Meditation by William Bouguereau (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Years ago, in 2010 to be more exact, I had the overwhelming feeling that I was going to have a baby “soon” and it pushed me to get a better job. I tried to better my life just in case it was true. It wasn’t. I didn’t have a baby. I’m still not a parent, and that’s a good thing. I live with my Mom and her husband. I can barely take care of myself and my pets because I work a minimum wage job. I have a pile of bills from school and stuff like that. Plus, to top it all off, I haven’t even seriously dated anyone in years. Was I disappointed that it didn’t come true? Yeah, a little, just because that feeling was so powerful. It caused me to make some really serious changes in my life and I really did my best to make myself a better person in a better situation. I didn’t better my situation, it turns out. Like I said, I still live with my mother. I hate that I can’t live independently more than I can ever possibly convey. It is good that I don’t have children yet though. I need to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of another person, let alone a baby.
Which brings me to the topic at hand. For a few days, maybe a week now, I’ve been seeing children in my mind just before I fall asleep. They’re cute. I always get the feeling that they’re mine. It’s just brief glimpses of them right before I fall into the darkness (and later dreams) that come with sleep. I had time today before I have to get ready for work, which I should be doing now. I don’t know what I’m going to do about eating before my long, terrible work day today, but I guess I just have to deal with being hungry. I decided to meditate.
Uriel helped me clear my chakras and he had me feel around inside the energy. I found that that “soon” feeling is still there. It’s not as prominent as it was, but its there. I don’t know what to make of it entirely. It doesn’t feel like it’s going to be this year or next, by any means, but its there. It’s always there and part of me worries about it. Another part of me takes comfort in it. Maybe that part is just happy that I’m not wrong until I reach the age of 35, right? I guess I just don’t know. I’m not trying to have children. I’m trying to make a better life for myself. A better life should include eating before I go to work, but apparently I messed that all up. Maybe I messed this all up too.
I dropped down into my subconscious at Uriel’s prodding, and found myself in that garden setting. It was lovely. I spun around in this huge white and black lace dress a couple times, and then something grabbed me by the hand. I couldn’t see who it was. I thought it was Uriel, but it wasn’t. This person was invisible. I followed this person and each time we passed under a shadow, I saw him. At least, I thought it was a him, but when we stopped under some trees, I saw a woman with graying hair and a bright red satin top. She had on a long skirt. She said she was a goddess of fertility, but didn’t tell me which one. I looked around and saw Angora and Ephraim on the path beyond us. They seemed a little uneasy, but not distressed. She reassured me a bunch of times that children were coming and that things were in progress now. It might take years but things were in progress.
She left as suddenly as she showed up and Uriel walked up. He reassured me too, which was awkward. He also told me I should try the shamanism meditations and that I should look up the drumming music for them. He said that my pack wasn’t complete yet either. Apparently I have another guide or totem to meet beyond Angora and Ephraim. After loving on them, I left.
Now I have to rush to get ready. I thought it was a little strange, so I thought I would share it right away.
Much love,
ulvenNixie
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