3 Years

Late Bloomer (Photo credit: ibm4381)

I’ve been single for three years, officially. As of last Sunday, I have been single for three full years. I guess it’s fitting that I would hear about my ex this week.

He has a crush on my friend’s roommate. I got to hear about that for a half hour or so.

I’ve been a little conflicted about it, but not to any extreme. I’m glad he has feelings for someone. Lord knows he didn’t like me, so I’m happy for him in that respect. I wish he was after someone that wasn’t engaged, but such is life. It’s not like I want him anymore. I’m over him when it comes to wanting him, but I still want him to have the best life possible. He was and always will be my “first love”. I guess I’m a late bloomer, what can I say? He’s a late bloomer too, so I don’t feel too bad.

We once had a moment together that was special, particularly to me. I wanted to know if I could actually love someone. I guess he wanted to date someone. There was a moment when we kissed that just felt like a yes. It was swelling in my heart that made it rise up in my chest. It was a powerful “yes” from the Universe. I wondered for a while what that meant. I wondered even more when he told me that he felt it too. I know its stupid, but I finally figured out (four years after it happened) that it was a yes to both of us for what we wanted. It wasn’t sparks flying or anything stupidly romantic like that. It was the Universe telling me that I would love him and he would date me. We got what we wanted, experienced it, and that’s all it was.

I just thought I’d share my little epiphany. I had it while I was washing my hands in my best friend’s bathroom. She lives in the house where I had my first kiss with my ex. I realized a moment ago that it really has been three years since I’ve actually had a boyfriend. I’ve been on dates, but I haven’t dated. Technically, it’s been more than three years tonight and I’m sitting here wondering if I’ll ever have another relationship again. Maybe it’ll be another three years, five years, ten years before I find someone that even wants to think about me that way. Who knows?

This is the last time I’m mourning this tonight though. I have other things that need more thought. I have sleep I need to get. I have a life that needs pursuing, even if there isn’t anyone out there for me. I don’t know why, but I can be that one that’s always working dead-end job and never has anyone that loves them romantically. That can be me. Why not, right? Seems plausible and that’s the way I am anyway. I’m always behind and I’m frequently forgotten. The truth is right there, staring me in the face, and I have to just live with it.

Good Night Everyone. I’ll try to be more positive later.
ulvenNixie

I am Like a Cemetery

English: Memorial to Major-General Sir William Casement in -Kensal Green Cemetery, London, England. A British General who served in India during the early Victorian era. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t had time to meditate lately. I’ve been very busy and I know I should meditate. I can’t right this moment. I need to write and I know I would just fall asleep if I tried. Instead of writing about a much needed meditation right now, I’m going to make a post that’s all about honesty. This is honesty about myself as well as what I want in a mate. I think I need to write this, and know this, because I’ve been going through some hard times. It might not get any easier than this. I’m hoping some issues will be resolved, but all I can do is hope.

Recently, I’ve been doing quite a bit of self-loathing. I wrote a blog on this site when it was at it’s worst. Thankfully, my depressions have gone quite that far into the mire since. I don’t ever want them to again. The point is that I don’t put a very high value on myself or my life. Some of you may be thinking that that’s not fair to the people that love me. I’ll agree with that to some extent. To be frank, my life is my own. My body belongs to me. This is my life, my body, and my soul. No one can should have the right to dictate what I do with it. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This is me. I am me. I am not someone else and I’m not someone else’s puppet. When I follow direction, it’s because I choose to follow it. I’m intelligent enough to make decisions based on what I think and feel, including what I know of the known ramifications of said actions, so I don’t need someone to control me. Do things go array on occasion? Yes, but that is part of life. Upon hearing all of that, you would think that I would think more of myself, wouldn’t you?

The problem is that I tend to linger on the more negative side of that moral. I don’t know why I do it. I feel like I’m walking a delicate line. Here is the fence, an old, wooden section, riddled with knot holes, with a field of sunshine and flowers on one side, and a field of thistles on the other. To fall one way is to fall into rainbows and sugary delight that doesn’t have that certain sense of reality for me. The other side is never-ending pain. Sometimes I feel like I walk the line well, but each little knot hole in the boards beneath my feet make me teeter this way and that. To give up this challenge of walking the borders is the difference between absolute despair and insanity. That’s right, the sunshine, rainbows, flowers, and sugar-coated thoughts spell insanity for me. I am part of this world, no matter how insignificant, and while I don’t like to involve myself in the nitty-gritty of the world’s most horrific factors, I still don’t want to live in some dream-reality where life is wasted on trying to stay blissfully unaware. It’s a delicate balance, a tight rope walk that I’ve teetered on all my life.

I’ve had the usual questions. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Is this right? Is this wrong? What am I supposed to do with my life? What is it that I need as a person?
These questions were confusing but still had an air of relative ease when I was a kid. Who am I? Lindsey, just Lindsey. Who am I supposed to be? I’m supposed to be a lady someday. In terms of right and wrong, I was still learning. What am I supposed to do with my life? Live it and enjoy it. What is it that I need as a person? Understanding, not only myself but what was around me. I had to do it in my own way. I was a stubborn child.
Now these questions are a bit more difficult. I’ve learned to consider those around me more often. I’ve gone through trials, error, and success to find my way to this point in my life, and I’m still changing. As a human being, I am ever changing and growing through experience, ideal, and discovery. It’s something all humans do. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but the fact of the matter is that there may be a point in our lives where we just don’t want to learn. We don’t want to push ourselves anymore because we’ve lived so long, changed and reshaped ourselves so much that we just want to settle down for a while. As long as we’re experiencing life though, we’re always in a process of change. That being said, some things stay the same or very similar throughout the years. Some of our traits are held as if by stone. It’s this that has muddled the answers to my questions, and made them more complicated. I couldn’t even answer them in full as a child, but now they’re a bit of a mess.
Who am I? I’m Lindsey, yes, but sometimes I go by Nixie. I’m a bibliophile. I’m a lover of art, the horror genre, animals, and peaceful causes. I’m a student of history as well as of the more “paranormal” sides of life. I’m an English major, a writer, and an avid reader. I’m a bell collector. I’m a friend, a co-worker, a family member, an unofficial sister, and an Aquarian. I’m an eccentric individual and I’m also a little bit of a flirt. Who am I supposed to be? I still feel like I should be a lady, some how. When I was younger, I would imagine that I would grow into this more modern-faced Victorian lady. That’s who I felt my grown-up side should be. My image of that lady has changed, ever so slightly. I feel like I should be this lady, one that’s strong and well-mannered. One that doesn’t pollute her body more than society deems necessary. One that is constantly acquiring knowledge as well as passing that knowledge down the line to others that want to know it too. I should be the Victorian lady that somehow lived through social movements that opened her eyes to what is right when it comes to how others are treated and how they fare in the world, but still retained that air of dignity even amid her eccentricity. That’s how I want to see myself, especially in the future. I realize that that’s not a common vision for one’s self. I tend to latch onto what I suspect and fear will happen instead. When I think of myself in the future, I think of an over-weight, lonely woman that lives in something that can only be equated to shack in the middle of the woods with only a bunch of mangy animals to keep her from completely going off the deep end. This is the kind of woman that doesn’t care about herself and she’s sunk so far into depression that she can’t even keep the animals she loves cared for. That’s what I’m scared of becoming and that’s usually what I assume will happen to me, because I fear it so much. Not only that, but with the way my life is right now, it seems plausible. In any case, I’m still learning right from wrong, but I know more than when I was a child. Also, I am learning to trust my gut when it comes to right and wrong as well. The hardest questions are “What am I supposed to do with my life?” and “What do I need as a person?”. How can I possibly answer those? I don’t even know where to start anymore.

Here is the truth about me:
I am like a cemetery. There are people that find me creepy, spooky even. There are people out there that see me as an eye-sore. There are people that hate being near me. There are people out there that don’t want anything to do with me. There are people out there that see the way I am or the way I look as something bad, scary, weird, or even disgusting. They all have their reasons. They see a cemetery as something to be feared because of what it represents to life. It’s a field to bury those that have come to the end, and there is where their body shall decay. I feel like I get a similar response because they look at me and see stereotypes and sometimes what they could be. They might see negative qualities in themselves looking back at them when they look at me, or some of them see someone so conflicting with their norm that they just don’t like the shock. I’ve had to come to terms with this. Not everyone is going to like me, but like not everyone loves a cemetery. It’s about perception, and not everyone is going to enjoy how I am perceived, either from the way I am or from the way they associate me.

On the other side of the coin, I am like a cemetery, because some people do find that they like me. They might like that I’m morbid. They might like the way I look. They might like the way I am. It all depends upon the person. I love cemeteries. They’re a garden for the dead. They’re a garden for those that are buried there to be remembered in some way and they’re a way for us to remember. For me, they’re a symbol of beauty, hope, love, balance, and the cycle of life. There are morbid aspects to it, and I love those as well. I like the way cemeteries feel, the way they smell, they way the look as long as they have standing headstones and not those flat stone planks that are so easily missed. It’s peaceful, and though it bares the mark of many deaths, it’s usually quite alive with energy. I compare myself to this kind of place that I love so much because I feel like it’s deeply connected with my sense of being. I am loved by some and I repulse others. I love peace and morbidity. I struggle with this, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

I should be more kind to myself. I feel like I’m being vain when I show myself a little kindness though. I need to work on that. I need to be better to myself because maybe, some day, I could be that lady. Maybe some day, I could be a novelist and take care of those I love. Maybe I can pass on knowledge, even as I grow. Maybe, some day, I can be proud of who I am. Maybe I can accept myself as much as I want to be accepted by others. Who knows?

Just some food for thought,
ulvenNixie

Calmer Days

I briefly talked about my suicidal feelings on a different site and caught a lot of slack for it. I’m glad I vented my problems out here because at least I don’t get as much traffic here. In any case, when I got offline yesterday, I ate dinner, watched tv with my Mom, played with dogs and the rabbit, and I worked on my novel. I also looked into taking a martial art. The suicide helpline sites suggest staying active in a group-like setting. Most of my activities are very solitary. I’ve been interested in martial arts since I was a kid, so I’m going to keep looking into that and see if I can start doing that. I would love to do Tai Chi, but it’s hard to find a place that teaches that somewhere around here.

In any case, I’m not going to do anything stupid. If you’re worried, please don’t be. I’m working it out. I just had a very, very extreme low yesterday. Notice that I wrote it out and didn’t try anything. Writing helps me. It wasn’t a ploy for attention. Writing it in blog form makes me feel like I’m talking to someone as opposed to writing in a journal where I’m just talking to myself. I can’t even pretend with a journal. Once I got the feelings out, I was more motivated to find my own kind of help. Writing is a blessing.

I just wanted to wave that around, in case someone reads my blog. I’m not going to do anything stupid. I was just extremely depressed and needing an outlet.

I’ll meditate more later. I have to work for the next two days so it will probably be a few days from now, but I’m going to. Don’t worry. You’ll see a new post from me soon.

Suicidal

Kill Trend Suicide (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s times like this that I’m glad I don’t have a gun. I think that if I did, I’d shoot myself. I’m too scared to do it another way.

What is there to live for? I don’t have anything. I live with my mom and her husband. I can’t escape. I can’t live on my own because I can’t afford it. I barely make all my bills now, and I barely have any. Jerry is the loudest goddamn person on this planet, so I have to wear earplugs to get any peace. I can’t work on anything when he’s around because he can’t close his damn mouth. He’s always doing that stupid cough. He’s almost sneezing without covering his mouth. He doesn’t talk to me but he complains about me to my mother. I call him every name in the book because he’s a fat lazy slob that doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I don’t feel like he cares about Mom. I know he wishes I was gone. I bet he wishes I didn’t even exist. I don’t blame him for that. I’m awful to him. I just get so frustrated because my ears always hurt from wearing the earplugs. I feel like I can’t get anything done because he’s only gone from the house from early morning to 4 or 5 in the afternoon. My mom is always here, but when she does go to work by some miracle, I’m only alone for a couple hours. That’s just 2-3 hours to work on my novels and try to do housework so that I can clean without an audience. Honestly, I don’t get much cleaning done. I hate cleaning when everyone else is just sitting around doing nothing. I hate that he’s always around, being loud. I hate it when I have days off that coincide with his days off because that means I have to wear the earplugs all day. I hate that he’s the only person that buys food in this house. He gets mad at mom for spending money. He gets mad at mom when he suspects that she’s spent money. He hates me. I wish mom didn’t make him pick me up from work. We don’t want to be around each other. He should stay out of my life. I would happily stay out of his. I know I’m not wanted. I’d be just fine with him if I had some peace and quiet. I just want some time to do what I need to do! I stay up late so I can try to get stuff done while he’s asleep. I can’t leave my room though, because he snores loud enough that I can hear him in my bathroom. Never mind trying to get anything done in the living room. Forget ever having time to be in some other room that isn’t my own fucking room! I can’t get anything done! I partially blame him because what I need to get done takes concentration and all he ever does is play on the computer and COUGH! What the hell?! I pay for the goddamn internet. I should buy one of those stupid internet devices that plugs into your computer so that I can turn the internet off in the house. That would show him.  I hate living with him. I hate living around him.

I hate being so dependent on my mom. I need her to smash bugs. I need her to get to work. I need her so I can survive because I can’t afford to move out. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have anything. I barely have anything that belongs to me. I have to deal with her constant smoking and drinking. It makes me sick. I think the smoking is literally making me sick. When I’m around her too much when she’s smoking, I end up with a sore throat and swollen tonsils. She’s always so depressed. She treats me like I’m a little kid because I live like a little kid.

I hate myself most of all. I don’t do anything that I’m supposed to. I should know how to drive by now. I should have moved out by now. In less than six months, I’m going to be 24. I’m going to be 24 years old and living with my mother. I’m a failure. I’ve failed at life. No one outside of my family loves me and I don’t blame them. I’m an awful person. I’m worthless. I haven’t been writing. I’m not in school because I can’t get the financial aid needed. I’ve been applying for things. I can’t get the information I need from the school to successfully apply for grants. I can’t get reference letters because I don’t talk to my teachers. I work hard. I go to work as often as possible. I work hard while I’m there. I do my best with my writing, but its never good enough. I can never work on it enough or long enough. I can’t get a job that pays more than minimum wage. I’m so deep in debt with school that I feel like I’m drowning. I’m worthless. I’m just so worthless. I’m undeserving of love or anything. I have nothing and no one to live for. I wish I could just kill myself.

I don’t know what’s waiting on the other side. I don’t know if I’ll go to Hell if I kill myself. I can only imagine that Hell would be filled with country music, that’d be my own person Hell. It makes me want to kill myself anyway, and I’d already be dead. I bet it’s an old western town, devoid of a friendly face, the stench of cow feces on the air, and unending country music playing no matter where I go. I bet that’s Hell for me. If I kill myself, I bet that’s where I’d go. I’d deserve it too. I feel like I deserve it now. I’ve failed at life. I’m only 23 years old and I’ve failed so miserably. I’m so beyond worthless that I really should kill myself. I just don’t have the means, beyond things that I’m too scared to do. I’m not dramatic enough or brave enough to cut my wrists. I don’t know how to tie a proper noose, and I don’t think I can find a place in my room to hang it. Everything is pretty flimsy in here. I wouldn’t steal pills from my mother, she needs those, and she’s the only one in the house that might have pills you can actually overdose on. Jerry has a gun somewhere around here, but I honestly don’t know how to use it. I think he’d notice if I went looking for it. Not that I think he’d care if I killed myself, I bet deep down he’d be happy about it, but I doubt he wants me to do it with his gun. It’s a shotgun anyway, that’s pretty tricky to figure out how to use on yourself, unless you’re aiming for your foot or you have really long arms. I don’t have long arms. I don’t know how else to do it. I’m a writer. I should be more creative, but I just don’t know how else I can feasibly do it.

I guess I’m not committing suicide, but man, I’m thinking about it. I don’t deserve to live. Nothing worthwhile is going to come from my life. I’m a failure. I won’t be anything but a failure. I can’t even get my degree because I’m so awful at everything. I want to die right now. This isn’t a cry for help because no one really reads my blog. This is just me venting. If I had my own gun, it’d be a suicide letter. I don’t own a gun though. I can’t walk anywhere at this time of night that sells guns. This isn’t a suicide letter. This is me saying that I wish it was.

Suicide is a terrible thing. It’s selfish. It’s grotesque for the soul. I look down on those that commit suicide. In the past, I haven’t felt much sympathy for them. They’re leaving behind people that love them. They’re giving up on potential. There are so many other ways to improve your life, suicide shouldn’t be an answer. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. I know all that. I feel all that. Right now, in this moment though, I’d still do it. I’m selfish. I’m awful. I’m worthless. My life is a mess and I don’t have a clue about how to fix it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have the kind of help I need. I don’t have anything worth living for anymore. Suicide is a shit answer, and I’m still thinking about it.

I hate myself more than ever, and this is the first time that I’ve been so far gone that I would actually do it. I know myself. If I had my own gun, I’d actually do it.

I’ll figure something out I guess.

Have a good one,
Nixie

Sudden Names

English: Winton: a window of Victoria Park Methodist Church Looking into 710417 during the first minute of Christmas Day, with the Midnight Mass service in progress. A small Christmas tree graces the window sill. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I sat down
To do some work
A list struck me to the core
Names, you see
They mean so much to me
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

As I gazed upon them
I wrote my own
A list of names so dear
Yet some stuck out
As wrong, you see
I was left unclear
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

What then were the name I sought
I glanced about until
I heard the gentle patter
Of rain at my window sill
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

I went outside
Removed my socks
I was called out onto the grass
I asked for a simple sign
What names should I choose at last?
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

My names are perfect as they are
But there stands a subtle flaw
I won’t know them until the time comes
And all I hear is
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

So there I stand
Thinking on
Sterling
Kieran
Aksel
And then I feel a point in the right direction
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

I won’t know
Until the day
But I should change them
If I feel that they
Don’t live up to the task
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

So inside I went
Soaking wet
And found that Sterling fits
But here and now
Two names are gone
Replaced with a more ancient fit
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

Will they change?
They just might
But for now they’re set in stone
I love them dear
Just as I love my own
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

This One’s Personal

Gatorade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is going to be a very short relay of a meditation because it was incredibly personal. It wasn’t the kind of thing you air out on a blog. I had to come home early today because I’ve been dehydrated and it made it so that my body wasn’t working properly. I drank a bunch of Gatorade and the problem eventually fixed itself. I didn’t want to leave work, but I guess it’s good that I didn’t work out my body problems on the clock. That’s not productive for anyone. Today was not a productive day, despite the fact that I wanted it to be.

I ended up meditating because I wanted to ask about something I divined years ago. It came up while I was thinking about writing a new story, a ghost story. I ended up falling asleep the first time I tried to meditate. I’ve been yawning all day, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise. The second time I tried, I got clear my chakras, talk to Uriel, cuddle with Isobel and Olaf. I saw Åsa too and got to thank Graves for protecting me. Uriel told me some surprising news, but told me not to write it down.

We also talked about work. We talked about people I enjoy talking to up there. He said that some of them were good to be around.

I don’t know what to think right now. I need to do something.

Excuse the short post, please,
ulvenNixie

Dream or Something More?

I had a weird dream last night that left me with a weird feeling. I dreamt that I was with Kysmet and Austin. We were talking about family stuff, mostly about them starting a family. We were just sitting in a park on benches and talking. After that I was on a boat with other ladies. We had to stand on pillars and hold ropes to keep captives in. I kept making jokes with my captive until my braid came undone. Then I got off the pillar and we were in a store. I put my hair in a bun, even though some lady told me there was someone there that could do my hair. I politely told her no because I wanted to work. I found a dress on the floor for a little girl. What I noticed about it was that it was silky and green. I decided that I would buy one of the dress that I would have to pick up off the floor in case I ever had a baby. I picked the one up off the floor and noticed that it had a orange skirt with green polka-dots. It was kind of ugly. I kept picking up dresses in this baby department, but most of them were princess themed. I put them all back. Suddenly I realized I left my phone at my other job in the Library, which was part of this mall for some reason. I told my manager I was going to get it, and ran out with the dress. I was coming back with it, so it was no big deal. As I walked to the library, I noticed that the dress had the Teen Titans on it. I liked that show once. I decided to buy it because it at least had something cool on it. I looked at the tag and found $21 attached to the tag. The price was $22, so that kind of settled it. I was going to buy it. It was my lucky day. I got into the library and the ladies I worked with there were giving me a funny look. I ignored them and looked through the books to find my phone. I eventually found it on a table, and as I picked it up, the librarians swooped in and turned it into a dining table. People, mostly guys and families, flooded in, and the librarian told me that she knew I was alone, but there were lots of eligible Nordic guys out there for me to be into. I was a little freaked out by that, but I sat and had dinner with them. One guy kept talking to me, but I wasn’t really interested. He was quite burly. I coyly looked to the end of the table, and found a family there. One guy’s mom started talking to me, telling me how nice it would be if her son and I could go on a date. The lady at the end of the table confided in me that there was something wrong with her boy. I looked at him, and there certainly was. I knew he wasn’t actually a boy, or her son. I answered a text message and excused myself outside. When I went out, I found someone that told me that it was okay to reveal this guy at the dining table. I went back in, leaned over my chair and told that mom that she was right, her son wasn’t who she thought he was, he was a Dagon. This guy started to shift, sharp teeth started to push through his face and out of his mouth. That’s when I woke up. I found that my skin was peeling on both of my arms and I had three deep indention marks on my chest.

It was really weird. I’m sure if I interpret it, it’s just going to say I’m lonely or something, but I feel like there’s something more to it.

I have to leave for work very soon. I looked up what the baby clothes mean and dreemmoods.com said, “To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown”. I couldn’t find a Dagon on dreemmoods.com, but I found Demons, which means: “To see demons in your dream indicates that you may be experiencing or inflicting fear, emotional distress or physical abuse in your waking life. Demons are also symbolic of ignorance, negative habits, and of your shadow self. Perhaps you are being overindulgent and letting some negativity give way to your better judgment”.

I guess that all makes sense. I would find my former ways of thinking ugly. I keep going back to childish affections though. Clearly its something I need to step away from. I need to find healthy relationships and stop going after guys that are bad for me. I also need to stop putting myself down about guys, or what they might think of me.

I have to go. Sorry about any spelling mistakes. This was quite rushed.

Lots of love and junk,
ulvenNixie

The Pack and The Bear

I was drawn here while at Custer State Park.

 

I finally had a moment to meditate. It took me long enough, right? I had to work a bit when I got back plus my best friend had a birthday. I adore her. The past two times that I’ve met up with her and Austin, there seems to be signs that we’re doing the right thing. At the movies, I saw the names Vivienne, Bellamy, Tobias, and Alastair in the credits. They’re names we’ve talked a lot about. On her birthday, I saw her initials and I know I saw some other names on signs along the road. I just don’t remember what names they were. When we were driving, I spent a moment feeling out the energy, especially between Kysmet and Austin. When I probed deeper into the energy, there was a definite connection, the cord seemed to be solid gold. I also saw a polka-dot blue bow between them, and I think I saw a second bow as well. I’m not entirely sure about the second one. It kind of looked like the blue polka-dot bow divided into a blue bow and a pink one, but I’m really not sure.

Any case, that was a few days ago. I don’t know why I didn’t write it down. I would have remembered those names. I just got done meditating though. It was a big meditation, so here’s what happened with that:

I laid down about three hours ago to do this meditation. I fell asleep at first. I guess I needed more rest. I had a weird dream about running around a hotel. I was trying to watch a Stephen King movie, but I wanted to do it in different unoccupied rooms. I went in one that was occupied and ran away even though I never saw the person staying there. I just saw that they had a blue shirt set out on the bed. I think this person was in the shower.

Anyway, when I got myself out of sleep, I took me a long time to clear my chakras. I had to pray for protection, but then I realized that I was hindering myself by being too cautious. I had to ask for help and ask to be protected and guided towards being the person that I need to be, not influenced by negativity and evil around me. With that, I cleared my chakras with Uriel’s help.

When I finally dropped back into my subconscious, I was in that garden part of my psyche. I cuddled Angora and Ephraim. I talked to Uriel a little bit. I couldn’t see very well. I tried going to a different level of meditation, but it was just dark there. I didn’t like the idea of us all floating around in space when I was meditating to try to obtain a protector. That was the goal, after all. We went back to the garden and I walked the trail with Uriel, Angora, and Ephraim behind me. When we came to a door, we went through, and found ourselves in a swamp like environment with dark purple and red flowers. Either I was sinking or the ground was rising as we walked, and I felt like the mud was going to go over my head by the time we went through the next door. The last door we went through was a wooded path. It had tall, lean trees and leaves overhead.

I tried to talk to Uriel about this as we walked, but I came across a horrific sight. It looked the skin of a girl in a school girl’s outfit. She had some black hair around her head and a red bow on top. It was just her skin. She didn’t have eyes or anything. I think she had fingernails on her fingers though. She was very flat in appearance, if you can imagine. I attacked her, got rid of her. I remember saying something about her not being me or part of me. When she was gone, we found our way to the cast-off room.

I went in and looked around. The wisteria was still there, but I noticed that one of the rocks on the shelves on the pillars was missing. I inquired about where it was and four of the other shelves disappeared, until there was only two. One had a rock of obsidian and the other a rock of amazonite. I asked who they were for, and the rocks ended up on one shelf. Two pillars faded out and the shelves reappeared. There was a hunk of onyx on the neighboring self and some light colored rocks on the two remaining shelves. The other shelf next to the onyx had two rocks on it too.

I walked further into the room and saw my Grandfather. My vision blurred and what I saw instead was something that looked like a creepy, distorted image of my Grandpa. It reassured me about my future and just stood there, smiling and being creepy. It had solid blue eyes and I could see its yellowed teeth through its cheek. It’s skin was completely gray. I stared at it, trying not to flinch at its appearance. When it went away, I saw my Grandpa a little further away. He looked like himself. He told me that that thing was right. I would have a big family and that I’m loved. He basically said everything was going to be okay. I accepted this and looked to my Higher Spirit.

She told me that I was going to go see Cernunnos. I was pretty happy about that. We talked for a moment, but I don’t remember the conversation exactly. I do remember that we talked about one of my managers briefly. He just popped up in my mind at random. I told her that I wished we could meet up or be more friendly outside of work, and she said something like “so it shall be”. I heard that whispered several times throughout the room. I was a little confused but it didn’t freak me out. I would love to talk to this particular manager outside of work because he would be an awesome person to hang out with. He certainly makes my day better when we’re at work, why would it be different outside of work? She then directed me to the door. I opened it up and started to go through. I asked who would be coming with me, and I was told Angora and Ephraim would go, but Uriel could not. I ran back in and hugged him good-bye. He told me he would be waiting for me. With that, I went through the door.

I immediately found the path that I took when I journeyed to meet Angora. When I started down it, I heard “No, over here”. I turned and found a path up a hill. I went to it and found red flowers all around. The trees appeared a bit dry at first, but as I climbed, they were more and more bear, sans the red flowers. At the very top of the path was Cernunnos. He was sitting at the base of his tree, his legs crossed and his hands on his knees. I went into the clearing and he got up. He came to me. His legs below the knee were elk legs. He came to me and grasped my shoulders. When he touched me, the forest around us flooded with life. The trees bloomed, some of them turned out to be aspens. There was green grass and everything.

He was happy to see that Ephraim found me. He had me walk with him to the tree and sit at its roots. He held both of my hands in both of his and told me that my fox spirit animal has to do with my life, the way I live. My bat is defensive. I also have a wolf spirit animal that has more to do with the way I love and interact with people. He also told me that he likes that I want to use the name Kieran someday, in the same context that I want to use Brigid. He said Kieran would be very peaceful, and Saga Brigid would be more fiery. He made comments about more names, all of them positive. I do want to mention that when I asked about Corvus, he corrected me and called him Augustin. He’s the first spiritual being to do that so far (that I can recall). He said I would love him more than I know or expect.

We also talked about my trip to South Dakota. He said that I met a man in the woods that loved me. He protects the forest and anyone that listened to him. He told me his name was either Running Bull or Running White Bull. He leaned more towards Running Bull. The name reminded me of that big white-ish gray bull that forest spirit showed me on my walk.

We moved on from that because that wasn’t why I was there. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a protector and that I had a feeling there was more to the pack that I needed to meet. He said there was. Angora is my spirit guide for companionship. Ephraim is my past. As Cernunnos and I talked, another wolf came out from behind the tree. It was a gray and white wolf, and Cernunnos said his name was Olaf. He was my spirit guide for love. Another wolf came out, this one was brown and black, and Cernunnos said her name was Isobel. She’s my spirit guide for family, and her name has a special meaning. According to behindthename.com, Isobel is a form of Isabel, which in turn is a form of Elizabeth, which means “my God is abundance”. Isobel means “God’s Promise” on thinkbabynames.com. I was allowed to love on them but then it was time to meet my protector.

I returned my hands to his and struggled to see my protector. I thought it was going to be a bear, something big and bulky. In a whirlwind of fighting to see what was there, I saw a name Åsa. After that, I saw a gray, white, and black wolf come out from behind the tree. I expressed worry that Åsa wasn’t big enough to protect me from the gray thing that lives in my house. That’s when I noticed a huge bear come out from around the tree. Cernunnos told me his name was Graves and that he’s a Kodiak bear. I loved on Åsa and hugged Graves. I was told that I could call on Åsa. He’s very much in tune with my need to explore but he’ll still keep me safe. I could call on Graves too, but he’s more of a brute. I call on him when I want things gone. I kept seeing the image of Bronn from “Game of Thrones” pop up in my mind when I was with Graves. I don’t think he’s a spirit guide in the way Åsa is a guide. Graves is there to protect and nothing more, basically.

I told Cernunnos that I was scared that I was going to forget or neglect one of the guides because there was so many. He directed me to put my hands on the tree and vow that I shared a connection with all of them. I did exactly that. I put my hands on the tree and said that my soul had a connection with Angora, Ephraim, Olaf, Isobel, Åsa, and Graves no matter what.

Before it was time for me to go, Cernunnos said that if I get married and I really want to depict my spirit animal for love, I knew it was a wolf now because of Olaf. He also told me that I needed to get out of Texas. He said I would see the way soon, but in the mean time I need to save as much money as I can and get back to my school work. I need to love and live while I’m down here, knowing that I’m going to get out soon. He also told me that it was good that I was making a lot of spiritual animal connections. He said that I need to be connected with nature. It’s one of the reasons I need to go somewhere that makes me feel more like myself, somewhere with trees.

He sent me down the path with my pack of animals. Ephraim, Angora, Olaf, Isobel, and Åsa stayed close. Graves chose to stay further away. When we tried to go back into the Cast-Off room, Graves wouldn’t fit. He just went immediately to the outside world. I can actually feel him around. It’s nice. I have yet to feel that with the wolves and Ephraim because they don’t really linger around my physical form much. When I went into the Cast-Off room, I saw Uriel. He told me he’d talk to Graves later and he seemed really happy to see all the new wolves.

I wanted to hang out with the spirit guides some more. I wanted to get to know them, but Uriel told me to get out of meditation and write all this down. It’s a good thing I did. I know I forgot some stuff in there. I’m glad I didn’t forget it all.

As a log of my guides, as of today, I have:
Angora: a gray, brown, and white wolf
Ephraim: a huge jaguar with green eyes
Olaf: a white and gray wolf
Isobel: a brown and black wolf with yellow eyes
Åsa: a gray, black and white wolf
Graves: a dark furred Kodiak bear

I guess I’m pretty safe too. I will try to be more confident. Spiritually, I should be more confident because I have Åsa, Graves, Uriel, and Adam at my back, and a slew of spirit guides and spirits around me that care about me. Look out baddies, this chick isn’t alone anymore.

Well, I need a shower and to find some dinner. I really want some stir-fry. It’s too bad it’s too late to talk my mom into taking me to the store.

Ha en god natt!
ulvenNixie

 

 

References:
http://www.behindthename.com/name/elizabeth
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Isobel

 

ALSO:
I found a Native American named Running Bull when I typed it into Google. No, I don’t actually know if it was him that I talked to in Custer, but it’s interesting to know there was an actual Native American in South Dakota at one point with that name. Here’s the site I found him on: http://runningbullchief.blogspot.com/2011/06/running-bull-sioux.html