A Sign (Note)

MarsTransition (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I asked for a sign today. I’ll tell you what happens and why I did that when I get home. This is just a quick note.

Much Love,
ulvenNixie

I am Like a Cemetery

English: Memorial to Major-General Sir William Casement in -Kensal Green Cemetery, London, England. A British General who served in India during the early Victorian era. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t had time to meditate lately. I’ve been very busy and I know I should meditate. I can’t right this moment. I need to write and I know I would just fall asleep if I tried. Instead of writing about a much needed meditation right now, I’m going to make a post that’s all about honesty. This is honesty about myself as well as what I want in a mate. I think I need to write this, and know this, because I’ve been going through some hard times. It might not get any easier than this. I’m hoping some issues will be resolved, but all I can do is hope.

Recently, I’ve been doing quite a bit of self-loathing. I wrote a blog on this site when it was at it’s worst. Thankfully, my depressions have gone quite that far into the mire since. I don’t ever want them to again. The point is that I don’t put a very high value on myself or my life. Some of you may be thinking that that’s not fair to the people that love me. I’ll agree with that to some extent. To be frank, my life is my own. My body belongs to me. This is my life, my body, and my soul. No one can should have the right to dictate what I do with it. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This is me. I am me. I am not someone else and I’m not someone else’s puppet. When I follow direction, it’s because I choose to follow it. I’m intelligent enough to make decisions based on what I think and feel, including what I know of the known ramifications of said actions, so I don’t need someone to control me. Do things go array on occasion? Yes, but that is part of life. Upon hearing all of that, you would think that I would think more of myself, wouldn’t you?

The problem is that I tend to linger on the more negative side of that moral. I don’t know why I do it. I feel like I’m walking a delicate line. Here is the fence, an old, wooden section, riddled with knot holes, with a field of sunshine and flowers on one side, and a field of thistles on the other. To fall one way is to fall into rainbows and sugary delight that doesn’t have that certain sense of reality for me. The other side is never-ending pain. Sometimes I feel like I walk the line well, but each little knot hole in the boards beneath my feet make me teeter this way and that. To give up this challenge of walking the borders is the difference between absolute despair and insanity. That’s right, the sunshine, rainbows, flowers, and sugar-coated thoughts spell insanity for me. I am part of this world, no matter how insignificant, and while I don’t like to involve myself in the nitty-gritty of the world’s most horrific factors, I still don’t want to live in some dream-reality where life is wasted on trying to stay blissfully unaware. It’s a delicate balance, a tight rope walk that I’ve teetered on all my life.

I’ve had the usual questions. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Is this right? Is this wrong? What am I supposed to do with my life? What is it that I need as a person?
These questions were confusing but still had an air of relative ease when I was a kid. Who am I? Lindsey, just Lindsey. Who am I supposed to be? I’m supposed to be a lady someday. In terms of right and wrong, I was still learning. What am I supposed to do with my life? Live it and enjoy it. What is it that I need as a person? Understanding, not only myself but what was around me. I had to do it in my own way. I was a stubborn child.
Now these questions are a bit more difficult. I’ve learned to consider those around me more often. I’ve gone through trials, error, and success to find my way to this point in my life, and I’m still changing. As a human being, I am ever changing and growing through experience, ideal, and discovery. It’s something all humans do. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but the fact of the matter is that there may be a point in our lives where we just don’t want to learn. We don’t want to push ourselves anymore because we’ve lived so long, changed and reshaped ourselves so much that we just want to settle down for a while. As long as we’re experiencing life though, we’re always in a process of change. That being said, some things stay the same or very similar throughout the years. Some of our traits are held as if by stone. It’s this that has muddled the answers to my questions, and made them more complicated. I couldn’t even answer them in full as a child, but now they’re a bit of a mess.
Who am I? I’m Lindsey, yes, but sometimes I go by Nixie. I’m a bibliophile. I’m a lover of art, the horror genre, animals, and peaceful causes. I’m a student of history as well as of the more “paranormal” sides of life. I’m an English major, a writer, and an avid reader. I’m a bell collector. I’m a friend, a co-worker, a family member, an unofficial sister, and an Aquarian. I’m an eccentric individual and I’m also a little bit of a flirt. Who am I supposed to be? I still feel like I should be a lady, some how. When I was younger, I would imagine that I would grow into this more modern-faced Victorian lady. That’s who I felt my grown-up side should be. My image of that lady has changed, ever so slightly. I feel like I should be this lady, one that’s strong and well-mannered. One that doesn’t pollute her body more than society deems necessary. One that is constantly acquiring knowledge as well as passing that knowledge down the line to others that want to know it too. I should be the Victorian lady that somehow lived through social movements that opened her eyes to what is right when it comes to how others are treated and how they fare in the world, but still retained that air of dignity even amid her eccentricity. That’s how I want to see myself, especially in the future. I realize that that’s not a common vision for one’s self. I tend to latch onto what I suspect and fear will happen instead. When I think of myself in the future, I think of an over-weight, lonely woman that lives in something that can only be equated to shack in the middle of the woods with only a bunch of mangy animals to keep her from completely going off the deep end. This is the kind of woman that doesn’t care about herself and she’s sunk so far into depression that she can’t even keep the animals she loves cared for. That’s what I’m scared of becoming and that’s usually what I assume will happen to me, because I fear it so much. Not only that, but with the way my life is right now, it seems plausible. In any case, I’m still learning right from wrong, but I know more than when I was a child. Also, I am learning to trust my gut when it comes to right and wrong as well. The hardest questions are “What am I supposed to do with my life?” and “What do I need as a person?”. How can I possibly answer those? I don’t even know where to start anymore.

Here is the truth about me:
I am like a cemetery. There are people that find me creepy, spooky even. There are people out there that see me as an eye-sore. There are people that hate being near me. There are people out there that don’t want anything to do with me. There are people out there that see the way I am or the way I look as something bad, scary, weird, or even disgusting. They all have their reasons. They see a cemetery as something to be feared because of what it represents to life. It’s a field to bury those that have come to the end, and there is where their body shall decay. I feel like I get a similar response because they look at me and see stereotypes and sometimes what they could be. They might see negative qualities in themselves looking back at them when they look at me, or some of them see someone so conflicting with their norm that they just don’t like the shock. I’ve had to come to terms with this. Not everyone is going to like me, but like not everyone loves a cemetery. It’s about perception, and not everyone is going to enjoy how I am perceived, either from the way I am or from the way they associate me.

On the other side of the coin, I am like a cemetery, because some people do find that they like me. They might like that I’m morbid. They might like the way I look. They might like the way I am. It all depends upon the person. I love cemeteries. They’re a garden for the dead. They’re a garden for those that are buried there to be remembered in some way and they’re a way for us to remember. For me, they’re a symbol of beauty, hope, love, balance, and the cycle of life. There are morbid aspects to it, and I love those as well. I like the way cemeteries feel, the way they smell, they way the look as long as they have standing headstones and not those flat stone planks that are so easily missed. It’s peaceful, and though it bares the mark of many deaths, it’s usually quite alive with energy. I compare myself to this kind of place that I love so much because I feel like it’s deeply connected with my sense of being. I am loved by some and I repulse others. I love peace and morbidity. I struggle with this, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

I should be more kind to myself. I feel like I’m being vain when I show myself a little kindness though. I need to work on that. I need to be better to myself because maybe, some day, I could be that lady. Maybe some day, I could be a novelist and take care of those I love. Maybe I can pass on knowledge, even as I grow. Maybe, some day, I can be proud of who I am. Maybe I can accept myself as much as I want to be accepted by others. Who knows?

Just some food for thought,
ulvenNixie

Suicidal

Kill Trend Suicide (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s times like this that I’m glad I don’t have a gun. I think that if I did, I’d shoot myself. I’m too scared to do it another way.

What is there to live for? I don’t have anything. I live with my mom and her husband. I can’t escape. I can’t live on my own because I can’t afford it. I barely make all my bills now, and I barely have any. Jerry is the loudest goddamn person on this planet, so I have to wear earplugs to get any peace. I can’t work on anything when he’s around because he can’t close his damn mouth. He’s always doing that stupid cough. He’s almost sneezing without covering his mouth. He doesn’t talk to me but he complains about me to my mother. I call him every name in the book because he’s a fat lazy slob that doesn’t care about anyone but himself. I don’t feel like he cares about Mom. I know he wishes I was gone. I bet he wishes I didn’t even exist. I don’t blame him for that. I’m awful to him. I just get so frustrated because my ears always hurt from wearing the earplugs. I feel like I can’t get anything done because he’s only gone from the house from early morning to 4 or 5 in the afternoon. My mom is always here, but when she does go to work by some miracle, I’m only alone for a couple hours. That’s just 2-3 hours to work on my novels and try to do housework so that I can clean without an audience. Honestly, I don’t get much cleaning done. I hate cleaning when everyone else is just sitting around doing nothing. I hate that he’s always around, being loud. I hate it when I have days off that coincide with his days off because that means I have to wear the earplugs all day. I hate that he’s the only person that buys food in this house. He gets mad at mom for spending money. He gets mad at mom when he suspects that she’s spent money. He hates me. I wish mom didn’t make him pick me up from work. We don’t want to be around each other. He should stay out of my life. I would happily stay out of his. I know I’m not wanted. I’d be just fine with him if I had some peace and quiet. I just want some time to do what I need to do! I stay up late so I can try to get stuff done while he’s asleep. I can’t leave my room though, because he snores loud enough that I can hear him in my bathroom. Never mind trying to get anything done in the living room. Forget ever having time to be in some other room that isn’t my own fucking room! I can’t get anything done! I partially blame him because what I need to get done takes concentration and all he ever does is play on the computer and COUGH! What the hell?! I pay for the goddamn internet. I should buy one of those stupid internet devices that plugs into your computer so that I can turn the internet off in the house. That would show him.  I hate living with him. I hate living around him.

I hate being so dependent on my mom. I need her to smash bugs. I need her to get to work. I need her so I can survive because I can’t afford to move out. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t have my own place. I don’t have anything. I barely have anything that belongs to me. I have to deal with her constant smoking and drinking. It makes me sick. I think the smoking is literally making me sick. When I’m around her too much when she’s smoking, I end up with a sore throat and swollen tonsils. She’s always so depressed. She treats me like I’m a little kid because I live like a little kid.

I hate myself most of all. I don’t do anything that I’m supposed to. I should know how to drive by now. I should have moved out by now. In less than six months, I’m going to be 24. I’m going to be 24 years old and living with my mother. I’m a failure. I’ve failed at life. No one outside of my family loves me and I don’t blame them. I’m an awful person. I’m worthless. I haven’t been writing. I’m not in school because I can’t get the financial aid needed. I’ve been applying for things. I can’t get the information I need from the school to successfully apply for grants. I can’t get reference letters because I don’t talk to my teachers. I work hard. I go to work as often as possible. I work hard while I’m there. I do my best with my writing, but its never good enough. I can never work on it enough or long enough. I can’t get a job that pays more than minimum wage. I’m so deep in debt with school that I feel like I’m drowning. I’m worthless. I’m just so worthless. I’m undeserving of love or anything. I have nothing and no one to live for. I wish I could just kill myself.

I don’t know what’s waiting on the other side. I don’t know if I’ll go to Hell if I kill myself. I can only imagine that Hell would be filled with country music, that’d be my own person Hell. It makes me want to kill myself anyway, and I’d already be dead. I bet it’s an old western town, devoid of a friendly face, the stench of cow feces on the air, and unending country music playing no matter where I go. I bet that’s Hell for me. If I kill myself, I bet that’s where I’d go. I’d deserve it too. I feel like I deserve it now. I’ve failed at life. I’m only 23 years old and I’ve failed so miserably. I’m so beyond worthless that I really should kill myself. I just don’t have the means, beyond things that I’m too scared to do. I’m not dramatic enough or brave enough to cut my wrists. I don’t know how to tie a proper noose, and I don’t think I can find a place in my room to hang it. Everything is pretty flimsy in here. I wouldn’t steal pills from my mother, she needs those, and she’s the only one in the house that might have pills you can actually overdose on. Jerry has a gun somewhere around here, but I honestly don’t know how to use it. I think he’d notice if I went looking for it. Not that I think he’d care if I killed myself, I bet deep down he’d be happy about it, but I doubt he wants me to do it with his gun. It’s a shotgun anyway, that’s pretty tricky to figure out how to use on yourself, unless you’re aiming for your foot or you have really long arms. I don’t have long arms. I don’t know how else to do it. I’m a writer. I should be more creative, but I just don’t know how else I can feasibly do it.

I guess I’m not committing suicide, but man, I’m thinking about it. I don’t deserve to live. Nothing worthwhile is going to come from my life. I’m a failure. I won’t be anything but a failure. I can’t even get my degree because I’m so awful at everything. I want to die right now. This isn’t a cry for help because no one really reads my blog. This is just me venting. If I had my own gun, it’d be a suicide letter. I don’t own a gun though. I can’t walk anywhere at this time of night that sells guns. This isn’t a suicide letter. This is me saying that I wish it was.

Suicide is a terrible thing. It’s selfish. It’s grotesque for the soul. I look down on those that commit suicide. In the past, I haven’t felt much sympathy for them. They’re leaving behind people that love them. They’re giving up on potential. There are so many other ways to improve your life, suicide shouldn’t be an answer. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. I know all that. I feel all that. Right now, in this moment though, I’d still do it. I’m selfish. I’m awful. I’m worthless. My life is a mess and I don’t have a clue about how to fix it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have the kind of help I need. I don’t have anything worth living for anymore. Suicide is a shit answer, and I’m still thinking about it.

I hate myself more than ever, and this is the first time that I’ve been so far gone that I would actually do it. I know myself. If I had my own gun, I’d actually do it.

I’ll figure something out I guess.

Have a good one,
Nixie

Sudden Names

English: Winton: a window of Victoria Park Methodist Church Looking into 710417 during the first minute of Christmas Day, with the Midnight Mass service in progress. A small Christmas tree graces the window sill. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I sat down
To do some work
A list struck me to the core
Names, you see
They mean so much to me
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

As I gazed upon them
I wrote my own
A list of names so dear
Yet some stuck out
As wrong, you see
I was left unclear
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

What then were the name I sought
I glanced about until
I heard the gentle patter
Of rain at my window sill
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

I went outside
Removed my socks
I was called out onto the grass
I asked for a simple sign
What names should I choose at last?
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

My names are perfect as they are
But there stands a subtle flaw
I won’t know them until the time comes
And all I hear is
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

So there I stand
Thinking on
Sterling
Kieran
Aksel
And then I feel a point in the right direction
“Soon
Very soon
Sooner than you think”

 

I won’t know
Until the day
But I should change them
If I feel that they
Don’t live up to the task
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

So inside I went
Soaking wet
And found that Sterling fits
But here and now
Two names are gone
Replaced with a more ancient fit
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

 

Will they change?
They just might
But for now they’re set in stone
I love them dear
Just as I love my own
“Soon
Very Soon
Sooner than you think”

Dream or Something More?

I had a weird dream last night that left me with a weird feeling. I dreamt that I was with Kysmet and Austin. We were talking about family stuff, mostly about them starting a family. We were just sitting in a park on benches and talking. After that I was on a boat with other ladies. We had to stand on pillars and hold ropes to keep captives in. I kept making jokes with my captive until my braid came undone. Then I got off the pillar and we were in a store. I put my hair in a bun, even though some lady told me there was someone there that could do my hair. I politely told her no because I wanted to work. I found a dress on the floor for a little girl. What I noticed about it was that it was silky and green. I decided that I would buy one of the dress that I would have to pick up off the floor in case I ever had a baby. I picked the one up off the floor and noticed that it had a orange skirt with green polka-dots. It was kind of ugly. I kept picking up dresses in this baby department, but most of them were princess themed. I put them all back. Suddenly I realized I left my phone at my other job in the Library, which was part of this mall for some reason. I told my manager I was going to get it, and ran out with the dress. I was coming back with it, so it was no big deal. As I walked to the library, I noticed that the dress had the Teen Titans on it. I liked that show once. I decided to buy it because it at least had something cool on it. I looked at the tag and found $21 attached to the tag. The price was $22, so that kind of settled it. I was going to buy it. It was my lucky day. I got into the library and the ladies I worked with there were giving me a funny look. I ignored them and looked through the books to find my phone. I eventually found it on a table, and as I picked it up, the librarians swooped in and turned it into a dining table. People, mostly guys and families, flooded in, and the librarian told me that she knew I was alone, but there were lots of eligible Nordic guys out there for me to be into. I was a little freaked out by that, but I sat and had dinner with them. One guy kept talking to me, but I wasn’t really interested. He was quite burly. I coyly looked to the end of the table, and found a family there. One guy’s mom started talking to me, telling me how nice it would be if her son and I could go on a date. The lady at the end of the table confided in me that there was something wrong with her boy. I looked at him, and there certainly was. I knew he wasn’t actually a boy, or her son. I answered a text message and excused myself outside. When I went out, I found someone that told me that it was okay to reveal this guy at the dining table. I went back in, leaned over my chair and told that mom that she was right, her son wasn’t who she thought he was, he was a Dagon. This guy started to shift, sharp teeth started to push through his face and out of his mouth. That’s when I woke up. I found that my skin was peeling on both of my arms and I had three deep indention marks on my chest.

It was really weird. I’m sure if I interpret it, it’s just going to say I’m lonely or something, but I feel like there’s something more to it.

I have to leave for work very soon. I looked up what the baby clothes mean and dreemmoods.com said, “To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown”. I couldn’t find a Dagon on dreemmoods.com, but I found Demons, which means: “To see demons in your dream indicates that you may be experiencing or inflicting fear, emotional distress or physical abuse in your waking life. Demons are also symbolic of ignorance, negative habits, and of your shadow self. Perhaps you are being overindulgent and letting some negativity give way to your better judgment”.

I guess that all makes sense. I would find my former ways of thinking ugly. I keep going back to childish affections though. Clearly its something I need to step away from. I need to find healthy relationships and stop going after guys that are bad for me. I also need to stop putting myself down about guys, or what they might think of me.

I have to go. Sorry about any spelling mistakes. This was quite rushed.

Lots of love and junk,
ulvenNixie

The Pack and The Bear

I was drawn here while at Custer State Park.

 

I finally had a moment to meditate. It took me long enough, right? I had to work a bit when I got back plus my best friend had a birthday. I adore her. The past two times that I’ve met up with her and Austin, there seems to be signs that we’re doing the right thing. At the movies, I saw the names Vivienne, Bellamy, Tobias, and Alastair in the credits. They’re names we’ve talked a lot about. On her birthday, I saw her initials and I know I saw some other names on signs along the road. I just don’t remember what names they were. When we were driving, I spent a moment feeling out the energy, especially between Kysmet and Austin. When I probed deeper into the energy, there was a definite connection, the cord seemed to be solid gold. I also saw a polka-dot blue bow between them, and I think I saw a second bow as well. I’m not entirely sure about the second one. It kind of looked like the blue polka-dot bow divided into a blue bow and a pink one, but I’m really not sure.

Any case, that was a few days ago. I don’t know why I didn’t write it down. I would have remembered those names. I just got done meditating though. It was a big meditation, so here’s what happened with that:

I laid down about three hours ago to do this meditation. I fell asleep at first. I guess I needed more rest. I had a weird dream about running around a hotel. I was trying to watch a Stephen King movie, but I wanted to do it in different unoccupied rooms. I went in one that was occupied and ran away even though I never saw the person staying there. I just saw that they had a blue shirt set out on the bed. I think this person was in the shower.

Anyway, when I got myself out of sleep, I took me a long time to clear my chakras. I had to pray for protection, but then I realized that I was hindering myself by being too cautious. I had to ask for help and ask to be protected and guided towards being the person that I need to be, not influenced by negativity and evil around me. With that, I cleared my chakras with Uriel’s help.

When I finally dropped back into my subconscious, I was in that garden part of my psyche. I cuddled Angora and Ephraim. I talked to Uriel a little bit. I couldn’t see very well. I tried going to a different level of meditation, but it was just dark there. I didn’t like the idea of us all floating around in space when I was meditating to try to obtain a protector. That was the goal, after all. We went back to the garden and I walked the trail with Uriel, Angora, and Ephraim behind me. When we came to a door, we went through, and found ourselves in a swamp like environment with dark purple and red flowers. Either I was sinking or the ground was rising as we walked, and I felt like the mud was going to go over my head by the time we went through the next door. The last door we went through was a wooded path. It had tall, lean trees and leaves overhead.

I tried to talk to Uriel about this as we walked, but I came across a horrific sight. It looked the skin of a girl in a school girl’s outfit. She had some black hair around her head and a red bow on top. It was just her skin. She didn’t have eyes or anything. I think she had fingernails on her fingers though. She was very flat in appearance, if you can imagine. I attacked her, got rid of her. I remember saying something about her not being me or part of me. When she was gone, we found our way to the cast-off room.

I went in and looked around. The wisteria was still there, but I noticed that one of the rocks on the shelves on the pillars was missing. I inquired about where it was and four of the other shelves disappeared, until there was only two. One had a rock of obsidian and the other a rock of amazonite. I asked who they were for, and the rocks ended up on one shelf. Two pillars faded out and the shelves reappeared. There was a hunk of onyx on the neighboring self and some light colored rocks on the two remaining shelves. The other shelf next to the onyx had two rocks on it too.

I walked further into the room and saw my Grandfather. My vision blurred and what I saw instead was something that looked like a creepy, distorted image of my Grandpa. It reassured me about my future and just stood there, smiling and being creepy. It had solid blue eyes and I could see its yellowed teeth through its cheek. It’s skin was completely gray. I stared at it, trying not to flinch at its appearance. When it went away, I saw my Grandpa a little further away. He looked like himself. He told me that that thing was right. I would have a big family and that I’m loved. He basically said everything was going to be okay. I accepted this and looked to my Higher Spirit.

She told me that I was going to go see Cernunnos. I was pretty happy about that. We talked for a moment, but I don’t remember the conversation exactly. I do remember that we talked about one of my managers briefly. He just popped up in my mind at random. I told her that I wished we could meet up or be more friendly outside of work, and she said something like “so it shall be”. I heard that whispered several times throughout the room. I was a little confused but it didn’t freak me out. I would love to talk to this particular manager outside of work because he would be an awesome person to hang out with. He certainly makes my day better when we’re at work, why would it be different outside of work? She then directed me to the door. I opened it up and started to go through. I asked who would be coming with me, and I was told Angora and Ephraim would go, but Uriel could not. I ran back in and hugged him good-bye. He told me he would be waiting for me. With that, I went through the door.

I immediately found the path that I took when I journeyed to meet Angora. When I started down it, I heard “No, over here”. I turned and found a path up a hill. I went to it and found red flowers all around. The trees appeared a bit dry at first, but as I climbed, they were more and more bear, sans the red flowers. At the very top of the path was Cernunnos. He was sitting at the base of his tree, his legs crossed and his hands on his knees. I went into the clearing and he got up. He came to me. His legs below the knee were elk legs. He came to me and grasped my shoulders. When he touched me, the forest around us flooded with life. The trees bloomed, some of them turned out to be aspens. There was green grass and everything.

He was happy to see that Ephraim found me. He had me walk with him to the tree and sit at its roots. He held both of my hands in both of his and told me that my fox spirit animal has to do with my life, the way I live. My bat is defensive. I also have a wolf spirit animal that has more to do with the way I love and interact with people. He also told me that he likes that I want to use the name Kieran someday, in the same context that I want to use Brigid. He said Kieran would be very peaceful, and Saga Brigid would be more fiery. He made comments about more names, all of them positive. I do want to mention that when I asked about Corvus, he corrected me and called him Augustin. He’s the first spiritual being to do that so far (that I can recall). He said I would love him more than I know or expect.

We also talked about my trip to South Dakota. He said that I met a man in the woods that loved me. He protects the forest and anyone that listened to him. He told me his name was either Running Bull or Running White Bull. He leaned more towards Running Bull. The name reminded me of that big white-ish gray bull that forest spirit showed me on my walk.

We moved on from that because that wasn’t why I was there. He asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a protector and that I had a feeling there was more to the pack that I needed to meet. He said there was. Angora is my spirit guide for companionship. Ephraim is my past. As Cernunnos and I talked, another wolf came out from behind the tree. It was a gray and white wolf, and Cernunnos said his name was Olaf. He was my spirit guide for love. Another wolf came out, this one was brown and black, and Cernunnos said her name was Isobel. She’s my spirit guide for family, and her name has a special meaning. According to behindthename.com, Isobel is a form of Isabel, which in turn is a form of Elizabeth, which means “my God is abundance”. Isobel means “God’s Promise” on thinkbabynames.com. I was allowed to love on them but then it was time to meet my protector.

I returned my hands to his and struggled to see my protector. I thought it was going to be a bear, something big and bulky. In a whirlwind of fighting to see what was there, I saw a name Åsa. After that, I saw a gray, white, and black wolf come out from behind the tree. I expressed worry that Åsa wasn’t big enough to protect me from the gray thing that lives in my house. That’s when I noticed a huge bear come out from around the tree. Cernunnos told me his name was Graves and that he’s a Kodiak bear. I loved on Åsa and hugged Graves. I was told that I could call on Åsa. He’s very much in tune with my need to explore but he’ll still keep me safe. I could call on Graves too, but he’s more of a brute. I call on him when I want things gone. I kept seeing the image of Bronn from “Game of Thrones” pop up in my mind when I was with Graves. I don’t think he’s a spirit guide in the way Åsa is a guide. Graves is there to protect and nothing more, basically.

I told Cernunnos that I was scared that I was going to forget or neglect one of the guides because there was so many. He directed me to put my hands on the tree and vow that I shared a connection with all of them. I did exactly that. I put my hands on the tree and said that my soul had a connection with Angora, Ephraim, Olaf, Isobel, Åsa, and Graves no matter what.

Before it was time for me to go, Cernunnos said that if I get married and I really want to depict my spirit animal for love, I knew it was a wolf now because of Olaf. He also told me that I needed to get out of Texas. He said I would see the way soon, but in the mean time I need to save as much money as I can and get back to my school work. I need to love and live while I’m down here, knowing that I’m going to get out soon. He also told me that it was good that I was making a lot of spiritual animal connections. He said that I need to be connected with nature. It’s one of the reasons I need to go somewhere that makes me feel more like myself, somewhere with trees.

He sent me down the path with my pack of animals. Ephraim, Angora, Olaf, Isobel, and Åsa stayed close. Graves chose to stay further away. When we tried to go back into the Cast-Off room, Graves wouldn’t fit. He just went immediately to the outside world. I can actually feel him around. It’s nice. I have yet to feel that with the wolves and Ephraim because they don’t really linger around my physical form much. When I went into the Cast-Off room, I saw Uriel. He told me he’d talk to Graves later and he seemed really happy to see all the new wolves.

I wanted to hang out with the spirit guides some more. I wanted to get to know them, but Uriel told me to get out of meditation and write all this down. It’s a good thing I did. I know I forgot some stuff in there. I’m glad I didn’t forget it all.

As a log of my guides, as of today, I have:
Angora: a gray, brown, and white wolf
Ephraim: a huge jaguar with green eyes
Olaf: a white and gray wolf
Isobel: a brown and black wolf with yellow eyes
Åsa: a gray, black and white wolf
Graves: a dark furred Kodiak bear

I guess I’m pretty safe too. I will try to be more confident. Spiritually, I should be more confident because I have Åsa, Graves, Uriel, and Adam at my back, and a slew of spirit guides and spirits around me that care about me. Look out baddies, this chick isn’t alone anymore.

Well, I need a shower and to find some dinner. I really want some stir-fry. It’s too bad it’s too late to talk my mom into taking me to the store.

Ha en god natt!
ulvenNixie

 

 

References:
http://www.behindthename.com/name/elizabeth
http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Isobel

 

ALSO:
I found a Native American named Running Bull when I typed it into Google. No, I don’t actually know if it was him that I talked to in Custer, but it’s interesting to know there was an actual Native American in South Dakota at one point with that name. Here’s the site I found him on: http://runningbullchief.blogspot.com/2011/06/running-bull-sioux.html

Family Vacation – 2013

Early Morning near the Blue Bell Campground in Custer State Park

 

This year, my family and I went to Custer State Park for family vacation. We used to do a family vacation every year, but lately we do it every couple of years. In the past, the family consisted of my Auntie Gretters, Grandma, Mom, cousins (Tyler and Samuel), and myself. Our family is bigger now. We’ve added my Mom’s husband and my cousin Tyler’s fiancée, Amba. The vacations have become fewer and further between for a couple of reasons. First of all, Tyler, Samuel, Amba and I are all in our late teens to early twenties. It’s hard to maneuver a family vacation into a dead-end job and school. Also, My Mom, Jerry, and I live significantly further away than we used to. It’s harder for us to make it up north for family vacation because we currently live in Texas. My Grandma technically lives in Iowa and my Aunt, cousins, and soon-to-be cousin-in-law live in Minnesota. We made a point to go to Custer this year for my Grandma. She loved the last vacation we had there, ten years ago, and wanted to go again. We celebrated her 81st birthday while we were there.

I did my best to record some of my spiritual encounters while I was there. As I promised before, I will also add in my best picture from the trip. I took over 500 pictures, but I really will only add the best one. This post will basically be all about the trip. I’m going to focus on the spiritual side of my experience, but there will be more in here than that. I must say this trip was quite interesting. I enjoyed it a bit more in some ways than I did last time. I was certainly a much happier person than I was when we visited ten years ago.

Mom, Jerry, and I left our home in Texas very early, around 5am, on Sunday. My best friend promised to stay the week in the house so I had my room all made up for her. She watched the dogs, bird, rabbit, and plants for us. All Sunday, we drove up towards Colorado. We stopped in Wichita Falls, Childress, and Amarillo Texas for gas. I did my best to sleep through most of that. I don’t like Texas. We stopped at the New Mexico border for pictures. That was my very first time in New Mexico. It was interesting. I didn’t hate driving through it, especially when we got closer to Colorado.

We actually stopped in Raton, New Mexico for dinner. We ate at the Sands Restaurant. I don’t actually like Mexican food, but this place was fantastic. They had fresh ingredients. The chips were hot when they brought them out. My mom got one of the few none Mexican dishes on the menu, which I thought was ironic and hilarious. I’d highly recommend the place, seriously. It was great. We went through the Raton Pass after that. I took a lot of pictures because a friend of mine, who I’ve mentioned before as Reed, told me it was one of the places where Colorado looked as it was supposed to look. It was gorgeous.

We stopped once in Colorado Springs for gas and continued on until we got to Loveland, Colorado. We stayed the night at a Super 8 there.  I met Reed that night. We talked and had a wonderful time. The experience was truly memorable and better than I could have hoped for. It was pretty dark out when we met and we went to a small baseball park that was in the area. There was one random duck that seemed to come out of no where while we were talking. I took that as a sign and made note of it.

According to linsdomain.com, “Ducks remind us to drink deeply from the waters of life”. That really seems to fit the situation because meeting Reed was a great experience. I really enjoyed it and everything seemed to line up so well. I was really fantastic.

In any case, we left the next morning and didn’t stop again until we got to the Wyoming Welcome Center. We didn’t actually stop for gas until we got to Torrington and Lusk Wyoming. In Lusk, we also stopped for lunch. We went to the Outpost Café. If I’m frank about it, I didn’t enjoy the food. We suspected that it was cooked long before we got there because it came out really fast. Also, I couldn’t really find anything healthy on the menu. I ended up with an open-faced sandwich with mashed potatoes and gravy. I thought the gravy would be drizzled on the sandwich, but I was wrong. It was drenched in it. The mashed potatoes were kind of cold. Also, I was getting stared at by the men in cowboy hats and the large women in ill-fitting t-shirts all around us. I had no idea what their problem was. The best part of the meal was that when the bill came, we read the ticket and found that Jerry’s “Trucker’s Choice” didn’t look quite right. Replace the “Tr” with an “F” and you’ll know exactly what was on the ticket. That was a really good laugh.

After that, we kept going until we got to Custer State Park in South Dakota. Right off the bat, we got to see prairie dogs. We stayed in the Blue Bell Campground in Cabin 11. The rest of my family stayed in Cabin 12. I took a lot of pictures while we were there because I was excited and it was pretty. I was very disappointed to notice that the Mountain Sheep that we saw very frequently in that area last time we were there weren’t there anymore. They never came around like they used to. I can’t possibly convey how disappointed I was about that.

While I was out taking pictures, I saw a black dragonfly. According to whats-your-sign.com, “Dragonflies carry messages that deal with deeper thought – and they ask that we pay attention to our deeper thoughts and desires”. I paid attention to it and noticed that it landed on a very pretty little rock. After that, it flew away. I picked up the rock and decided to use it for meditation purposes while in the park. The whole time we were there (and I was awake), I had that rock on me. It was an amber tinted clear rock that I can only guess was quartz. It was basically immediate that the spiritual forces at play in that park wanted me to be connected, and I was grateful for it.

We left the park to go to Grand Rapids for supplies. When we got back, the rest of my family finally made it there. There were hugs all around. I took a short walk and went to bed pretty early. I had to smash a spider in the cabin that night, so I was a little freaked out when I went to bed.

I woke up at 5am the next morning. That is extremely early for me, but I was chilly. I couldn’t get back to sleep because Jerry snores very loudly. If you imagine two trains rumbling towards each other filled with angry bears, you might be able to imagine how loud he snores. So, I got up, took a shower, and went for a walk all by myself. It was beautiful out. I took pictures while I explored and got some really amazing early morning shots. When I came across a path that was almost overgrown with grass and had almost a straight shot down a hill, I stopped and took it in for a while. I went down the hill a little and stood there too. I was taking it slow because it rained during the night and the hill was really steep. I opened my chakras while I stood there and asked what I should do. I was told to go further down the hill. I went, taking more pictures as I cautiously eased myself down the rocky slope. I quietly talked to the spirit near me as I went. I asked if there was anything I needed to know, and it told me children were coming. It was very admit that I would take children to this place some day. It said things like soon and very soon, but it didn’t seem certain on when exactly. I was told that it might not be this time or the next, but it would be very soon. I asked who was talking to me, and I was told that this was a spirit of the forest. I inquired about if he was a Manitou, because that was something on my mind, and it said, “Kind of, but not really”. I enjoyed the nature around me for a while. It was absolutely gorgeous. When I went back, I felt the spirit stay behind when I got close to a stream near the cabins. I was told to turn around, so I did. I saw a subtle flash of light near a tree and knew it was the spirit. It was a yellow gold light. Once I was on the hill, headed towards the cabin, I felt Uriel’s familiar energy come forward. He talked with me about the forest spirit. He told me that the forest spirit knew I was going to have kids some day, but there was no way for him to know when. He also told me it wouldn’t hurt to listen to him.

We spent some time around the park that day. We saw bison, turkeys, deer, more prairie dogs, pronghorns, and crows. Later, we drove to Deadwood. It was a long drive, but Grandma really wanted to go and it was her birthday. I took tons of pictures and Mt. Moriah Cemetery because it’s a lovely place. I am in love with cemeteries.

When we got back to Custer State Park, I wondered up to a clearing above out cabin. While I was walking around, I started talking to the Forest Spirit. I don’t remember what we talked about. I think it was just chitchat. I tried to get him to tell me if he was Native American, but he didn’t actually say he was. He just let me go with that. When I decided to head back to my family, he told me not to go yet. He directed me to hike down to the path that I last felt him on. I went back to camp and got new batteries for my camera and went that way immediately. He kept telling me he would show me an animal this time. That kind of scared me. I was out there on a walk by myself, I didn’t really want to see most of the animals that park has to offer while I was all alone. I kept talking to him though. When I came across a trail that I hadn’t been on before, he told me to use it. It lead up a hill, and it was accessible, so I went. When I was up a little further, I noticed that there were people on the path that I would have been on if I continued down my normal route. Basically, Forest Spirit led me away from other people that time. We started talking about Reed. He said that we were very alike in a lot of ways and that it was great that I like him so well. He said that was good because it’s good to feel connected to someone, but it wasn’t going to work out. The spirit insisted that I can’t trust him. He said that a lot. When I started to argue, he changed the subject and asked if I wanted to know my spirit animal while I was in the park.  I said yes and he told me to get my camera ready. He was going to show me an animal and tell me my spirit animal. I kept trying to guess the animal, but a fox kept popping up in my mind. I’m not much of fox, but when he got me up to the crest of a hill, he told me that my spirit animal (while there) was a fox. He kept calling me Little Fox after that. I really did argue that one, but he insisted and there was no changing his tune. I turned back around on that hill to leave and kept hearing an animal rustling around in the underbrush. I couldn’t see what it was. I’m willing to bet it was a squirrel, but I was freaked out because it could have been something bigger. I left that area, and Forest Spirit kept telling me to have my camera ready. I looked back twice at that area. The first time I looked back, I saw a flash of light across the path that looked like a fox. The second time I looked back, I saw a black shadow that looked like a fox. I kept walking and Forest Spirit kept telling me to have my camera ready. I was nervous, and at one point, I thought I saw a big, gray bull (like a cow bull) laying along the path.  When I gasped and took a step back, I realized it was a downed tree. I could hear the Forest Spirit laughing and that’s when I realized that he was kind of mischievous. When I was walking back to my cabin, he told me that my spirit animal is kind of like a totem animal. It doesn’t have a name like a spirit guide. It wasn’t the same thing. It was something I needed to take note of.

The next day we went to Mt. Rushmore, taking the Needles Highway on the way up. My Aunt’s van overheated on the way up so we had to stop and look at the Cathedral Spires for a while. Tyler and I got to talk there for a little bit. That was nice. We saw Mt. Rushmore. We had some food there. We got separated from the van on the way back so we stopped at Heddy Draw (an overlook picnic area at the park) and went for the Wildlife Loop. We didn’t see any burros or Mountain Sheep there either. We were very disappointed. We did see some elk though. That was awesome. I didn’t get to get a picture of them. They were very high up on a ridge.

When we got back, I went out into the woods to read “American Indian Myths and Legends” (selected and edited by Richard Erdoes and Alfonso Ortiz). I talked to Forest Spirit again, of course. He told me he would show me some real big animals this time. I told him “No thanks” and laughed it off. He directed me to a path by a stream. I picked a story at random, which ended up being “The Transformed Grandmother”. In the middle of reading it, I heard something snort a few times. I looked up and just steps away, there was a deer. It snorted a bit more and walked away from me. I finished the story and got back on the original trail. I climbed the hill ahead of me and read “The Flying Head” at a crossroads of another trail. Forest Spirit had me read aloud, and when I would start to read to myself, he would tell me to speak up. When I finished that story, I walked just a couple steps and saw another deer in the clearing nearby. I watched this deer as I passed and this deer watched me. When she was out of sight, I went back to looking at the trail. I saw the top of the overgrown trail I had been on when I first heard the Forest Spirit, and wanted to look down it. I was thinking about reading a story there and I wanted to see if there were animals in the valley below. I went towards it and when I came close, I saw yet another deer. This one had two fawns with her. She stomped her hooves at me and her babies fled into the trees. When she ran off after them, I figured they went down the hill, so I continued on my journey towards the hill edge. I was almost there when I saw her through the trees again. I figured she might run off again, so I went to the tree-line on the path. She started snorting, so I backed off. There was a recreation cabin nearby, so I went towards that. She kept snorting at me, so I stopped on the path and looked back at her. I saw her coming towards me. As soon as she paused in her steps, I calmly walked away. I went back to the clearing where I saw the second deer and intended to read “The Bear and His Indian Wife” there, but I noticed it was getting dark. I headed back towards my cabin. Before I ascended the hill, the forest spirit told me that I handled the deer situation just fine. He told me there was a miscommunication between animal species. She wanted to protect her babies and I was just taking in nature. I was trying to be respectful in my own weird way. It was an interesting walk. I wish I took my camera.

When I got up on Thursday morning to take a shower, I got all my stuff and took it to the bathroom. While I was in there, I saw a little green bug with six legs and wings. I heard a child-like voice tell me not to kill it. I tried to splash some water on it anyway. I didn’t want it to fly at me. The water didn’t even hit it. When I realized that the water was literally stopping just short of the bug, I stopped. The child-like spirit was happy, and I felt Forest Spirit come in. He said that I could kill the bug, but he was genuinely happy when I told him that I would just be weary of it. We talked a bit longer while I was getting ready for the shower. He said I could come visit in meditation. He said I could see him and talk to him more. He had to stay in the park. He’s a protector of sorts.

We went to Heddy Draw again later that day. I saw a marmot on the way there. It’s the first one I’ve ever seen. I was really excited about that. It was So Cool! We picnicked as a family at Heddy Draw. After that, we went to the Crazy Horse Memorial. I kept looking for something with a fox on it, but I couldn’t find anything. The Memorial is amazing. I think it’s much more impressive than Mt. Rushmore, and it’s not even done yet. Later we went to Custer (the city). We shopped there and ate. I had a Buffalo Burger at the Buglin’ Bull. I hung out with Tyler, Amba, and Samuel a lot that night. It was really wonderful to spend some time with them. I’m pretty sure we offended the poor waiter though. Adam, if you read this, I’m sorry for our behavior. I actually tried a sip of beer there called “Elk Poop”. It was really strong. I don’t drink alcohol so that was mildly significant.

That night, when we got back, I felt like the Forest Spirit was mad at me. I felt like it was because I ate the Buffalo burger, and I was told it was because I was disrespectful about it. I made up for it by giving some of my positive energy to the park. That seemed to make Forest Spirit happier. I noticed that he was still upset though. It took me a while to figure out that it was because I was leaving the next day. As I laid there in bed, I kept hearing him tell me that he didn’t want me to go. He also told me that it wasn’t going to work out with Reed. He said both of those things a lot. I really didn’t want to leave. It was really sad about having to go. I think that I should look into colleges there. If I can get my Master’s Degree somewhere nearby, that would be fantastic.

The next morning, I had to get up once to go to the bathroom at around 3am. I saw a spider in there and avoided killing it. Later, when I woke up again around 8am, I went to take a shower and the spider was still there. There was also a grasshopper in the bathroom. I didn’t see the grasshopper until I was finished showering. I saw the spider a lot, until I was drying off. I was convinced it was in my things, but it wasn’t. I was really freaked out, but at least I didn’t kill it. After that, I packed up my stuff and hung out with my family. Once we were ready to go, we said our good-byes and left. Mom was in tears. I was really upset about leaving them and the park. We saw bison on the way out. That was nice.

On our way through Hot Springs, South Dakota, we got a message from Lindsay that something bad happened to Akela. They were playing ball with her and her crazy, twisted claw got caught on the weeds in the grass. She was hurt and bleeding so they took her to the vet. The vet removed the nail and Akela had a little doggy cast on and some pain pills. I was so scared for her and upset with myself for not being there for her or bringing her with. I cried for a while. I called Lindsay and she told me Akela was doing okay. She had to reassure me a few times that she was okay. I felt so bad for my poor baby.

On our way through Wyoming, it hailed. It was beautiful (even though Mom and Jerry were freaking out). I should have taken that as a sign. We later found a room at the Castle Inn, in Castle Rock, Colorado. I got to meet Reed again. We went out and talked a lot about me possibly moving up there. We couldn’t make it work in a way that made sense to both of us. When he dropped me off, it felt like a pretty official good-bye. When I got back to the room, I spent an hour in the bathroom crying about how the night went and the fact that my dog was hurt. I tried to go to sleep in the bed once. That didn’t work. Jerry was snoring too loud. I took pillows into the bathroom, but kept getting the image of a spider in my head, so I took the pillows back to the bed and left the room. I went to the exercise room in the hotel and worked out for a full episode of Family Guy and a full episode of American Dad. I walked around the hotel, but only for a minute. I went back to the exercise room when some guy wolf-whistled at me from down the hall. When I finally went back to the room, I stayed in the bathroom for a while. I was waiting to get tired. At one point I looked up and saw a big quarter-sized spider on the wall. I thought about leaving her alone. I really did, but I was scared it would get into my things or bite me in the middle of the night. I was also really mad. I was mad at Jerry for being so loud. I was mad at myself for being so attached to Reed. I was mad at Reed for having some mildly irrational expectations for me when it came to moving up. Mostly I was mad and upset that I lost Reed, so I threw a shoe at the spider and smashed it. I have a phobia, but I try not to smash spiders that aren’t in my home. This one was huge and unfortunate enough to meet my rage.

The next day, I moped and pouted all the way to Colorado Springs. We visited Seven Falls. I cheered up there a bit. How could you not be happy when you see fat, little chipmunks and ground squirrels all over the place? I tried to go up the steps, but the metal vibrated and I chickened out. I wasn’t a great person to ride with the rest of the car ride. I kept thinking about Reed, the fact that I didn’t want to go back to Texas, and the fact that I need to be alone for a while. I convinced myself that Reed wouldn’t ever talk to me again, that he didn’t want me around. Later that night, he tried to call me but I didn’t answer. I only had a bar of battery life on my phone. I didn’t cheer up until I started listening to music, but even then I still found myself tearing up on occasion.

When we got home, Lindsay and Austin were there. Akela had her doggy cast off. I was so happy to see her. Lindsay and Austin stayed a while and talked to me. She showed me Akela’s medicine. They talked about how the dogs did. I tried to find Lindsay’s birthday present, which I put in a box in my closet and couldn’t find it. When I promised to find it later, she told me we could see each other on her birthday. She got a new job, I’m off that day, Austin is off that day. We’re going to go see a movie, my treat. After that, she proceeded to tell me that the house freaked her and Austin out a bit. She told me that she heard rattling around coming fro my room. She didn’t stay in there often. My side of the house was noise chaos, apparently and they had a terrible time with the bathroom. Austin kept seeing this squashed, gray creature with long arms while he was in there. Lindsay and I saw the same thing years ago. It was on the other side of the house. They said they had a problem with feeling watched while in the bathroom too. Austin even felt uneasy, which is unusual for him in those kinds of situations. We talked a bit about other things, namely stuff in Austin’s place. I won’t go into that in this blog, there’s too much too explain. He did mention having a protecting spirit though. I wonder if I have one beyond Adam, my guardian angel. I shall look into that. We took a second look in my room for her present, and I found it in my Hope Chest. I’m going to officially give it to her Wednesday.

When they left, I got Akela and I ready for bed. I said a prayer for strength and protection, namely from the gray thing they kept seeing. I have a feeling he’s the same as the black figure that encourages suicidal thoughts around here. I drove him out of the bathroom and out of my room. I forbade him from coming into my room.

Even though I only slept 5 hours last night, I slept well. I had a relaxing morning. On my way to work, I saw a Cooper’s Hawk. According to spiritanimal.info, a “Hawk is the messenger of the spirit world”. He was way pretty. I loved seeing him. It’s so rare to see a hawk for me. I always seem to miss them when someone points them out. When I got to work, one of my favorite managers, Mr. V, was there. When I saw him, a dream I had the night before we went to Crazy Horse bubbled up to the forefront of my memory. I had a dream that Mr. V was a dj-manager at a lodge out in the Black Hills National Forest. He had on one of his regular suits and an ascot. It was either red or purple. It could have been both. He saw me hanging out all aimlessly in the crowd and called me over. He passed me a broom and dustpan and asked me if I minded cleaning up the place a little. He asked like it would be a favor to him, and I was happy to do it. I swept up while he dj’d some sort of birthday party. I didn’t think it was a significant dream, so I never wrote it down in my trip log. I remembered it today though and I was tempted to tell him about it. It is kind of funny after all. I thought that would be a little creepy on my part though. The last thing he probably wants to hear is that I had a dream with him in it while I was on vacation. He told me something pretty funny though.

He came up to the podium where I was standing and leaned up against the pole. He asked me how I was and Alex (a co-worker) teased him about being slick. After a moment or two, Mr. V asked how long I was gone. When I told him it was a week, he told me it felt like a year. He told me he forgot about me, and I made a noise to convey that that was sad and kind of mean. He told me to wait and let him finish. He said that he was going to say that when he forgot, he invented an imaginary version of me in his mind to talk to. I asked him if it was the pole, and he played along. He pretended to have a conversation with the pole about the Space Jam soundtrack. It was hilarious! After that, he told me about some of the jokes I missed while I was away. It was pretty awesome to get to talk to him on my first day back. He’s way funny and a very cool guy. I love talking to him. I wish we could talk outside of work, because I know he’s interesting while he’s at work. I think he would be just as awesome outside of work. I hope he has some inkling about how epic he is as a person. It’s rare to meet some that cool.

Well, it’s late, and I have to work tomorrow. I’m going to meditate about that protector as soon as I can. I know I can’t do it tonight. I’m too tired. I need to go do stuff with my pictures and cuddle Akela.

I wish you all well!
ulvenNixie

 

 

 

References:
http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/ducks.htm
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-dragonfly.html
http://www.spiritanimal.info/hawk-spirit-animal/

Heading North

Location of state of XY (see filename) in the United States (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m heading north very, very soon. Going up north is always a big deal for me. Normally we head up to where I feel the most comfortable and also where I’m more connected with my spiritual side, around Iowa and Minnesota. We’re not going that way this time. We’re going somewhere that’s new to me. I can’t wait to see how that affects my psyche. I also can’t wait to have some new experiences.

I hope the trip isn’t terrible. I won’t lie, I don’t imagine it would be all that fun. I’m not a fun person when I’m running on very little sleep and it doesn’t seem like there will be much sleep to be had. I’m going to try though. I’m bringing my camera, so I’ll put my best picture on the blog where I talk about the trip, from every side that I can. If I can break away from my family group for an hour or two one day, I would love to meditate at the campsite too. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

We’ll see how it goes!

Love you lovelies!
ulvenNixie

Nostalgia

The Back of the Ticket-Stub Paper I Have in My Frame

This is more about my emotions and life journey than my meditations.

Sometimes I just lay into my ex on here. Sometimes I reminisce. There are times when I admit that I miss him. I don’t need to go back over how I loved him. I don’t have to go over the fact that I feel like my emotions and trust were betrayed because he essentially lied to me. I don’t have to tell you that I’ve felt wounded by him and I struggle with the fact that deep down, I still love him. I love him in a different way, but I still love him. Love doesn’t disappear like a flight of fancy. There are times that it just takes on a different form.

I am reminded of that when I’m too hard on him in meditation. I’m reminded of that when I find a remanent of what I felt for him. I cleaned up my room a little. While doing so, I thought I should change out the picture I had on my night stand. The one in it is of my cousins, Akela, Guinevere (Akela’s sister) and I on Halloween a few years back. I was thinking there was a picture of my best friend and I behind it somewhere, so I thought that’d be a nice change. I pulled the back off and looked through the pictures I had stored in there.

That’s when I found it.

Back in 2009, just after Scott and I agreed to be officially dating over an email or a message (I forget which), I framed the movie ticket stub from the first movie we went to together. It wasn’t anything too pretty. I scribbled on a piece of printer paper and taped the stub to it. I captioned the back of the paper with my excitement. I didn’t dare do the front, just in case he saw it. I found it today. It was forgotten in that frame and I stumbled across it by accident. I wanted to cry when I saw it. I didn’t have the heart to throw it away. It’s just an ugly piece of paper and a ticket stub from a friendly outing (not even a date, because we really were just friends at the time) with my ex, a guy that I broke up with three years ago. That thing should be compost, but it’s not. It’s pressed between pictures in my picture frame next to my bed. If that isn’t nostalgia, I don’t know what is.

What does that say about me? I’m still thinking about it. I’m even going to take a picture of it so that I have a little image for this post. It’s not like I’m pining after him still. He’s moved on and so have I. It might just be a keepsake of what I felt. I have two necklaces that do the same thing for me. I see them every day though, every time I walk into my bathroom because they’re hanging by my mirror. One of them, I’ve found, seems to be a little bit bad luck when it comes to interacting with guys I like. I wear it because it’s gorgeous, and when I’m around someone I’m crushing on, I always end up feeling a little heartbroken by something that happened with that guy by the end of the day. How does that work?! I don’t even wear the other one, because it was meant to symbolize him and I. It usually feels wrong to wear it. The one with the Crush-Bad-Luck was a gift from him that his mom picked up. It’s not the same thing. I do love it though. It’s beautiful, as I said, and it reminds me of the moment he gave it to me. It was a really sweet moment, a moment that used to haunt me when I first broke it off. Now it’s a nice memory.

Well, shower time for me and then six hours of sleep. I am truly exhausted. Work, cleaning, and getting ready for that trip is running me ragged. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through work tomorrow.

Good night!
ulvenNixie

Nixie’s Delusion

This is ulvenNixie

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I was attractive. Maybe that’s why I’m so concerned about what I look like when I go under in meditation. I feel like I’m ugly. I don’t even know how to fix it. I just feel like I am ugly, like a cartoon hag. I blame my awful looks when it comes to the fact that I can’t find someone to love. I blame my looks when it comes to the fact that no one flirts with me. I blame my ugly appearance for why I’m not wanted.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that those things aren’t just a product of the fact that I’m unattractive. There are a lot of little factors that are worked into why I can’t find someone to date and why no one is interested. It’s in my personality. It’s the way I treat other people and it’s what I do with my life. If I was a better person, I wouldn’t have so many issues. If I wasn’t so defensive, I wouldn’t constantly be in this boat. If I wasn’t so weird, people would like me, maybe.

The truth of the matter is that I might have some things to work on, but I’m still just me. I’m not trying to be someone else. I’m going to be that person that likes to dress up for no good reason. I’m going to be that person that isn’t afraid to stand out in the crowd if it’s bringing joy into my life. By that, I mean that I will laugh at a joke, even when no one else is laughing. I will wear what I please, because I like to wear what makes me feel good about myself. I will continue to have weird interests and my own frame of mind. I will be myself, because that’s who I’m supposed to be. If I was supposed to be a different way, I would have turned out that way.

In the same go, I should work on being less defensive. I should work on being less sarcastic to people who don’t want to play around with me. I should maybe work on feeling less like I’m some hideous monster.

I don’t know how to change that entirely. I’m trying to slowly re-do my wardrobe so that I like what I wear. I want it to feel good on my body when I leave the house. That helps at times. I want to watch what I eat, but I’m extremely poor so my food selections are limited. Unfortunately, what I have available to me isn’t usually health. I wish I could clear the acne away from my skin. I wish I could find a hairstyle that makes me happy or even a color that suits me well. I can’t change what genetics gave me without surgery though. I don’t want surgery.

Even if I changed everything around, that doesn’t mean I won’t be lonely. There is no guarantee that someone will love me. It should be okay that I’m single. I should be okay with that. I should be happy with that. I should be happy that I don’t have someone who needs a ton of attention and makes drama in my life. I should be happy, but I feel like I’m missing out. I feel like I’m missing out on someone to talk to and grow to understand. I feel like I’m missing out on hope and life because I can’t seem to find anyone to share a little of life with. I know that’s ridiculous. That’s a stupid frame of mind. Life happens, experiences happen, for one person. Even if you share the road for a brief amount of time with another person, it’s still a temporary and individual experience.

I should be fine by myself.

It shouldn’t bother me that I’m not wanted.

It should be okay that I’m not wanted. I have nothing to offer and the only possible outcome is heartache because I’m not right with myself. Why do I seek out others when I’m not right with me? Will I ever be right with me?

The truth about me is that I feel like I’m nothing. I project that onto other people and that’s why this all seems completely rational to me. I’m delusional when it comes to my own self-image. I’m broken because I break myself down in every way possible. I don’t just live and love as freely as I feel like I should. I just hate me. I hate my life as it is right now, but mostly I hate me. I’m a little warped, aren’t I?

If I’m crazy, it’s because of my self-image. My meditation helps me. It doesn’t make me less fat. It doesn’t fix my acne or the fact that my hair has been falling out. It doesn’t make me love myself, but it shows me a positive side. I feel like meditation is real for me. I don’t care what other people think of it, if they think that makes me crazy. What makes me crazy is my self-loathing nature. What makes me crazy is the fact that I can’t look at myself and imagine anyone wanting to be around me. I can’t imagine anyone loving me.

In part, that could be why I beat myself up over the feelings I had for Scott. I loved him and he didn’t love me in return. I felt betrayed because we communicated to each other quite well, or so I thought. I trusted him to be honest with me. Our deal was that he would leave me if he ever got tired of me or found someone else. I was okay with that. I was okay with a completely temporary situation with him. My feelings didn’t really matter to me, logically speaking. In that though, I did think that he cared about me. I read meaning into his actions and words that weren’t really there. That’s my fault, completely, so I shouldn’t even feel betrayed. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t actually care though, what surprised me was that he let it go on for so long. What was the point? Why did he do that?

I reflect on that a lot, because he’s my major ex. He’s the one ex that I really, truly loved. He comes before even my ex-fiancé. I guess that isn’t a terribly high rank though, because my ex-fiancé was an abusive person. If I loved Scott so much, why did I leave when nothing had really changed? I started to feel like he didn’t actually want me around. He was just used to me being around. If he didn’t want me, I didn’t want to be there. He seemed completely and totally fine with that. I’m the only one agonizing over feelings here.

My problem is that I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I need to be a more cleanly person. I need to be more responsible. I need to less concerned with finding someone to date or connect with on an emotional level beyond friendship. I need to write more. I always need to write more. I need to move out of Texas. I need to stop beating myself for every little mistake I make. Most of all, I need to be honest with myself.

Even if I’m right, and no one will ever truly love me, I shouldn’t let that stop me from living my life. I shouldn’t keep stopping myself from being happy. I am my own worst enemy and I don’t know how to make that change. I can meditate forever, and I might not ever know how to love myself for who I am, imperfections and all. I don’t see how I’ll ever be suitable for being anything more than some weird old lady that lives in the woods all alone, with no one to confide in.

I struggle with this a lot. I thought it might be beneficial to just write it out.

I have things to do that I should have done hours ago. I’m such a waste of space.

Much love,
ulvenNixie