to help me out of it.
I left something like resin or something close in around me and it sealed. It was like the world was just, nothing. It was terrible. I started crying and found the determination to break it. I broke it down enough to leave the room and go to my Heart Room. I curled up next to the connect to my soul mate and kept trying to break free of the remaining resin. As I tried, I heard my Higher Spirit tell me that I was going to hurt myself. I didn’t care. What does it matter anyway? No one wants me. I don’t want me. Anyway, a guy appeared and I had to stop in my tracks. I was trying to figure out who he was and he told me not to guess. He helped me out of the resin around my legs and disappeared. I just had some around my feet left. Adam came in and pulled me out of it.
He gave me a hug and told me that my Higher Spirit didn’t mean I wasn’t capable. She meant that I need some human contact. The meditation wasn’t going well because I needed some human contact. Not the kind off of the Internet because that doesn’t count, but some real, honest, human interaction. I don’t know where I’m going to find that. It sounds nice though. He also told me that I’m being too hard on myself. Sounds normal, by my standards.
Adam gave me another hug, and told me to hug Angora and my Higher Spirit. I hugged Angora. She was with me. I went to my Higher Spirit and gave her a hug. I apologized for being rude and she told me it was fine.
I need to get some rest. My door keeps moving, which is weird, but yeah, I need some rest.
September 5th, 2012 –
“Fear and Reassurance”
I have lots to do, so I have to just kind of run through this.
I was doing a tarot reading for a friend about future children. I thought it would be a good idea to also do a reading on mine. The first card I drew was a supposed to signify me as a mother. I was distraught when it came up as the nine of swords, which is a card of failure and woe. I was immediately fearful that I would be a terrible mother, wouldn’t have kids at all, or that I wouldn’t see life with my children as a good thing once I had them. I was very concerned. I had to do a meditation on it.
I asked the Universe to protect me, forgive me for all my rage and hatred that I’ve had to vent out, and for help on getting to the bottom of this matter. I cleared my chakras, which took a while because there was a lot of bad energy in there. It was really gross. I held my Kansas Bell the entire time I did this.
When I dropped down into meditation, I was called to the cast-off room. There, my Higher Spirit gave me a hug and got rid of a lot of the negativity in me. She told me that I need to meditate later about clearing that out, but it wasn’t time for that now. We needed to talk about that card. I asked her about my fears, and she basically told me that I got that card because I’m going to have children before I think I will. I’ll feel like a failure and it will be very emotionally distressing. She said it would be different once the baby was actually out, but its just going to be hard. She told me loads of times that I would be a great mother, a wonderful mother. She said to work hard and I’ll be fine. She said there would be times of happiness and she told me to reflect on when I was going to get Akela. Right before we went out to get her, I broke down crying. I was scared I wasn’t responsible enough and that I wouldn’t give her a good home. What if she didn’t even like me? They were all fears I had, and I got her anyway. She’s my baby and I love her more than anything. She said it would be similar with my kids. That’s what the card meant. I told her that I was very scared, and she told me that I should be. There’s a lot involved with having children and it should be a scary thing to contemplate. I asked her what I should do, and she said nothing. There’s nothing I can do. I just have to work my way through it as it happens. She told me I’ll be okay.
This was also the first time I got a prediction about time estimate from her. I said that I didn’t think I would have children until I was 25. She smiled at me and told me I would have children at 25. I told her that that’s when I’ve been thinking that I would have them, so that wouldn’t be sooner than I think, now would it? She just gave me this knowing smile and it dawned on me, they would be children when I was 25, but they had to be babies before that. I asked, and she confirmed it. That really knocked me through a loop. She’s never really given me some kind of time length before. It’s kind of scary too. It’s just a prediction though. I’m not trying to have a baby. I’m not ready for that, not even close.
Also, I cuddled Angora, of course 🙂
January 25th, 2013 –
“Wake Up Call for Nixie”
I really did need to meditate. I think I might have been less conflicted and even possibly less brash if I had done so. With meditation, there’s a larger possiblity that I will not lead myself astray. I might not make the decisions that lead me towards a cold existence. Maybe, just maybe, I can tackle this self-loathing with the help of my Higher Self, and conquer it once and for all. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Now I’m sitting here with an empty bowl of soup at my right and some delicious English-style tea at my left. I have only an hour to get ready for work, and still I have to get this out. It is good that I write these sort of things. I can reflect on it. Maybe, someone that needs to hear something similar will read it too, and know they’re not alone. Maybe they’ll be inspired to trust the Universe and themselves enough to live their lives on a path towards what it is their soul needs. I don’t know. What’s good for me isn’t good for everyone, but I’m not alone in this thinking. The probability in that I’m the only one to think this is slim to none, and I like it that way.
For weeks you’ve been hearing about me saying that I am going to detach from dating. I’ve been telling myself that I don’t need to love and whatever else comes with a mate. I’ve done my best to rise above such needs and focus my will elsewhere. While I am not focusing entirely on this need for a mate. I have been kicked in the pants about trying to detach from it. My Higher Spirit and an angel let me know that I’m not meant to detach from it. It’s always going to be there. I was told that I was doing it wrong, basically. Instead of praying for the strength to rid myself of desires, crushes, and everything inbetween when it comes to guys, I need to ask for the strength to find someone worth my while. My Higher Spirit was also a bit upset with me because of the negativity I’ve thrust upon myself. She’s hurt by the way I’ve treated myself because my own abuse is devastating to me. I have to find a way to combat that and be stronger. Meditation will help.
It’s time that I stop running away from my problems. I tell people to face their problems all the time. I wasn’t doing that. I was building walls and hiding from them. I was running from them because I didn’t think I was strong enough to face them. I don’t have to run. Everyone has their problems. I’ll still have problems once I conquer these ones. The point is that I can conquer them. The point is that I will.
So, this all started last night. My best friend came over, and after we hung out for a bit, we started talking about names. We found epic ones that just plain fit, like Bellamy, Drake, and Lucine. Once she left, I found Sterling, and it was mind-blowing. It was perfect. It was the name I’ve been searching for this whole time. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but I can’t really explain right now. I have so much to say and mere minutes to do it.
Well, this morning I felt a strong need to meditate. I needed confirmation and assistance. I prayed to the Universe to keep me safe, and as I prayed a voice came to me. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s not like it was telling me to burn things or anything awful like that. Instead, it told me that I would need to meditate again (hopefully tonight). It said that I would feel better after I meditated. It told me that my feels for my manager were to show me that guys that are more on my wave-length do exist. I was supposed to meet someone on FL to be shown that not all quirky guys are my speed. I was basically told not to give up. When I asked who was speaking to me, as I felt the voice was masculine but not Adam’s, I was told that Adam was nearby but I was speaking to Archangel Uriel. He told me a lot of things, some of them I can’t even imagine how to describe on here. All of what he told me was personal, so please don’t think he dropped some sort of prophesy on me. He just wanted to help, and I appreciate that a lot. I’ve never really spoken to anyone like Michael or Gabriel, so this was astounding. Uriel is supposedly the angel linked up to Aquarians, like myself. That’s pretty cool. He was really nice. He helped me clear my chakras and reassured me. It was a very interesting and wonderful experience.
When I dropped back to talk to my Higher Spirit, I felt like Alice in Wonderland. I was thinking too much so I was too big at one point. I walked through the wrong door. I evened out once I got to the Cast-Off room. Instead of a white dress with black lace, I found myself in something more of a victorian gown, with a veil that I had to lift. That helped a lot. She cleared me, the part of my psyche that was cast in doubt. She told me that Sterling was the perfect name. She told me I would have to meditate again soon. She let me know that what I want to happen would happen when the moon was full, high in the sky, and frogs were chirping in the distance. She told me that it would be soon. It’s always soon, but it was more soon that when I first heard that. It’ll happen when it needs to happen. She also told me that Bellamy would work as long as Kys stays with Austin, but she couldn’t tell me more. I loved on Angora a little. I was reminded that she is a guide and a protector, not a pet. She can take care of herself, but she still loves me.
Soon I had to come out of it. I have to go to work. I only have a half hour to get ready now, but this needed to be said. I have to trust in how things work. When in doubt, meditate, and it will help. This is going to be my first step towards a better sense of self and a better life worth living.
January 26th, 2013 –
“The First Day”
Readers, we have a first day coming on. First day of what, you might ask? This is the first day out on a path that I’ve been meditating about since 2012. I don’t know why this is the first day. I don’t know why December 26th, 2012 wasn’t the first day. I was told in meditation yesterday that this is the day it would be begin. Apparently there is something different about today that is going to really get the ball rolling.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I might not notice anything at all. My gut definitely tells me that I will notice something that will make me think that its the first day. I don’t know what’s going on. This is my entry to say that I will report my day back to you (under the title “End to the Day”). If I notice anything, I’ll talk about it. I’m not going to look too hard, because if it’s going to happen, I don’t want to interfer.
January 26th, 2013 –
“Uriel” (A Side Note)
I forgot to mention something the other day when I was talking about Uriel.
I went out one night and met a guy that was very quirky, but a different kind of quirky than me. When I eventually meditated, I was told that I was supposed to meet him so that I could learn that not all quirky is my speed. I’m glad I learned that pretty quickly. When I got home that night I met him, I thought I saw something in my dining room. It wasn’t scary, and it was just a glimpse. It was the same color as Brigid was when I saw her, like a golden beige. I thought it was her at first, but the shape wasn’t the same. I thought I saw something like out-spread wings, but it could have been a fling of hair. I don’t actually know. It wasn’t scary though, just surprising. When I got to talk to Uriel during my meditation, I got a flash of that memory through my mind. I think I saw Uriel that night. Of course, I’m not certain of this, but I think I did. I should ask him or my Higher Spirit, depending on who I get to talk to. I doubt Uriel will just talk to me whenever, you know. Seeing Brigid was amazing, this experience was pretty awesome too. I’m pretty lucky.
January 26th, 2013 –
“End to the Day”
I was definitely on edge today. I thought today was going to suck. It was so busy and I was scheduled to stay 30 minutes later than what I was used to. The mass amounts of people made me antsy. I had to work with a coworker that I don’t like being around for half the day. On top of it all, I was worried about it being the first day towards a journey/destiny that I’ve been waiting for. I spent part of my day trying to look for a sign that this truly was the first day of that. I spent the other part trying to figure out the details of this Path Towards Destiny.
I had a voice in my head most of the day that would tell me bits and pieces, sometimes I thought it was toying with me. When I accused it of just being a voice I made up out of tension and imagination, it admitly denied that. I know it sounds crazy, but usually, if it’s my imagination, my mind will go blank when I say it’s all in my head. It’s solid confirmation, normally, but the voice was quite present. It would tell me that the step is coming and that I would see it. It was more than the sign I got at Subway. I guess I missed it. I’m not certain I saw any big confirmation of this path. Maybe, if it was there at all, it was too subtle for me too notice.
Let me explain my day:
I woke up this morning and made myself a cup of English-style tea. I had a butter and jam sandwhich (there wasn’t anything else that was quick to make). After watching some TV with my mom, I posted a couple blogs and got cleaned up for work. I was actually a little early to work. I was still about a minute early when I left the break-room. I spent a few minutes looking for the other ushers, in a fairly good mood, and couldn’t seem to find them. I finally found one of my managers coming out of the one theatre I hadn’t checked, and he told me that he was done and that I was late. I immediately defended myself. It wasn’t five minutes past my scheduled start time. He didn’t mention it again after I told him that I couldn’t find him. Honestly, after that, I was still kind of grumpy while we cleaned other theatres. I didn’t cheer up until I was able to go on break. I clocked out for break at 2:13 (a really early break). 13 is my family’s lucky number. Wide spread through my Mom’s side of the family, 13 has been prevalent and lucky. I’ve taken note of that, and I took note that my break was 13 minutes into the hour. I left the building with my stuff, slipped in some headphones, and headed to Subway. During my meditation, I got a feeling that I would talk to someone on the way there. I thought they would be influential. I did end up talking to someone, which is rather unusual, but it was my co-worker Alex. I don’t see how he’d be influential to this Path of Destiny (this shall be the official name, by the way). I like working with him though. He’s fun to talk to and he’s really sweet about his girlfriend. It’s really cute. Anyway, I went to Subway, got a sandwhich and sat at the only table that wasn’t surrounded by other people. As I was eating my sandwhich, I noticed some movement in the window. Immediately I was afraid, I just knew it was a bug. Turns out, it was a moth. I was still rather leery of it, because I thought it might attack me or my food. I have bug/aracnid phobia, but I still think moths are awesome. This was one basically black in color. It’s wings were always moving, even when it was just sitting there. I watched him the entire time I downed my food. I even got a picture of him, which I posted above. I’ll add some moth symbolism further down. When I left, I mentally asked “Was that it? The moth?”. I received the answer, “No, it’s still coming”. So, I spent a lot of time asking questions while I worked again. I can’t even begin to remember them all. We ended up being very busy, so I had a lot of thinking time while I mindless swept up popcorn. There wasn’t very many conversations going around, but they were funny ones. I love working with DeVon and Mr. Vila. They’re a riot. I found that working with Racheal is rather fun as well. It was nice. The parts of work that I actually dreaded doing, I ended up not having to do them. We were done ahead of schedule. I actually got off work a little early. I never quite picked up a sign, other than being lucky. I found a shiny penny in one theatre and a metal tag trinket in another. I was genuinely lucky all day. I even got to go on my second break when the truly overwhelming number of people in the lobby was starting to make me have an internal panic attack. It was really nice. It was misty outside when I got off work. I was able to walk around and breathe in some nice, cool air while waiting for my Mom. I had a good day, especially when that one co-worker got off work. I did go around the corner of the building, despite the nonchalant protests of this voice that had I been hearing, only to find two different people watching me from two different cars. It was a little freaky. I went back and stayed away from them. Once my mom picked me up, I talked to her all the way home. I made some Macaroni and Cheese. When I pulled out the box, I realized that I would crave my childhood favorite when I was on the road to being a Mom myself. I made dinner, ate while watching a show about dogs. I basically just relaxed. Now I’m about to fall over from exhaustion, but I just have a little more blog to write.
Honestly, the 26th of January wasn’t really that eventful. If I had to take a guess, the moth was a sign and so was the fact that I was lucky all day. I was really lucky today when it comes to an average day. My best guess is that I’ll be lucky on this Path of Destiny, but I don’t see how today was the first day of it. I didn’t see the first step on this path. Was it somehow when I talked to Alex? Was it when I saw the moth?
Speaking of the moth, I was going to talk about the symbolism of that moth. According to http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-moth.html, the animal symbolism of moths has to do with, “Vulnerability, Determination, Concealment, Attraction, Subtlety, Intuition , and Faith”. It is rather interesting that it comes up this way. I thought it would be a metamorphasis, like a butterfly, but instead its vulnerability, secrecy, attraction, and intuition. I love that subtlety came up, because the sign that I should have seen must have been subtle. The truth is, all of those things absolutely convey the journey I’ve had to get to the point where I could be on the Path of Destiny. I was a bit afraid of that moth though. Maybe it means that I’m moving on to the next step, but the next step actually scares me too. I’ll be fine. I’m ready for this path. I can do it. There is a hint of fear in me though. It’s all the what-ifs that nag me. I’ll have to work on that. I’lll have to meditate on that. Therein lies the determination.
That was the “First Day” in a nutshell. I need to go to bed now. I have an early morning. Maybe my dreams will bring me answers that my waking life didn’t.
January 29th, 2013 –
“Talking to Uriel”
I had a rough time meditating to start off with. I needed to balance out, very badly. I got a lot of help with that, but I finally had time to do that. I had a lot to work through. I feel better now. I am still really sick of all the stupid noise happening in my house. Jerry needs to stop doing that stupid cough of his and he does not need to yell when he’s talking. He’s the loudest person I know and I just need him to shut up sometimes. I hate that he’s always friggin’ here. ALWAYS! RAWR! The dogs will not shut up today either. It’s just getting old.
Anyway, Uriel helped me clear my chakras. He’s helping me a lot lately. I appreciate it. He says its because he wants to help me and I need the help. He’s right, I do need the help.
After clearing the chakras and balancing out, I dropped back into my psyche. I talked to my Higher Spirit and loved on Angora. I felt like I was of kilter with the way I felt. I asked for my Higher Spirit’s help on that. She put me back in a Victorian dress with a lot of lace, a veil and fun hair. I felt better. It was nice. After that, I asked about Uriel. She said it was safe to let him in the Cast-Off room, so I let him in. That’s when I got to see him. He was tall, with long, straight brown hair. His eyes kind of looked blue. He had dark eyelashes. He was wearing a lot of red. It was a loose, long sleeve red shirt. He had red pants that kind of reminded me of renaissance-faire pants. He was also wearing a very long red cloak. I inquired about his wings and he immediately spread them out under the cloak. It was cool. It was angel wings with curtains over them. He took the robe away from them and let me touch them. I couldn’t help myself, I had to ask about demons. I’m more afraid of being deceived by one of them than anything else when it comes to spiritual stuff. He told me that not all demons are fallen angels. Some fallen angels have beautiful wings, but they have a tell that lets you know they aren’t right. He told me that I’d be fine. I guess I won’t be deceived if I pay attention. He didn’t seem worried about that at all.
After that, we talked. We talked about names. He let me get rid of the name Aurora and told me that I might not love the name Lucine forever. He verified a lot of the names I love though. We talked about Lindsay and her names. We didn’t get to stay on that subject long. He kind of told me that things would happen when they happen. We’ll still be friends. I shouldn’t worry so much about losing her. He also made it a point to make sure I knew that I’m a devoted friend, and things would be fine. We talked about why I’m obsessed with names and why I feel that helps me. We talked about my motivations and there was a lot of reassurances.
He told me I’d get to move soon. It will happen. I shouldn’t despair. I just get frustrated sometimes. He told me that was understandable. He was very patient with me on this.
He was about to leave, and I stopped him to ask what I should do about my fears. He turned back around and grabbed my shoulders. He started to lift me up, but I started to panic. He tried to put me on something, but I couldn’t relax enough to listen. He set us down and used clouds to form more of a closet like room, which lifted. He told me to look at him and release my fears. It took me a few moments. It was really hard to open up and let all my fears out. They went to him and didn’t cling to me. What tried to stick, he brushed it away. He then told me to tell him what it was I was afraid of, or to ask. I said something to the effect of “How do I know that I’m not being strung along to a fate of sorrow and pain, like penance or hell from something I had done”. As he started to fling my fears that had gone to him away, he told me that I didn’t have to be afraid of that. Even if I don’t end up with fulfilling that feeling I had or the information I got, even if I don’t move up to Duluth and live in a house, even if I don’t get an editorial job or get published, in the end, I will feel whole. My soul will have learned what it needs to learn. He said how I felt in the end is what matters. I will follow the path, live my life, and I will be okay. My soul will come out stronger for it. I just have to have some faith. He did something after that I guess was meant to remind my soul more than myself why I shouldn’t be so fearful. He put something in my chest that lit me up like lightning under my skin. It didn’t hurt. It was just a very strong, golden light. It made wings unfurl on my own back. I asked if I could look at them and he nodded with a smile. They were feathered, like a bird’s wings, but bat-like underneath. They also had a cool pattern in the skin of them. They were very soft. It was a reminder that part of my overall soul, my part of the soul, has a goal to be a guardian angel someday. Uriel seemed quite proud of my wings. I don’t know if my soul has more aspirations than being a guardian angel, but I know my life is part of that path and that goal, which is awesome. The wings went back in and we went back down into the Cast-Off room. The light faded and he told me I didn’t need to be fearful. I don’t have to be afraid.
Uriel left after telling me that he was still helping me. That was nice. I needed to come out of meditation, so I did. I had to bring the computer out to type while I was watching my show. My mom, Jerry, and the dogs are still being incredibly annoying, especially my mom. She’s talking on the phone and sweeping right now while we’re trying to watch the show. Why does she have to be so annoying? Why does this whole house have to be so damn annoying?
Anyway, I missed some parts. Angora adored Uriel. She was getting pets from me and sitting next to him a lot. It’s always a good sign when she likes someone. Also, Uriel told me that he’s been around me for a while. I used to see a swirl of red cloth when I was younger. It would just be a flash. He told me that was him most of the time. That was a nice mystery to unravel.
This meditation was all about positivity.
Also, I forgot something else. I really shouldn’t blog in front of the TV, but I’ve been waiting all week for this show and I still needed to get this out before I lost it. We talked about the Path of Destiny. He told me the first day the step was to realize that people actually wanted to be around me, I can handle stressful situations, that I know when to walk away, that I’m lucky (but not to abuse that, just live with that), and that the moth was there to just tell me the obvious. It was a reminder of how far I’ve come. The next two steps had to do with reminding of how far I’ve come from my discomfort with children. The next day was to let me know that this Path isn’t going to make me lose myself in an ideal and what I need to do, that I’ll still be me at the end. I asked what I need to do, and he told me just to live my life. The steps are in my life, so I just need to live and pay attention.
This was a nice meditation. I enjoyed it, beyond the annoyances from my family.
February 7th, 2013 –
“Chase Away the Negativity”
I woke up very late today. It’s not like I had somewhere to go, and apparently I needed the sleep, but I woke up around 4pm (central time). I guess that’s what happens when you stay up way too late. Anyway, I let my dog out, and eventually felt the need to meditate. I did not go to bed on a positive note and I didn’t really wake up feeling all chipper and ready for the day. I was especially disgruntled when I realized my step-dad would be home soon, so it would be pointless to take my earplugs out. Now I’m stuck with wearing them until he goes to bed. They’re very uncomfortable right now, kind of like my room. It’s ungodly hot in here, especially since this is February. I hate Texas so much. It’s always too friggin’ hot here. Always. Even when it snows, it’s only one night the the temperature dropped below freezing point. That fluff is gone in mere hours after that happens, and it only happens once a year. I hate it.
Anyway, I’m boiling alive in my own skin, but I still managed to meditate. I prayed, I talked to Uriel, I talked to my Higher Spirit. I cleared my chakras, with Uriel’s help. I asked about my feelings for my manager. I was told that I have to feel conclusion about that. I didn’t know what that meant, so Uriel produced a box. I put my hand in the box and wrapped my fingers around a white glob near the back of it. Uriel closed the box, and I felt the glob shrink down into an acorn. Uriel told me to think about what an acorn means. I told him it’s a fracture of a larger entity, that being a tree, that is dropped from its branches. He didn’t say anything, so I also said that it’s the means for a new try to come into the world. He smiled at me and nodded. I don’t know how that’s a conclusion, but it sated my curiosity. I asked about Lentay, and he produced the same box. I held a new glob as the lid closed, and this one turned into a lava rock. When I pulled it out and looked at it, I observed that it was kind of ugly. It’s brittle, full of holes, kind of reddish-brown. He told me that it represents our feelings. It came from something more fiery, like lava. Now it’s dry, full of holes, and no one truly wants it. He said that we aren’t meant to be in a romantic sense, but that doesn’t mean that I’m losing him. Just because our feelings are the lava rock doesn’t mean I’m going to get rid of it. It just means its in a different state of being. (If you read this, I love you Lentay. I truly just want you to be happy. I sincerely hope and believe that you’ll achieve this happiness in your life. That’s just how I feel). When I put the lava rock in my pocket, Uriel suddenly passed me a rabbit. It was a cute Holland Lop rabbit. I cuddled it and he told me that I’m supposed to get a rabbit. I would love it no matter what color its fur was (I’ve been thinking about trying to get a Siamese sable rabbit, but I think that’s beyond my reach). He told me it would be good for me to get this rabbit. I let the rabbit hop away and had to watch Angora. She is a wolf after all. She watched the rabbit, but let it hop away. She got so many cuddles for not devouring the little spirit rabbit in front of me. She’s not a pet, after all. I’m sure she eats all sorts of prey animals that I haven’t been privy to. I eventually picked Angora up to keep cuddling her. Uriel and I talked about something, but I don’t quite remember what it was. We eventually got on the subject of my self-esteem after I put Angora back on the ground. He reached into my chest and held my heart. He squeezed it and black goo came out. He got rid of the goo and my heart lit up in his hand. He told me that I’m not gross. There are things I need to do to feel better, but I’m not gross. He also told me that even though I don’t have any sort of significant other in my life doesn’t mean I’m not meant to love someone. Just because there’s isn’t anyone around for me to make that connection with right now, doesn’t mean I won’t ever have someone in life to make that connection with. He told me that I would have to be the one to battle my insecurities, but I would do it when I’m ready. Apparently I’m not ready. He also told me “soon”. But I hear that so often. Soon isn’t really all that soon. Soon is eventually,… or maybe never. I just don’t know on that front.
When I wanted to come out of meditation, I was told to go through a door in the cast-off room. They said that Angora could go with me. I went to the door, closed my eyes, and opened it. It was the house where Cara stays. She’s the one that takes care of my possible future children. She had me come in and hold two of them at once. In the folds of their blankets, I found stones. I found some Lapis Lazuli and some Obsidian. They combined in my hand. She took them back, one at a time and put them in cribs. I walked around and found in blankets a large rosy, opalescent stone. It felt like an opal, but it didn’t have the fire. It didn’t have the lightness of a pearl, but it had the soft, round exterior. It looked like a large, very light pink calcite. I think that’s what it was. I also found a rough smoky quartz. That’s when Cara gave me a pocketed apron. I put the Lapis and the Obsidian in one pocket. They separated and were no longer joined at that point. I put the Calcite in another pocket. I put the Smoky Quartz in another pocket. I looked around, and found a small Dalmatian Agate, and it went in the pocket with the Quartz. Lastly, I found a River Rock. It was smooth and a beautiful rock, but it wasn’t shiny like the others. When I put it in my pocket, it turned into a fiery opal. Cara told me to put them up in the Cast-Off Room. I watched Angora love on one of the babies, and we left after thanking Cara.
We went back into the Cast-Off room, where Uriel had shelves waiting. We placed one on each shelf. The last one, was the River Rock/Opal, which was placed with the River Rock side down and the fused Opal part on top. He had me touch the Dalmatian one, and it grew into a much larger rock. He told me these represented love. It was very interesting.
Uriel left and I thanked my Higher Spirit. I came up out of the deep meditation state, but I noticed a presence. Everett was in the doorway. I asked him if he was okay, and he said he was fine. He told me that he wanted to talk to me. He told me that I should stay positive. It was something along the lines that I was too nice or good to not stay positive. I thanked him and that seemed to brighten him up. He told me he was going to go play with some toys and he left. Uriel talked to me a little bit before I came out of mediation completely.
I’m still rather frustrated that I have to wear earplugs until Jerry goes to bed. I’m upset that he’s always home. I’m upset that I have to be the one that’s uncomfortable just because he can’t manage to cover his damn mouth when he coughs and because he is so friggin’ noisy. I’m frustrated because I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I hate living in this house, this state. I hate that I don’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with. I hate that I don’t have the nerve to ask my manager if there’s a way for me to talk to him outside of work. I hate that that situation is so impossible. I’m still upset, but I feel better than I did before. I’m going to go try to get some things done. I just hope Jerry goes to bed soon, because my ears hurt. I’m sick of him coughing. I’m sick of him always being around. It’s not fair of me, but it’s true. I wish I could move out. I wish that with all my heart. I wish I could get so far away from this place that it was just an extremely distant memory, a nightmare to be forgotten. I’m tired of being trapped in this room. I’m tired of having to let my ears throb in pain. I’m just tired of the way I live and I can’t change it right now. It’s awful, and no one cares. No one ever cares at all.
March 3rd, 2013 – “Frustration in Short” So, I had a bad day yesterday that basically ended with me sobbing myself to sleep. I was just so full of hopelessness, sadness, and anger. I woke up today with that anger still boiling deep down in me. Uriel had me clear my chakras and go back to sleep. I’m not even kidding. He was basically like “Shut up and do it”. So, I got another hour of sleep. I’m awake now with just a half hour until I have to leave for work. I haven’t even brushed my hair yet or anything. I just wanted to say that after clearing my chakras, I feel less angry. Maybe my world will be a little brighter when I go to work today. Who knows? Maybe I’ll feel less frustrated when I go to work. That would be nice.
I clearly need to meditate though, like actually meditate. I don’t have time today. I need to though. I think I know how it will go, but I should try anyway.
Also, I need to get away from a certain person that I met on VampireFreaks. I’ve caught him in two lies now. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, but he keeps lying to me. We’ve only talked on the internet. I’ve told him to slow down, we haven’t even met. He keeps telling me that he’s the guy for the and that he’ll take care of me. I don’t want someone to take care of me. I want someone to be with me, a companion, not a keeper. I know he’s trying to be romantic, but I don’t fall for that sh!t. Pretty words don’t mean a thing when there isn’t anything behind them. He’s freaking me out because he keeps telling me that he has dreams about me kissing him. I only started talking to him because he persistantly tried to talk to me on VampireFreaks during my hiatus. This guy might be one screw short of a whole assembly. I mean, seriously, he lied about reading a poem I posted on Facebook. I posted “The Stolen Child” by Yeats and he said that he read the “article” that didn’t exist, then said he read the poem after I called him out on it. I don’t think he did. He also sent me a few pictures of himself at work saying that they were what he looked like that night, but he’s sent me the same picture multiple times, then a week later, he wanted to talk on cam. We got on, and this guy has a full beard that is clearly maintained to look at least somewhat nice. I think he’s had it for longer than a week, just because of the way it was shaped, cleaned up, and it didn’t look less than a week old. All the pictures he sent me, he didn’t have facial hair. Also, every picture he sends me, there are other numbers attached to the photo. He’s sending them to someone else too. He says its his mom and brother. It’s very possible that it is, but there is something really off about this guy. I think I need to get away from him entirely.
March 14th, 2013 –
“Azrael”
I was having a bad night, and I want to keep this short, my apologies.
I decided to meditate because I was extremely depressed. I was considering suicide. It’s not like I had a plan working in my mind, but I was thinking about it, a lot. I had to meditate. So, when I did, Uriel chided me. He showed me the bleak landscape that awaited me if I stayed so negative or went through with it. I prayed for help. I prayed for protection. I got it. I talked to Uriel and he helped me. He talked to me and helped me clear my chakras. I had to do it first, and then he helped me get rid of the building negative energy around me. After that, he kind of turned things over to a different angel. He turned things to Azrael. He appeared partially as I know the image of death, which is more wraithe-like, but under than visage, there were bones and there was an angel. They were all one in the same. He wasn’t frightening. Also, to clarify, he told me that he appears as the gender and image people are most comfortable with. I guess that says something about me. When he would try to show me his face, it always looked a little odd. The eyes would be too small, the nose too big, the shadows were odd. He told me that it wasn’t time for me to see his true face or experience the world that revolves around death. Every face he showed me was smiling though. He hugged me a lot. He told me that I have a lot to live for. He tried to show me what I have to live for, that being children, writing, and all that. When he spoke, he had kind of an Middle Eastern accent. It was interesting. He was nice. He told me he was happy that I wasn’t scared of him and that he liked my wraithe-like character in my series. He said that he was sweet. I was glad for that. That character is one of my favorites. He was just very kind and he wanted me to see that it was going to be okay. He eventually left me with Uriel again after he let me ask him a whole bunch of questions. I won’t talk about those here. They’re private and special to me.
Uriel had me clear my space of bad energy then had me drop down into my psyche. He made me know that my feelings are normal. He made sure I understood that my life isn’t over, basically. He told me a lot of things. He had me cuddle with Angora and told me to enjoy myself tonight. He wanted me to know that I’m loved. I think he wanted me to know that I matter. He also made a point to tell me that my Grandma, my Grandma Betty, loves me no matter what. He helped me throw some doubt that had been lurking around out. I asked him about my manager and he kept showing me a growing plant. I asked about my future and he had me stick my face in a lily pond and see images at the bottom. I saw the opening to the Brady Bunch, hallways in houses, a family portrait with blurred out people, and the legs of babies wearing lots of different colors of pants. He let me know that I’m okay.
I’m going to go eat now, drink a pop,… cuddle Akela, clean Sonomi’s cage. I should cuddle her too. I need to go to bed soon, so lots to do before I rest.
April 5th, 2013 –
“Meditation Update”
I guess I took a short hiatus from Xanga. Part of it was that I wasn’t doing a lot of spiritual stuff. I was just trying to sort things out in my life. The other part was that I didn’t have time to record one meditation and the other was very personal.
The meditation I didn’t have time to record was a doozy. I ended up falling asleep in the middle of it. Usually, if I fall asleep during meditation, it’s when I’m clearing my chakras. It’s a bit of a no harm, no foul type situation when that happens. This time was very different. I had a visitor was I was trying to clear my chakras. Uriel kept telling me it was okay, but it was still really odd. This man, something like an ankou from some legends (a man that guards the cemetery of the dead or a collector of souls), was circling the end of his staff over my third-eye chakra. It weirded me out, but I couldn’t get him to go away. There was also this little brown and gray thing with big eyes. It had a furry body that looked a bit smashed in some ways. Uriel helped cast that thing away. In any case, this ankou took my hand and touched me with this staff of his. He completely opened my chakras. It was explosive, to say the least. He gathered up the negative energy, and left, just like that. It completely freaked me out. I had no idea what happened. I tried to meditate and ended up falling asleep. I had a nightmare that night and as I woke up, I heard this scratchy voice tell me something along the lines of “love is sweet; love is kind”. I know it sounds really lovely, but it was ridiculously omnious. It was scratchy. It sounded like it went well if a haggard creature with long sharp claws. It sounded amused and as if was getting closer. I had earplugs in, so I know the whisper was in my mind. It was absolutely haunting. I was jumpy for hours after that. What made it worse was that that ankou really opened up my senses a lot. I saw a lot of things that day, and heard things I couldn’t explain. I toughed it out, but I was a mess until around 6pm that day. Note to self, never ever fall asleep during a full meditation again!
The ankou was interesting in appearance. I’m still not sure what was up with him. He had a staff made of a light colored, golden wood. His cloaks were purple and he had a big, floppy purple hat. I didn’t see much of his face, just a smile. He didn’t really talk to me. His hair looked like it might have been brown, maybe. I have no idea if he was an actual ankou, that’s just what I’ve decided to call him.
The last meditation was about my future, family-wise. I won’t go into that here. I also asked about things with some people I’ve been talking to. I was told to let things run their course with one of them. I was finally told that what I feel for my manager is meant to keep me on track, for the most part. I know I actually like him. As long as I like him, I’ll be weary of jumping into a relationship that’s more questionable due to desperation. I was told to keep talking to one person because we had a lot to learn from each other, me more than him, but I was also told it wouldn’t work out the way he wants it to. The fourth person I asked about, I was told that things were as they should be and that I shouldn’t fret so much about it, basically.
April 17th, 2013 –
“The Other Day”
I haven’t gotten to do many spiritual things of late. I’ve been really tired is part of the reason. The other part is that I’ve been busy. Things get crazy sometimes.
I did have an interesting experience at work the other day though. It was over the weekend, Sunday, I believe. I was walking around at work before I had to clock in and I found myself at the end of the hall quite frequently. I went into one auditorium, and looked around, when I came back out, I saw a flash of something white next to me. I brushed it off, but knew that if I went into the auditorium across the hall, I’d see something. It was something I just knew. I decided to test it out. Why not, right?
I crossed the hall to go into the empty auditorium. As I was looking at the floor, deep in thought, I saw a white light, an orb, come at me. I wasn’t even in the auditorium yet. Maybe I should have left it at that. I saw something after all, but I wanted to know that I would see something in the theatre. Basically, I wanted to be right.
I went in and stood at the end of the aisle. I looked down and saw the outline of someone in one of the seats. That happens all the time with me. It’s sometimes hard to tell if there is actually a customer there or not. I knew it wasn’t a customer this time, because no one was supposed to be in that auditorium at all yet. I looked at it and looked around. When I was looking back towards the figure, I saw a tan outline of someone climbing the incline of the aisle, along the chairs. Silently, I congradulated myself on being right. It’s not like that happens all the time. I only saw the image for a few brief seconds and when it was gone, I thought it was gone. I got the urge to leave, and I was only quickened when I saw the tan image reappear again, only about 5 or 6 seats closer.
I left. Later I prayed that nothing would follow me home from the theatre, and I haven’t had an issue since.
Just thought I’d give you guys a little something to read about my journey until I can meditate or something. I thought this was interesting. I love it when things like this happen. Also, I love where I work.
May 3rd, 2013 –
“Meditation Attempt”
I’m sick. I can’t breathe out of my nose well. My throat is sore. My head feels compacted…. I tried to meditate though. I tried to meditate on past lives. It didn’t work well. I fell asleep. I needed it. I didn’t even start clearing my chakras.
Instead, I prayed for protection and thanked the Universe for everything. I also prayed that I wouldn’t be deceived. I felt a light emit from me. I could see it in my mind’s eye. It was beautiful. I saw images of Uriel pass in a few times, and they went to ash. Then I saw him pass in again, only he looked wounded, not smoldering. I touched him and the burns seemed to go away. I felt his energy, and it was all good except his third eye chakra. I don’t know why, but I tentatively pushed energy through it, to clear out the bad. The negative came out in ashes. I just kept putting light and love through his chakra. I saw battles, fiery swords and wings, battle armor, and all sorts of things. I think he was hurt when he came here to fight. When I stopped, the visions went away, and his charred look dropped away. He was in armor, and it dropped away, leaving him in that red greek-style man-dress-thing he wears. His wings were white. His sword wasn’t in sight. I drifted off into a dream after that. When I’d fight it, I’d suddenly feel like it was okay to sleep.
I don’t understand it. Did I help him? Was this so I could understand him? What was going on? I’m confused, but I thought I should record this.
Now I need to get to bed. I feel awful, physically. So sick. I hate colds.
May 9th, 2013 –
“My Talk With God”
I laid down to meditate after whining on a couple different websites about how lonely and awful I am. I’m just trying to get attention, I suspect. I need help. I want someone to talk to me.
Either way, I did lay down to meditate. I laid down and did the first thing I always do when I meditate, I prayed to the Universe for protection. Amidst that, I began to ramble and whine. I said I was sorry for not being strong enough. I’m thankful for what the Universe is and does, but at the same time, I can’t seem to get over this hurdle. I feel broken, but I heard the Universe tell me I’m not. I just hurt. What I need to be happy is people to love, do things I love, see things I love. I’m not doing any of those things right now. The Universe also said that I’m still in love with Scott. I argued for a moment, but I do still love him. I asked how to let that go. The answer was that I just do. I don’t know how to just do that. I don’t know how to stop loving him. Is it even possible? I’ve always believed that when you love someone, you love them forever, even if it’s just in a different way. I don’t know what to do here. My guess is that I do nothing. I’m good at doing nothing. It’s all I do, and all I am, or at least that’s how I feel sometimes.
My mom and I were driving back from Fort Worth last night. I just spent all day with a guy that looked a little too much like Scott with a personality that seemed like his if had gone a different route with his life. When Mom and I were almost home, we found that the turn lane we needed into our town was closed. We had to take a detour, one that took us pretty close to Scott’s house. We drove down a street that I remember being in the car with him on a hundred times before. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I wanted to cry, but my Mom would have blamed the guy I spent the day with. She would have blamed him or if she figured out that I was feeling some want for Scott, she would just frown in total disapproval. She really didn’t like him. I know why. He was kind of rude in his own arrogant, socially awkward way. It’s easy to misunderstand him. I want to see him again. I don’t know if I want to talk to him in person. I don’t know if I could hug him. I want to see him again. I like talking to him online, but he doesn’t send messages back often. I’m not the creeper ex that wants to get back together with her lost love. I know he’s lost to me. I know he doesn’t want me. I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t even like me, as a person or anything else. This love I have for him, to whatever weird degree, label or depth it is, isn’t good for me. How do I get rid of it? What does keeping it do? Will it fade away, the longer I ignore it? I’ve tried removing him from life. I’ve tried tainting the necklace he gave to me so that it would feel neutral around my neck. I tried being with other guys. Talking to him helps with that need I have to see him or talk to him. He’s pretty short with me and doesn’t seem to want to make any conversation, so I easily get the feeling that the only slack I’m getting is answers to my questions. That’s fine. It does help. It reminds me of why we broke up, because he doesn’t want me. I like that. I like that I can see that message loud and clear. I don’t want to get back together. That’s exactly why this affection is bothering me. It’s confusing.
I talked to God tonight. I hope it was actually the Universe answering. I was told to get up and check my sites again before I really tried to meditate… again. I guess I’ll do that now.
I told the Universe that I need help, and got the affirmative. I relayed that I think I might be crazy and that I should probably be on medication for thinking that I’m speaking with God. I was told that I was wrong. I was told there was nothing wrong with doing something extraordinary, but I argued that anyone could do what I do. Anyone can do what I do. The answer I got was that most do not. I thought maybe I should record that, for future reference maybe. I don’t know. Just felt like I should.
May 10th, 2013 –
“Midnight Meditation”
I can’t get Xanga to work right now, so this is going to sit on my computer until it’s up and running again.
In any case, I was finally able to meditate. I tried again earlier and feel asleep. I woke up at midnight and tried again.
I prayed, of course, and forced something out of my room. It’s attached to my Mom so I can’t get rid of it completely. I hate that thing though. I can’t wait to be rid of it. I also cleared my chakras. It was tough. Every single one was blocked up. The one near the bottom wouldn’t even allow me light when I finally cleared the blockage. It was awful. I did everything I could to get it to shine like the others, healthy and open, but it wasn’t giving until I told myself that I need to start being okay with my sexual nature, and stop being so hard on myself about it. Seriously, it took a pep talk.
After that, I talked to Uriel. He showed me that I was able to look past what could be deceiving me with the help of the Universe. He also showed me that I wasn’t functioning at full. That seemed to be a big theme in my meditation. I went blind to him at one point. He had to help me see by talking to me, and revealing that the more that I trust myself and what I see, the more I will see. I have to be connected with myslf, and I wasn’t. He peeled back the veils, and I learned from the experience. I hope I retain what I learned. We started to talk about stuff that was bothering me, like Scott, when Akela felt the need to get up. She was panting and I thought she needed to go outside. I was upset because I thought it would break the meditation to get up and take her out. Turns out, I took her outside and she didn’t even have to go. I went back to bed, laid down, settled, and Uriel got on to me for being upset with her. I shouldn’t have been so upset with her. She’s a dog and she was probably panting because it’s ridiculously warm in my room. I did finally see Uriel in full though. At one point, he showed me that his wings can look like brown owl wings. It was really pretty. He talked to me about Scott. He told me that it’s okay that I love him. Love is one of the few things that can exceed a life time. It’s okay. He told me that I’ve been looking for a replacement, and that isn’t what I need. I guess I need to understand that I love him. I also asked about Andrew, and he told me that I like him, but I’m seeking the wrong things from him. I can handle the distance he offers, but we’re just not right for each other. It wasn’t wrong to meet him. He’s just not the right guy to seek affection or love from.
Eventually he had me settle into my body. I felt a dark mass at my back. It was space that didn’t seem right. I pulled it out and got rid of it. When I was settled in my body again, it felt much smaller, thinner. Uriel and I were talking after that. He told me that he’s a guardian of sorts and a guide. He’s not my only guide, and it’s okay that I need help. I’m never truly alone and that’s okay too. He said I could meet my other guides some day. He also said he’s not the only one that helps me during the day. He said I could meet them too. While we were talking, I heard a noise that sounded like a snake. Uriel told me to be still and he pulled a weird stripey-dragon out of my head. That was awkward. He threw that thing into the sun. I kept hearing the noise though, so he helped me reach inside and explode what was making the sounds and send them into the sun as well. He told me that they were fear, insanity (based on my delusions about myself) and doubt. It was good to get rid of them. I really don’t need them. It felt good to get rid of them. It took a little while to do, but eventually, I didn’t hear the noise anymore.
He told me to drop back into my psyche. I was apprehensive because I still wanted to talk, but he was insistant. I went. When I first got there, I was too big. I felt like I was poking my head out of my body. I would shrink down and I would be way too small. I felt like there was a really low ceiling. I broke that ceiling apart like it was so many cobwebs and shook my psyche back to life with a ray of silver. It made me the right size. It made my psyche more vibrant. I’ve always been alone on the path before when I get there, but then there was Uriel. He helped me change my dress to be more appropriate. It simply changed into a white lace dress with a black lace belt and bow. The ends of the bow had white lace tips. It didn’t feel quite right, so the colors shifted. What was once black was now white, and vice versa. My hair was up in an intricate bun and I had on the dandelion seed necklace I got last weekend. It was nice. The dress was strapless and my shoes were flat. It was just a nice feeling look.
Uriel left me and I went down the path, which rolled in steep hills, until I got to the Cast-Off room. I went in and noticed two of the rocks for my future-children’s essences were missing. After having a little breakdown, they were replaced with a Sapphire and a piece of gold. I was told that they can no longer be a focus anymore. I had to focus on moving. Uriel came in and he told me I needed to focus on moving too. My Higher Spirit and Uriel had to keep supporting me because I would continuously fall down. It was like I didn’t have any strength left. Every hurdle in my way to moving seems like it’s a hundred feet tall. How am I supposed to manage that? I was told that I could, a lot. I was told that every step counts and that life would be better when I got there. I was told that it would be all cupcakes and rainbows all the time, but I needed to go. I would be happier. I was told to get my butt to Upper Minnesota, basically. I can keep my plans with Maine to keep my options open, but Minnesota should be my goal. I need to make it. I need to get there. Every goal might be a hundred feet tall, but the energy was that I could do it, because I had to.
I asked about how I was a wolf. If Andrew is a cat, for all the reasons I’ve described in my last blog, how am I a wolf? I was told that I’m a wolf for a lot of reasons. Angora is a wolf because she just is (I forgot to mention that I got to cuddle her between pieces of all that before, sorry). I feel comfortable with her pack because I’m part of it. I’m a wolf. When I have a mate, it’s for life and there after, for as long as the feeling lasts. Only a mate can find their way into that bit of my heart. Scott was a mate. It hurts so much to love him because there isn’t a connection. There can never be a connection, but I have to accept that I love him if I want to stop trying to replace him. I cried and argued that he wasn’t a mate because he never loved me. I was told not to assume that I know what was or is in his heart. I really tried to argue with that one, but it’s true, I don’t know anything about what’s in his heart. I’m a wolf because I’m wild. I’m not wild by human standards. I’m not a human-wolf in that I fit in the stereotype of drinking, partying, and living it up with shallow pleasure all the time. I’m wild in that I need freedom and that I live life in terms that are sometimes different from those that I live around. My being is outside the norm of people. I’m an individual. I have my own job and my own needs to take care of, but I am a valuable member of a whole. I am me, but I don’t have to be alone. Even alone though, I can be strong. If I ever have children, I’ll still be a wolf because while I’ll be protective, loving, and able to teach them, I won’t be like every other mother out there. I’ll be me. I’ll have my pack. I’ll parent my own way. I’m misunderstood and I’m loved by people that I don’t know or understand. Those are the things that make me a wolf. Uriel and my Higher Spirit helped me understand that.
We talked briefly about Andrew again. I asked if I would see him again. I was told that I might, but that wasn’t a bad thing. It will be what it will be. I asked about Setu and Uriel told me to just let that grew. I’m not to pick at it. I’m not do anything with it. Just let it grow. I asked about Lex, and I was told that we wouldn’t talk about him this time. I asked about past lives, and again, I was told that we wouldn’t talk about that this time.
I needed a hug so I hugged Uriel. It didn’t feel like what I needed, so I hugged Higher Spirit. That wasn’t right either. I hugged Angora, but she’s dog, she can’t put her arms around me. I turned, and there was my Grandma Betty. I could see her blue eyes the brightest and that curl white-ish gray hair. I went to her immediately and I hugged her. That’s what I needed. I told her how much I loved her and I missed her. She told me that she loves me too. That my family loves me. I asked if she visits Dad, and she said yes. He’s still taking her passing in a hard way. I told her I loved her so much and she told me that she’s always there for me. She’s happy that I want to name a child after her to any extent, but she doesn’t want me to stress about it. I was crying the whole time, but she eventually told me that Uriel needed me. She had to go and be with others too. I went back to Uriel, and she left. He told me that I needed a hug from her, because while Uriel and Higher Spirit love me, my Grandma loves me more. I was basically weeping after that. I was told that I also need to cuddle Akela, because she loves me. She loves me unconditionally. Where as I get upset over stupid things. It’s not like I love her any less though.
During the meditation, I don’t remember where, we also talked about Austin, Lindsay’s boyfriend. I expressed that I should be thankful that she even talks to me when she has a boyfriend that hates me. I thought it was ironic that I say that when he says that I hate him all the time. I don’t hate him. I’m not fond of him, but I don’t hate him. It became clear that he’s probably projecting his feelings onto me. He hates me, and he wants to feel like he’s not harboring these feelings on a one-sided basis. I know it’s not right to fight fire with fire, but if he ever brings up this silly ideal he has that I hate him, I’m going to bring this up. I’m going to bring it up because I don’t hate him, and maybe if I say something, he can figure himself out a little better. I don’t know. It’s worth a shot. Telling him repeatedly that I don’t hate him, and hearing from others that I don’t hate him, hasn’t seemed to work. What more is there to do?
When I finally calmed down, I asked Uriel about Val. He told me to tell him how I feel. He said that I already had the message started with what I sent him earlier. I told him that I didn’t feel like he loved or wanted me, in less words. I’m going to send him another message to explain myself right after this. It feels like every time I talk to him is a lie. He says he loves me or misses me. He tells me how much he needs to feel like he’s wanted, but I never feel like he wants me. I’m just his moral support. I’m just there for him to lean on when he gets dumped or when he’s having problems. I love being his friend, but I don’t need to hear the lies. It hurts when I read them because I know they aren’t true.
I had to go after all that. I needed to be asleep hours ago. I have a driving class tomorrow. It seems stupid to me. It’s a class where I learn ABOUT driving, but I don’t actually learn to drive. It makes me eligible for a driving permit, but I feel like I’ll never be able to actually get a license. Even if I do, how am I supposed to get a car. It’s a lot to handle. I’m going though. I need to be up in less than four hours, and I’m still here writing this. I had to record it. I’ll be dead tired all day today, but I guess that’s the price I have to pay. Sometimes that’s just how it goes. Maybe it won’t be too boring. I hope I don’t have to struggle to stay awake the whole time.
I left the room, when I turned around, I saw all of them there in the door way. My Grandma Betty peaked her head around the doorway and gave me a smile. When she left, I saw my Grandpa (on my mom’s side). He didn’t say anything to me. He waved and left. I don’t get to talk to him because I feel like he didn’t love me. It’s a personal block. I was told that it was me, not him.
I brought myself back up,… and noticed that even when I opened my eyes, I felt thinner. I didn’t feel like I weighed a thousand pounds. I just felt smaller, thinner. I’m not, but that’s what it felt like.
That’s all for now. I’m going to attempt to get just a couple of hours of sleep. Maybe I can nap tomorrow after the class. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m going to spend a lot of money on something that won’t even get me much closer towards my goal. It’s frustrating. Even little steps are steps though. I should remember that.
May 13, 2013 –
“Virgo Tiger” (Not a Meditation)
My interests in the zodiac vary from season to season it seems. I can’t say I don’t put any stock into it. I have found it to be quite a helpful study. At the same time, I really don’t put a lot of weight behind it either. Either way, one of my co-workers asked a manager what his zodiac sign was. He first said he was a wombat, which was funny, but finallly said he was a Tiger in the Chinese zodiac. Apparently he identifies well with that one. He also said that he’s a Virgo too.
I have had the worst luck with Virgos. They tend to nitpick and most of the ones I’ve met have been rather selfish. I’m not saying all Virgos are like that, but that’s what I’ve noticed with the ones I’ve met. I was curious, so I decided to do a little online research on Virgos and Tigers.
I used chinesezodiac.com to look up information on the Tiger sign. They sound like really awesome people. When it comes to their personality, they’re “Born to lead, Tigers can be stubborn if they realize they’re not in charge. They have a slight tendency to be selfish but overall, Tigers are extremely generous. They’re very intelligent and they’re always on alert. Tigers are very charming and are well-liked by others. They are not motivated by money or power”. When it comes to their career, “Tigers have a continual need to be challenged which may explain why they jump from job to job. This isn’t necessarily a problem because they’re smart and able to quickly master new subjects. The best jobs for Tigers are those that will lead them towards positions of leadership”. I thought the Tiger relationship section was particularly excellent. It says: “Creative in their passion, Tigers will never bore their partners. They’re expressive, polite and trustworthy, but watch out. Tigers tend to dominate their relationships. This tendency is instinctive and when monitored closely, such behavior can be kept under control. Partners need to be equally active to keep up with the Tiger’s sense of adventure”. This guy is the most attractive person I’ve ever met, no lie. Of course he has a cool Chinese zodiac sign. And just to add a head shake and explanation to why I like it so much, I read this in the compatability section: “Tigers are compatible with a Dog and a Horse and are incompatible with a Goat and an Ox”. Guess who’s a Horse?
Considering his age, I found out that he’s a Fire Tiger. That means he’s “Expressive, vibrant and a bit eccentric, Fire Tigers are always looking at the positive side of every situation. Because they’re able to generate excitement in others, they’re considered excellent leaders. When Fire Tigers speak, others listen – and do what they’re told!” (according to the Chinese Zodiac). I’m envious. He has a really cool sign and he’s already a great manager. As far as I know (and I really don’t know much) this even seems to fit him. No wonder he mentioned this one first. Being a Tiger sign is way cool.
I’m just a Horse. I’ve never known what to feel about my sign. I only ever end up agreeing with half of it. When you read about my sign on chinesezodiac.com, the only section I totally agree with is the Relationship section. It says that “Horses, being spontaneous, have a tendency to fall fast and hard for others. They tend to give themselves fully in each new relationship a quality that ends up chipping away at their inner being. Fortunately, this exhausting trait mellows with age and relationships are stronger and more stable later in life”. When it comes the personality section, I only sort of agree with the second half, which says: “Horses are extremely intelligent so they’re able to grasp new subjects with ease. They’re also capable of multi-tasking however they don’t always finish what they start because they’re forever chasing the next opportunity. Horses are honest, friendly and open-minded. They’re perhaps a bit too centered on themselves and have been known to throw tantrums when situations don’t go their way”. It also says that “the Horse symbolizes such character traits as strength, energy, and an outgoing nature. Extremely animated, Horses thrive when they’re the center of attention. Always in search of a good time, Horses keep the crowds happy with their humor and their wit”. I’m not outgoing, at all. I’m not really physically strong and I don’t do a lot of physical activity, so you can make some assumptions about my energy level. Also, I hate crowds. They make me feel caged in and panicky. … Oh, and I’m not funny. Crowds are unamused by me. I was fine with the career section, except the last part. “Horses enjoy positions in which they can interact with others. They aren’t fond of taking orders and they’ll run from jobs they consider routine. They’re able to grasp new subjects with ease making them capable of handling most any job. They’re effective communicators and they enjoy power”. I do not enjoy being in a position of power at work, or much anywhere else really.
I completely disagreed with being a Metal Horse. I like commitment. I think it’s beautiful. I want to commit to someone. I don’t feel like it would trap me. It would be wonderful to grow with a relationship like that. Granted, I won’t commit to just anyone, but I do like commitment. The site says “Free-spirited in every sense of the word, commitment is the easiest way to scare Metal Horses away. They prefer jumping from one relationship or job to the next. Because of this, Metal Horses make better friends than partners”. I try not to job hop and I like being committed where it counts. Granted, I’ve given up on dating because no one wants me,… but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t commit to the right guy. My sign just doesn’t speak to me well in whole.
Zodiac-signs-astrology.com says that Virgos are analytical, observant, helpful, reliable, and precise, as well as skeptical, fussy, inflexible, cold, and interfering. “Virgo is a very independent zodiac sign. They are fully able to put their intelligence to use and get things done for themselves. It is possible however that their narrow mindedness causes their creativity to suffer and they may lead regular routine lives. They may dwell too much on the past and over complicate things and this may limit their ability to move forward and confuse themselves. In conclusion, Virgos are able to be independent but the less evolved types will have difficult if someone is not there helping them to achieve more and not be so critical of themselves…. Before a Virgo plunges into anything, from a problem to a vacation idea, they need to analyze all the facts and know all the details before they plunge in and make a decision. This makes them seem indecisive and slow. Virgo’s perception is their reality, more so then other astrology signs. What they believe is what will be, if they have a negative outlook on life, things will present themselves to be negative and they will be very moody and isolated/detached. If they are positive, the same events that occur will be held in a positive light and they will be a pleasant, well adjusted person. A Virgo mind is a very powerful mind and they must have the proper attitude for their life to be happy and successful. Virgo needs to get in touch with their feelings, this is why they usually seem cold or detached. They are very prone of living in denial. They will say the feel okay or everything is alright even when it’s not. This is an easy way out, the one thing that Virgo does not like to analyze is their feelings so pretending everything is okay is a good defense mechanism for not having to take a closer look at their feelings. Virgo has an unpredictable and sometimes unstable temperament…. Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something”.
Aquarius in a Nutshell works well for me: “Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a ‘live and let live’ policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even thought this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types.”
I know what it’s like being an Aquarius Horse. I actually fit pretty well in the Aquarius sun sign, other than it saying that I should be outgoing too. I’m not outgoing. Virgo Tiger seems conflicting at times, and supportive of each other in others. I wonder what that’s like. I wonder what he feels is right in all of this. That would be the question, but I probably won’t ever know. That’s how things work right? That’s how they go.
References: http://www.chinesezodiac.com/tiger.php
http://www.chinesezodiac.com/horse.php
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/virgo.htm
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aquarius.htm
May 28th, 2013 –
“Decisions, Past Lives, and Ephraim”
I finally got to meditate today! YAY! It has been too long.
Before I decided to meditate, I was looking into possibly furthering my education (after my Bachelor’s Degree in English) by getting a degrees in Library Science. English helps with my writing. The Library Science degrees would help me obtain a stable career. It sounds decently well-rounded on the path of personal happiness and finances. I’m not sure I’d be the best librarian though. I’m shy and what if I can’t keep up with technology? What will I do?
Well, I was frustrated, and I needed to meditate. I needed to get rid of the negative energy and find some clarity. Thankful, that’s what I got.
I started by praying, of course. I pray for protection and express my gratitude towards the Universe and life. After that, I tried very hard to clear my chakras, but I found I couldn’t do it alone. I asked Uriel (or any angel) to help me. Uriel ended up helping me a lot. He helped me clear every chakra, one at a time. We removed the excess negativity and cast it into the sun, where I think it’s purified and sent back out into the Universe. I believe that’s how that works. It was a lot of work to clear all the chakras. I guess I needed to clear them in a bad way.
After that, I was told to drop back into my psyche. I wanted to linger and just meditate normally for a moment. I thought of my friend, whom we’ll call Cain for a moment, and then some weird stuff appeared in my mind. I’m pretty sure I saw a bear in a cloak shooting gemmed light-bullets at one point. Weird stuff… So I dropped back into my psyche. I didn’t fit in it again. I was too small and too big, so I had to break the invisible barrier that was stopping me from fitting correctly. When I was basically the right size, I started walking, but felt like I looked odd. I had to stop in my tracks and look. I was wearing this black lace Victorian dress with big white lace cuffs and cloak. I was also flat-chested, which made me feel like a little-girl-anime-character. I was starting to get frustrated with why I looked so different when Uriel appeared on the path with me. He put my face in his hands and brushed his fingers back until they went past my hair. I felt that image go, and I was left with something that looks more like me. I was still wearing the Victorian lace dress with the cloak. I had on clunky black platform heels and my hair was in a french-style bun. I felt more like me though. My body shape was more like me.
When I was more comfortable, Uriel smiled at me and we started walking. My normal psyche looks like a ribbon-like brilliant green path through a black backdrop that has the outlines of buildings and white windows in the distance. They aren’t very detailed at all. It’s just box-shapes, basically. We were walking over steep hills and through brief, deep valleys when I finally asked where we were going. He told me we were going to the cast-off room. Up ahead of us, there was a darkened semi-circle doorway. I was a little scared to go through, but there was no where else to go. Uriel held my hand the whole time as we passed through the dark. On the other side, it was a lot more colorful. There were willow trees and tall trees with branches that seemed to drape down. There was wisteria hanging above and around the path. The path seemed to be made out of dirt and old bricks. I’m ashamed to say there were little white butterflies around, and I think I saw a deer in the distance. I couldn’t see the sky because green moss was draped all around the towering thick trees. It was beautiful and I was rather embarrassed that it was so ridiculously feminine. I actually tried to fight it. I tried to think of lava fields and things like that, but none of it felt right. I had to deal with the fact that my psyche is full of pretty trees, flowers, and some butterflies. Of course there’s butterflies.
In any case, we finally came up to a doorway, which was either open or I just don’t remember opening it. We went in and lots of people were there. They were happy to see me. I looked around, and it looked like my cast-off room. There was wisteria hanging down and the rocks I got from a prior meditation were there. In the room, I saw the Higher Spirit, Angora, my Grandpa, my Grandma Betty, Adam, and a jaguar that I didn’t know. They were just happy to see me.
I don’t remember which of these major things happened first. I know I greeted Higher Spirit and I know I cuddled Angora. I think I was rather confused about the jaguar, so I think I asked about him first. It could be that we talked about the librarian thing first though. I’m going to go with the cat and work my way into the librarian thing. After I cuddled Angora, I looked at the jaguar. He was big. I mean, Angora is about the size of a normal wolf, and this cat was big. He seemed to dwarf her. I scratched his cheeks and he seemed to smile. I continued scratching around his face and asked questions, particularly to Higher Spirit. I found out that he’s a guide, like Angora. I didn’t have to go on a guided meditation to find him because I went on the life-journey to finally see him. When I inquired about his name, I thought they said his name was Ifrit. It freaked me out because while I now know that an Ifrit is something like Jinn, I associated it with the devil-like character in one of the Final Fantasy games. I think he’s in Final Fantasy 8, but I could be wrong. I was told that I was hearing it wrong. The closest I could come up with was Ifrim, and I was told that I would see the spelling when I looked it up. I was confused about why he was male because I used to feel like I had a jaguar friend when I was very little. That one was a female. I was then told that Angora isn’t the only Wolf Guide I have, Ifrim isn’t the only Jaguar. There are others.
I was satisfied with that. After looking into his big green eyes, I got up and looked round. I saw a glimpse of children running around, but then they were gone. Now, I’ll talk about the librarian thing. Everyone in that room, from Uriel to my Grandpa told me that I need to pursue a Master’s in Library Science. Plans might change, but that’s what I need to pursue. They were basically like “You have a year before you graduate, so that’s a year that you have to figure out where to go to get that and what you need to do for it”. An angel, my Higher Spirit, my guides, my guardian, and my grand-parents were all in agreement that I should go for the librarian thing. That just settled it for me. I guess I’m going to look into going into Library Sciences. It feels good to have that decision smoothed over and ready for action. I’ve been struggling with what I should do career-wise for years, and even if this doesn’t pan out, its still the best answer I have. I’ll work with it.
After that, I was shown a simple wooden door at the back of the room. I was told that I could look into my past lives. I wanted to talk to everyone around me first though. I hugged Adam, and he gave me a big hug in return. I don’t remember what we talked about. It was a nice conversation though. I know that. After that, I went to my Grandpa. I hugged him and I told him that I was sorry. He told me lots of things. He told me it was okay, for one. He said I was confused and that that’s okay. Part of life is confusion. He said he loved me, it just wasn’t shown the same way as with Tyler because of distance and family relationships and all that. He said it wasn’t me, that he loved me. It was just a lot of factors that played into how we interacted and when. He told me he’s always with Grandma, and that I could let him in some times. He misses me, and I told him that I missed him. I tried to tell him how sorry I was, but he just seemed to brush that part off. That didn’t seem to be important to him. What was important was everything else he told me, not that I was wrong. When I let go, I went to my Grandma Betty. I gave her a big hug, which she returned. She always seems to thin in the arms to me. I thought it but didn’t say anything. She told me that she’s like that because that’s how I remember her. That’s what I know she looked like. It isn’t that she looks like that in spirit, it’s that she’s going with the image I can associate with her the most. She said that Pebbles appears to me as old and frail still because of my guilt about her passing. I’m upset with myself for not being better to her, not being as there for her as I should have been, and for that, the image that I associate with her is that fragile form she had just before she passed. She made it seem like that would only go away when I got rid of the guilt. I really should have been a better person to her though. I should have petted her and cuddled her more often. She needed that and I couldn’t do it,… I didn’t do it. I feel awful, but that’s the reason she shows up in that form when I see her. My Grandma Betty is such a sweet lady. She told me to pursue the Library Science career again. She reassured me that I would find love and that I would have children someday. She told me the name Linnea was really sweet and told me that I know how I feel about my wanting to name my first son Kane.
When I eventually left her side, I was going to go hug Uriel, but he said that he was going with me beyond the door. He came to me with Angora and Ifrim. We went to the door and I found that it could swing open or closed. After experimenting with that, I went through, followed by Uriel, Angora, and Ifrim. Beyond the door was black space with some purple ribbons of what I can only describe as dust clouds. It was constantly moving. The door was partially closed behind us, and Uriel talked me through some past lives. He asked me which ones I wanted to know about. I asked about my past human lives here on Earth. I got the image of the lady I was in Holland. I know that past life, but he recapped it for me. He told me I was a farmer/baker’s wife. I used to be really good at making breads. I asked if I could bake bread well now, and he said I’d do pretty well. I wouldn’t be as good as I would have back then, but I could do it. He said I had two children in that life, a boy and a girl. I was killed by a man that I had an emotional-tryst with. I asked if I cheated on my husband in that life, the very idea distressed me, and I received a mixed answer. I didn’t cheat on him physically, but I was emotionally cheating on him with this soldier. When I wouldn’t take it to a physical leave, that’s when that guy got made and killed me. The next life he showed me made me laugh a little. He showed me a ninja. At first it was ninja with the black shrouded face and the swords, then the guy looked like a regular guy with long, wide black pants that I thought could have been a skirt. I’m not sure. He had on a white, frock-ish looking top. I don’t know how else to describe it. He had a hard face. What bothered me about his appearance was that he had really short hair. I really don’t know how to place what time period he’s from because of the hair. Uriel showed me this guy going after someone with a sword, using a kusarigama, and whittling something while sitting on a big gray boulder. I never saw this guy smile. I was told that he never found true love in his life, he died in his thirties during an assassination gone wrong, and that while a kusarigama wasn’t his favorite weapon while he was alive, he used one to save his life once which is partially why I have such an affinity for them now. Apparently his favorite weapon was a staff of some kind. I don’t know what that was all about. Because Lex likes to tell me that he was a Native American in a past life, I had to ask if I was too. I was told that I was not, but Uriel had this big grin on his face. The image of an Eskimo came to mind, so I asked if I was an Eskimo. He said I was, and I argued that technically they’re Native Americans too. He jokingly told me that they’re technically Native Canadians, so we just went with that. He told me that I was a man in that life too. I was a hunter, and that any killing done was with honor. I made mention that I don’t like to hunt now, and he told me that there is no honor in hunting in my current life. It doesn’t have a grand purpose, and thus it is not a necessary evil which I have any need to carry out. It made sense to me, so I didn’t inquire further. He didn’t really tell me much about what this Eskimo guy was like, just showed me images of a small community, furs, snow, and something that looked like a spear. I was kind of disappointed that all the past lives, sans the Holland girl, were men and I asked if any of my other past lives were female. I was told that I was a lady in Victorian England. He told me she died of an illness when she was close to being considered elderly. He didn’t really say much about her life other than that she was important and poetic, but not so important that everyone would know her. In other words, she was well-known in her time, but long forgotten now. I saw a lot of old busy streets, paintings, and vases when it came to her. I didn’t really get to actually see what she actually looked like though. The other one he showed me was really odd looking. She had on a fur dress, she had gnarly red hair, and very fine hair all over her body. She also had long skinny limbs and an affinity for ripping whatever she was eating with her mouth. The image stopped when someone came in and started hitting her with something gray, like a fish. It was really strange. Uriel laughed and told me that I have a very old soul. He also told me those were all the human lives I’ve had on Earth. He said I’ve been animals and I’ve been to other worlds and existences. That’s what I have from Human Earth though.
It was quite enlightening. I had to leave meditation though. Mom was yelling at me to come eat before Jerry put the food up. I reluctantly left everyone and came out of meditation. After I ate dinner, I saw that my friend that I mentioned before that we’re calling Cain called. I called him back. We talked for a long while. At one point, when he asked if he could call me back, I looked up Ifrim. I found the name Ephraim. I don’t know. I think it sounds about right. I’m pretty sure Ifrim is Ephraim. I also think he was a Giant Jaguar. If you want to see what I’m talking about, here’s a page I found on it. The Giant Jaguar is number 8: http://listverse.com/2010/12/02/10-huge-prehistoric-cats/
It really does sound about right.
That was my meditation. It was much needed and very interesting for me. I’m glad I got to do it.
That’s it for now. The meditation journals, along with other posts, will be continued here on WordPress.
Nixie's Meditations 